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Am I Over Expecting?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by happygolucky22, Mar 31, 2017.

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  1. Mar 31, 2017 #1
    happygolucky22

    happygolucky22 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I typed a post 2 weeks back and then after reading it before I posted I felt that yes I am over expecting lol. But now that 2 weeks have gone by I am here and feel I must share this with someone.

    Background: We live in US and have a toddler who is 2.5 years old. I am working from almost last 2 years. My commute to office is hectic and takes me 75 min to 90 minutes one way (by bus and car). I get up around 6:15 on weekdays and sleep at dot at 10o clock in night. My husbands office is very close to our house just 10-15 minutes by car.

    Problem situation: I expect him to be up with me or atleast before I leave house at 7:15.
    In night I have to sleep on time as I can not function without good 8 hrs sleep. He takes care of my active toddler on most of the nights as he usually has started to sleep late or take a longer time to sleep. SO most of the nights I sleep alone. They both sleep in a separate room. He sleeps late and this is his habit to do some time pass until its late in night and then get up late in the morning as well. SInce his office is so close he just gets up takes shower and packs his lunch which is already made and quickly darts out of the home. We have nanny who comes for the toddler and also cooks food and cleans kitchen. But most of the days I cook some sabji or dal along with some fresh salad and toddler's dinner as she is not a great cook.

    My question is - is it a lot to expect from him to be up before I leave the house so that I can atleast have tea together or atleast feel lively in the house in the morning. My routine is so strict with job and commute that I feel like my house is more like a hotel where I come back to do chores and then leave again in the morning whereas my hubby gets to enjoy tea and readymade food. My hubby says if he is not up in the night then how come he is supposed to work on taxes, property related stuff, presentations, office work, to catch up etc. He says night time is when he can focus with no distractions and get things done.

    We own this house so its not an option to move closer to the office plus my office is in business commercial area where I would not like to move or live (main downtown/lot of rush/high rises/less Indians/more crime/lower rated schools/lesser parks)

    I fight and argue with him on this almost everyday and this thing alone has made me very bitter towards him. Otherwise he is a nice guy and helps me a LOT in household chores or with anything.

    How is it for those who are in similar situations? My friends with whom I commute with have the same story at their home and their husbands are not even that helping in chores and with kids but still I am not satisfied and feel bitter towards my husband. My parents always woke up whenever I had to leave house at whatever schedule. My mom made lunches and bkfast. This is something I am not getting used to in my marital house I keep thinking do you call this a family? Family does not function in this way and what not.
     
    happygolucky22, Mar 31, 2017
    happygolucky22, Mar 31, 2017
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  2. Mar 31, 2017 #2
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You get to sleep on the dot at 10 pm without having to worry about toddler. I doubt any working mother with a 2.5 year old has this luxury.

    Things are going great. A good routine is in place. You are able to get enough sleep in spite of a long commute, and one of you works in a place close to home. This husband waking up to give you company before you leave at 7:15 is highly unrealistic. He must also be taking care of things like paying the bills, and other online research to-do's?

    Rather than expecting him to wake up early, you try to join father and son 1 or 2 nights a week from 10 to 10:30 pm for some quality time. And enjoy the peace you have in the morning at home. Most households have a crazy morning routine.
     
    Rihana, Mar 31, 2017
    Rihana, Mar 31, 2017
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  3. Mar 31, 2017 #3
    happygolucky22

    happygolucky22 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Rihana! That's what I realized when I typed the post 2 weeks back. I agree and do sometimes sleep late until both of them sleep or to give them a company. I am also pregnant so may be my hormones are on an all time high and making me crankier. Thanks for your response I am going to read it again when I find my emotions running high :)
     
    happygolucky22, Mar 31, 2017
    happygolucky22, Mar 31, 2017
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  4. Mar 31, 2017 #4
    Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    Congratulations on your pregnancy. You are not expecting too much. But in real world not all our expectations are fulfilled. You should think more positive, look at good things and address your expectations gently to your husband. Not everyone is early risers. Some habits like sleeping timetable, eating habits are too hard to change. In pregnancy hormones control our moods so try to calm down, meditate, relax as much as you can. Remember you want healthy and happy baby so take care of your physical and emotional health. Good luck.
     
    Emarald, Mar 31, 2017
    Emarald, Mar 31, 2017
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  5. Mar 31, 2017 #5
    WiseAgnes

    WiseAgnes Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Op,
    Actually, I can totally relate to your story. When our twins were little, I felt like my marriage was falling apart because my husband and I rarely got to spend time together. I am a surgeon and I started working five weeks after giving birth because my patients were waiting for me. We hired a nanny and my husband was mostly working from home so he could be with the kids and supervise the nanny. I would come home, quickly make something to eat and I expected my husband to eat with me and talk to me. But he never had time for me. And of course, he would never wake up with me because he would be the one who was feeding and changing kids at night.
    All can I say is that with time it will all get better. Our kids started going to day care and we started having breakfasts/dinners and date nights again. Please, be patient and don't be bitter towards your husband. It's very easy to ruin your relationship when you are both tired and overwhelmed by being irritated and bitter. Just keep in mind, that this is temporary.
    Hugs to you and good luck
     
    WiseAgnes, Mar 31, 2017
    WiseAgnes, Mar 31, 2017
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  6. Mar 31, 2017 #6
    sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    I'll answer your question first - yes you are over expecting.
    your H drops the kid and probably pick up too.
    handles the kid until you are home ?
    Please do not complain on him sleeping late.
    From your post I can see that he does a lot with the child and also gives you the luxury of great sleep.
    His only getaway is probably reading something online. Let him be. That's not wrong.

    Spending one or two nights with kid and husband is different from having to actually sleep with an active toddler all weekday nights.
    Things will change. you toddler will be able to sleep alone peacefully soon. Then you and your H will have your time again.

    Hearty congratulations on your pregnancy. think positive and see the love of your H in helping you get some rest. Please dont fight with your H on a point where he is being caring.
    Some of the men I know are like - your job, you taxes, you handle it. As a mom its your job so you handle the kiddo. Why have a nanny, why dont you plan and cook /

    Take good care of your health. Any day, if you need to vent/talk/release that stress caused by hormones, you know we are all here to hear/suggest/help.
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2017
    sbonigala, Mar 31, 2017
    sbonigala, Mar 31, 2017
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  7. Mar 31, 2017 #7
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh didn't know that! Should say in this thread also, na? : )

    Congratulations on the pregnancy. Then, at least for these months, he should make some attempt to wake up early once in a while......... But, staying up an hour more is easier than waking up 1/2 hr earlier.

    All these fights and all happen... then time flies... and then kids will be eager for you both to go out of the house. When kids are older, if you both are going out for dinner, they will start asking from 5:30 pm, are you gone yet. : )
     
    Rihana, Mar 31, 2017
    Rihana, Mar 31, 2017
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  8. Mar 31, 2017 #8
    sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Cannot agree more on this ! I miss those tiny buttery cheeks and those, "ammaa nenu kuda vosthaa" (Mom I want to come too) . Time flew and flew super quick and that little girl who cried for milk each night and that little boy who screamed his lungs out in the night - are now making surprise coffees and vacuuming the hallways for mamma !

    Life is a bliss, isn't it!
     
    sbonigala, Mar 31, 2017
    sbonigala, Mar 31, 2017
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  9. Mar 31, 2017 #9
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes. : ) I read your snippet on that breakfast surprise they made for you. And wanted to say soon they'll push you and dad out of the house on date night. : )

    OP, did not mean to hijack your thread. : )
     
    Rihana, Mar 31, 2017
    Rihana, Mar 31, 2017
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  10. Mar 31, 2017 #10
    Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Good advice. In similar situations when wifey tries to kiss him goodbye in the wee hours of the morning, husband gets the wrong message, and does indeed "wake up to give company". While happy-ending is always a good thing, one would end up being late for that bus to work.
     
    Nonya, Mar 31, 2017
    Nonya, Mar 31, 2017
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