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Am I teaching wrong habits to my kids.

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by saheli, Jan 25, 2011.

  1. saheli

    saheli New IL'ite

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    Hello Indus ladies,

    I am in big dilemma that if I'm teaching my kids good habits or not, please read my problem.
    I have 11 yrs kid whao has friends but "use to" have one bf but earlier they were in diffrent school so in middle they satrted going same school but diff class. but one day my DS said his bf is not good anymore, hurting him, like all parent I told him u should let him know & he did & still things were same then he complained to his mom & she handle very seriously bcos they've been friend past 3-4 years & so do moms ,never try to say any bad bout anybody. but one time when we'were talking she told me that my DS said something bad bout her kid so her DS stop talkin to my DS. I asked my DS in everyway but all he said I said nothing wrong just asked & told other kids to what happen between them. now friend ds is not talking to my DS. I didn't get worry too much until my DS said about another boy who live in same neighbourhood & used to go together in same school & same class,(last year that boy said he is going to ditch all his old frnd in middle school so he did) ,so this school year he start ignoring my DS I were not worry neither my son. but during lunch time when my son try to sit some other kids who sit with that boy,
    start playing table to table game means if my DS sit on that table where his other friends r sitting with that boy ,that boy immedialtely change the table & so do other kids but as soon my DS goes to that table that boy change the table again so after 2-3 try my DS gave up & sat with usual friend.

    Now my ques. is, is it my DS or indirectly me which I felt taught too much good habit to my DS or I'm the only one making it big deal?

    That boy is same like us from India.

    I don't know what to teach my kid to handle this kind of situation. few times I asked my DS to ask that boy why he behaves this way. but my DS refused.
    Please help me as I'm feeling guilty.

    I hope to get some help from u all.

    Thanks for having patient to read such long story.
    Saheli
     
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  2. maya69

    maya69 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Saheli,

    I know it is very hard to watch your child figure out his social circle. But I have found that kids friendship changes between elementary and middle school. Kids who might have been BF in elementary might not be so close in middle or high school. Kids are getting their own interest...one might be athletic, other more into music or computers and friends split apart. also middle school is less supervised than elementary so kids dont all have to be one happy class anymore.


    In your son's case, it hard to figure out what caused the rift with the BF and whose fault it is. Kids will never tell and since both moms have tried to fix and nothing can be done except for the boys to figure if they want to. The second boy, clearly said he is making new friends at new school. He has figured out that he can have some fun with your son by making all his peers follow him around and ditch your son. That boy is clearly being mean.


    Since your son has other friends I think you should tell your son to concentrate on those and ignore the ones who clearly dont want to be his friends. He doesnt have to be mean to them, but he shouldnt go out of this way to be friendly either. You also should play it down and not let him see you worry about his social circle.



    As a parent you can encourage play dates at your house or park with his other friends and casually observe how he behaves with them. If he is always getting them to play his way only.. then I would talk to him about it.

    (One advice I gave my DD about being teased is she has three choices... 1)laugh it off and ignore and the teaser will get bored, 2)tease back in a way as to not get in trouble yourself, or 3)tell the adult in charge. Kids usually dont like to get adults involved anyway. I gave her possible words to tease back. DD usually didnt like my suggestions but atleast I told her its ok to be not nice, when someone is not nice to you too. And eventually she figured it out how to handle it.)

    -Maya
     
  3. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Ask your son to ignore tthat boy and go on as nothing has happened. He is having other friends so you need not worry. He has tried earnestly to revive his friendship but the other fellow is not interested. It is best to let go.
    It is better to have only one friend or no friend rather than having such friends.
     
  4. saheli

    saheli New IL'ite

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    Thanks to both of you for ur valuable advices & sorry for late responsing.

    @ Maya, I like ur idea giving kid options. As u said leave that boy so I told myDS just leave him. The next day that boy ask me for ride not asking by my son thru somebody else. I was surprised how dare he can do that but I try to pretend that I don't know but do u think I should say something to that boy but it is not going to help my son bcos I want him to learn to stand up for himself. so one more time can u suggest me something.

    @ Varloo, My DS is not having anymore interest in that boy, 2 days back he called my DS (after all this drama) & asked him bout homework. {that boy has this habit not paying attention in class but call the classmate to know hw (we've 1 whole year experience) & like I wrote above what had happen before this.}
    My DS didn't wanted to talk but I said just talk necessary things not anything else. was it okay or I shouldn't let my son to even attending his calls.
    Can u both help me with ur valuable advice.

    Please don't think I am making it big issue but trying to find out the way bcos I have younger one too. Also before they get hurt I want them to be ready to stand up for themselves.

    Thanks again.
    Saheli
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2011
  5. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Saheli,

    Nice to see that you care a lot for your kid :thumbsup

    However, getting hurt is part of the learning process. We all get hurt sometimes, and learn from that. Thats a strong learning method. I am not saying expose them to terrible hurt, but small hurt is part and parcel of life's way of teaching things so they can grow into stronger adults eventually.
     
  6. sreekulu

    sreekulu New IL'ite

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  7. saheli

    saheli New IL'ite

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    Thank you, Spiderman1 & Sree.

    You r right Spiderman that I have to stop worrying & let him learn his way & I know he will . But sometimes when they can't find anws they won't ask but look up to us so I just want to be prepare.

    Sree, I love ur idea & I think I'm suppose to say this before but never came into my mind. Thank you.

    I am also learning from u guys, lots of experienced people here & everybody has diffrent opinion but I know I'll find the right solutions by reading ur opinions & advices.

    Thank you all for ur opinions & advices.
    Saheli
     

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