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An Ex Creating Problems In Married Life

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by mimi77, Sep 17, 2019.

  1. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    Frankly speaking I never liked this ex. He was never my choice... I just met him online and we happened to meet and be friends for a year before we got married... I never really liked him to even think of marrying him.... My marriage was a love marriage and I never really looked for anything else beyond my love for my husband... Nothing else was my priority... And we indeed had a great marriage.. He supported me always ABD treated me with love and care.... And frankly speaking my husband is way superior to this ex in all respects.... There is just no comparison between them.... Hence I thought my husband would deal with him in a much more mature way... But he didn't... And I never ever thought that any outside influence could ever create any impact in our marriage.... This ex has a terrible marriage and all Thruout I only adviced him to work on his marriage... I had no other intention with him.... He made up stories and nicely presented it to my husband... By calling me a liar, he is getting an upper hand... He is a dreadful character and is constantly humiliating me and my husband.... Even to an extent that he writes to my husband that he can't satisfy me and hence I reconnected with him.... This is totally a lie.... I never had this level of discussion with him... He is totally a nasty fellow... Came with an intention to destroy my marriage because his is a disaster.... And this couple also look so horrible.... I was just wondering how could I ever fall for someone who looks also so repulsive despite having a husband so good looking.... Sometimes people can really overestimate themselves.... Pls don't judge me here.... I'm not criticizing his looks but it's true I never fell for him and he is just telling utter lies.... Don't know how to handle his lies
     
  2. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    Clearly you are not thinking over or understanding or taking any advice out of so many wise options by all of us. You are just quoting one random line and going back to ranting about how horrible everyone else is. You specifically write multiple times about his looks and his wife's to the extent how could you have been friends with a repulsive looking person, then you say you are not criticizing about their looks? Honey we are not judging you. You are judging everyone else.
    I wish you happy venting and good luck with the situation.
    If you manage to come out of this victim complex, please read all the replies line by line. This time don't glance through but read to understand. I am sure you will get some clarity and ideas.
    Sorry if that offended you. Wasn't my intention honestly. As you can read in my previous reply, I was trying to think from your side and help you make things better. But unfortunately you only took the last 3 words out of it.
     
    sbonigala, Angela123, SunPa and 2 others like this.
  3. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I am a little confused here as to why your ex would lie to your husband. One possible reason I see is that he feels betrayed by you in some way. There is incomplete information for us to know why.

    I hope you understand that you were having a emotional affair ,even if there was no physical contact involved. So I understand your husbands reaction.

    Both of you need some sort of marital counseling to see if this marriage is repairable. It’s fair for both of you to move on rather than suffering in a toxic marriage.
     
    Anusha2917 likes this.
  4. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    From the ver
    From the very first day he was manipulating... I did not get his manipulation because he was all thru playing a victim's role in his marriage..I thought all that he was asking for is help and advice....And all thru his wife was tracking our messages on another device.... I think he was all thru aware of it... When she shared all those messages he was pretty cool and told me, what's there to hide? He seems to have told his wife about our past relationship etc... Fact is the way he is claiming about a past relationship is untrue.... There was not anything significantly strong between us... I only considered that association as friendship. He is telling my husband that I am hiding facts from him... He is a womaniser too... And he even mentions that....He is so bitter because I am not accepting his lies and going his way out to prove me one and make me fall in my husband's eyes..... He is simply trying to manipulate everyone with his dirty game and I think his wife is also a party to his dirty game.... Because even after tracking all messages she is saying that her husband is innocent and I initiated everything
     
  5. Mina7

    Mina7 New IL'ite

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    Cut all contact with toxic couple . Block on Facebook, what’s app and phone and email and everything else u have .
    Don’t react to your husband. If one person is not willing to accept the explanations then Find a good therapist who can work with both of you . Go to individual and couples counselling if your spouse is willing .
    Clearly mistakes have been made. unfortunately even if u thought it innocent your spouse doesn’t think so.
    Maybe he wants to spoil ur marriage or he is bored with his and is trying to stir trouble and get some benefit out of it , who knows, regardless do not engage at all
     
    mimi77 likes this.
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Looks like they are trying to save their marriage through you. One common enemy can bring 2 people closer. So you are their common enemy. It’s easier this way for your ex to rebuild his relationship with his wife rather than supporting you n destroying it further. N by putting the blame on you, it’s easier for the wife to handle this problem. So all in all, they are using your weak moments against you to fix their relationship.
     
    mimi77 likes this.
  7. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    You have been married for 14 years.
    Love marriage - so assuming atleast a year of courtship.
    So this ex would have been in d picture before 15 years or longer.

    You need to appeal to your dh with the relationship you have built so far.
    Explain that you picked him to marry n not him.

    The question about ‘why it happened in the first place?’ Seems to be taunting him more. He is right. Give him an honest answer, was it a week moment? Or the fling brought in new excitement? Was something lacking in your relationship at that time that you enjoyed that extra attention? What was it?

    If it was only friendship, I don’t think he would have reacted this badly after reading those messages, maybe the point of it being more than friendly is the problem here.
    If you were helping him with his marital problems, you could have easily told your dh, hey I got in touch with an old friend n am helping him with this marital issues. Honesty goes a long way in happy marriages especially,

    Honestly, this is a slow process. It takes long for forgiveness esp when the other feels betrayed. Some never does. Guess that’s why he keeps unblocking them n pounces on your ex as he’s not able to handle that you did something like this.
     
    Angela123, mimi77 and Anusha2917 like this.
  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Mimi, your words from just a year ago:

    1. I do understand the wrong that Im doing......with a supportive husband by my side I should not be doing this......But something about my ex draws me closer to him virtually.

    2. Im finding it hard to resist my temptation to answer all his messages and frankly I feel good to see his name flash on my mobile......Im not trying to convince myself that what Im doing is right but my life is a little too peaceful with a self engaged workaholic spouse.

    3. I have blocked him and his wife both on facebook and linkedin.....i had also blocked him on whatsapp ,but then felt very mean to do so and unblocked again only on whatsapp.

    A year ago, when your husband sensed that things are not as great he became more loving towards you:
    Feeling very much relieved to have come out of all the nonsense that I was into.....Back to square one, Im really happy and comfortable to be emotionally with my own family.....I let it go as kind of a bad dream in my life .....but this short chapter has once again gave me assurance of my DH's love and support for me.....when he sensed things are not as great he became more loving towards me and this once again gave me confidence in the relationship I share with my DH.....

    And then that loving husband came to know about your mistake. Can you imagine what it must have felt like for him? What a fool he must have felt like? Around the time your husband became more loving, you still had feelings for the ex or were wrapping things up with him.

    Dear, I am genuinely sorry for what you are going through. But only you can help yourself. And the first step will be to stop blaming anyone but yourself. From the tone of your posts in this thread, you have a long way to go and tons of self-introspection before you achieve this first step.

    In one post you asked, 'Will I have to pay for this all my life?" Sometimes the answer is yes. You will not pay for it alone. Your husband will do so too. He will live in his hell, you in yours, and often the twain will meet. The choice to retain or salvage your dignity and leave the marriage is always there.
     
  9. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, instead of posting this here, tell this to your husband!

    Tell this to your husband everyday, keep telling this over and over again. Even when your husband hurts you with words, even when he keeps bringing up the past. Keeping telling this like a mantra to him...not like you are chanting it but in a way which will make him understand and accept your version than others' version.

    I have understood one thing in life, the 'others' in my husband's life take up space only when i give them space. Clear them out slowly and steadily.

    As per my understanding, your husband is unable to forgive and forget this incident because he got to know this through someone else and not you! That probably is the reason for his lack of trust in you at the moment.

    My advise would be to sit him down and tell him everything, right from the time you met your ex, the reason why you started conversing with him, the reason why you left him, and the reason for marrying your husband, the reason for talking/ chatting with your ex in watsapp..... literally everything. Keep telling this again and again!

    Please remember this is not a one day or one month's task...it might take an year or two or more to get back what you had previously but it looks like you still love your husband. So put all your ego and negative thoughts about your married life aside. Concentrate on getting your husband back.

    Remember that lies don't last for long! so if the ex and his wife lied to your husband, you can make your husband see truth but with loads of patience and effort from your end. Dont give up so easily. Dont let your ex win this battle.
     
    mimi77 likes this.
  10. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    OOps mimi,

    I just read @Rihana post and looks like you knew what you were getting into...so sorry! Correcting something like this is a huge task and as she correctly pointed out, it might sometimes take an entire lifetime to pay back for that.

    Just stay strong and remember that boring or peaceful doesn't mean 'not good'!
     
    Angela123 likes this.

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