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Am I Expecting Too Much?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by anivijay, Dec 16, 2016.

  1. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    OP,
    These are wise words. From now on, what ever you feelings about your mom and sister's attitude towards you, communicate it directly as soon as they come. You have taken care of your family enough. Now concentrate on you and your family. Because when there is a need, your mom and sisters might not come forward for you or your kids and husband. Don't be emotionally dependent on your mom and sisters, if they didn't give gift, you cannot make them give. and do not worry too much thinking about this. Yes, They are family and you cannot change that. But please find the ways for you to be happy even if they ignore you or dont do anything for you. In a way, we all are alone in this world. Forgive and forget, because nothing stays forever.
     
  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    You overdid things for your family and they don’t meet your expectations in terms of reciprocating. It’s tiring to walk that extra mile, meet somewhere in between. Restrict how much you do for them and for the few things you do , don’t expect anything from them.
    Your siblings are normally functioning adults, only children need the extra help and hand holding.
     
  3. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Dearies,
    Thanks for all your kind words and support. Apolologies, I couldn't reply to each of your message , as it was difficult connecting to internet back in home.

    Would like to give you the updates of how it went.

    First of all, I took all the tests. Everything ok except heart beat is still high. Doctor asked me ignore that and be tension free and stress free. I am working on that.

    I tried my best to keep quiet and not commenting on anything unnecessarily. But sister no 1, interpreted that I ignored her and stopped talking once she entered the room which was not true. i was quiet . And another complaint was, I was not excited seeing her in the airport(after 36hrs journey)


    My children had best time with their aunts especially with 1st one and her son. She and her husband took them out 2 or 3 times. They enjoyed.

    Even after my best efforts, the saree matter came up twice. My mom gave an excuse. I am hearing for first time. Shocked. This is what she told.

    "When her marriage was fixed, people(mentioned one name) asked me did you have any agreement with in-laws, so that you will get part of your daughters salary for your family every month. I was generous. I didnt expect anything and didnt want to ask such things. we dont expect from you. then why do you expect from me? "

    I asked her, in which house, parents expecting money from married daughter? She was telling every body does that. she didnt because she was generous.

    Quiet shocked she had this thought all these years. first of all, I knew our family's financial status. If it was that bad, i wouldn't have married. I got married, because my mother was working, she got my father's pension and an own house and rental income and some other income as well.

    Second, I left my job within 2 years after marriage, because no body from my family could help me raising my children so I had to resign my job. In the last 15 years, i was merely working for 6 or 7 years thats all. majority of the time i was just home maker.

    Third, she doesn't expect anything from sister no 1, who is in permanent job for past 15 years , who is earning a very good pay in India, and who is staying with my mother with her husband and kid. Sister is paying for half the salary of maid (who looks after her kid), nonveg on week ends, current bill . Every other expense including their ironing bill given by my mother. But she didnt expect from her but from me, i dont understand.

    I didnt ask her all these questions , but realising one thing. That she always considered me different than her other 2 children. All I did for them out of love didnt have any meaning really. you were all right. My mom finishes the talk saying, sappa matter(silly issue.. is this a thing to discuss that I didnt buy saree for her?). Then I noticed, the house was filled with clothes ( Sarees, nighties, salwars.. new bags from textile shops unopened). I realised why its silly thing for them and not for me.

    I didnt buy much for them this time except eatables. I bought a hand bag for sister no 2. because when she came here, I showed her a hand bag but at the end I gave that to Sis no 1.

    I went for shopping and in my usual way, I bought 2 sarees(not very expensive though) for my mother. She told she would accept them only if I receive saree from her. I said she should have bought for me herself. If she buys, only after this much drama, I dont need them. I have been the same and its up to her whether to accept the sarees or not. she is free to give them to anybody, if she is not ready. I wont mind. But later I didnt want to hurt her at this age and said ok I will get saree from her. but at the end, no time for shopping and I left.

    We went for 2 short trips and I didnt pay anything except paying in some restaurants(again not much). I thought it was ok.

    other than that, I took her to hospital one day, bought medicine. Most of the days, I either ordered food or took them to restaurants in nights so that atleast reducing some work for them. but no lavish gifts / shopping this time.

    Sister no 1 was very upset, because I didnt invite her for shopping. I told, I didnt have enough money to pay for her shopping as well as I did earlier. I was tight on budget.

    My friend visited me from another city and she presented me a saree ( its not necessary but she told me, since she is seeing me after 12 years and she heard I was unwell she wanted to cheer me up). I was very happy to see her and she made my day. My mom and sisters were with me watching quietly.


    Sister no 2 , bought a saree for me. As I told earlier. I received it happily. She took us to dinner one day even though I said no. I realised it was too much considering her financial status. but she didnt listen.

    I already ordered few salwars for me online. I presented the best one among them for sis no 2 for her birthday. On the night before I left, I asked my husband to transfer money to my account and waiting for that . I had only 5 or 6k as cash in my hand. I thought of giving 2k each to 2nd sister and her husband( I usually give and this time I felt, she spent so much for me beyond her capacity, I didnt want her to struggle) And keep 2k for myself as petty cash. I gave 2k to bil. Before giving 2k to 2nd sis, I realised I didnt give anything to house maid. So, I took 500 back and gave 1.5k to 2nd sister. You wont believe. she started crying. I bought saree for you, I took you to hotel. I paid from my salary. But bil became more important for you so you gave 500 more for him. I just showed her my purse and how much I had. At this point, for first time, mother asked me shall I give you 5000? what would you do , if you dont receive money from your husband? This never happened. I said, no he already transferred.

    Sister started blaming me, when she visited here I bought her only a jeans but I bought jeans , t shirt for bil and hand bag for his mother. I told her, I bought all these because they are her husband/ mother in law. I have nothing to do with them. Why should I buy gifts for her boss's daughter?

    I told them I knew I couldn't satisfy them. I only knew how much I paid for each gift, how much I paid for each attraction , how much I paid for hotel and transport. only I knew. I did all I could. I stretched my finances as much I could. Still its a pity, I couldn't satisfy any one.But I cant do more that this. Please dont buy anything for me hereafter. I didnt tell them, only because of their visit and related stress, my heart beat raised. I told my mother, its emotionally draining to visit them.

    Yet she didnt talk to me. Next day morning flight. She was all ready to come to airport. But at last minute, no place in car and she couldn't come and could not say bye to me. Usually I hug them in the airport with all my heart. This time 2nd sister and mother didnt come. Only 1st sister and her husband dropped us. so no hugs.

    So, how was my trip? I say it was good to everybody. But how did I feel?

    1. Of Course I had rest. They provided me food and shelter. Thanks for that. There was a maid. so not hard for them as well. I didnt demand anything just had what was prepared for them. I hope I didnt give any trouble related to physical work/ food.

    2. May be its time to move on. I am living for away for such a long period. They moved on already. Its my fault, I didnt realise all these years.

    3. No point in talking /discussing anything to my mom. She can not understand my issue. Better not to hurt her. Just keep quiet.

    4. On the last day, when I asked 2nd sister, why do you cry for such a small matter, she said "Nee mattum saree ku thai thai nu aduna" meaning you made a big drama for such a small issue(Saree) It hurted. No one ever understands. That exact words were spoken by my mom about me to 2nd sis I guess. They are just thinking I am a drama queen.

    5. I didnt fall for emotional black mails this time. There were some talks like "Do I have a husband/ son to give me money? where would I go" as usual. I was just listening didnt react.

    6. My mother is very practical. She realises that its the first sister who is going to take care of her if she falls ill. I am the one who can not help. so, she doesnt care about me. may be I should also learn to be less emotional and more practical.

    7. There were some practical difficulties in staying in our house. There is only 1 bedroom downstairs ( only access to bathroom). Its occupied by sis no1 as she is living there. We were given bedroom in upstairs. But because BIL was in home most of the time in their bedroom downstairs, it was very inconvenient for me and daughter to change dress. This I raised earlier. My mom could have asked sister's family to use bedroom in upstairs during our stay. or atleast asked BIL to go sleep in upstairs. She knew the problem. But didnt do anything. she was like, this is what we could provide. if you wish, adjust and stay here or we don't care. I felt it was my sister's house rather than our house(or mother's house) and felt like 2nd citizen.

    8. When I left India 8 years ago, I gave a purse to mom( first gift from my husband) filled with an expensive watch(birthday gift from husband), silver spoon I first used for my daughter when she born, her first anklet. I didnt want to loose them so I gave it to mom asking her to keep it safe. Mom kept that in her locker. Then she transferred it to sister's wardrobe. she cleaned the wardrobe and threw them outside. they are lost now. I was upset and it just represent how they threw me as well.. How I didnt have a place in that house just like my purse( am I thinking too much here)?

    What do you say? I think I should really reduce my trips .. may be once in 2 or 3 years instead of going every year. On the other hand, I have atleast this much till my mom lives. After that I dont have anything in India. The land I call home..

    Again a long vent. sorry and thanks for your time.

    Anitha
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2019
  4. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    And this incident happended while i was there. Would like to understand whether this is common behaviour of a mother.

    I was taking selfie in my phone. My mom was telling me, dont smile like that. It doesn't look good. May be you should try laughing. I got offended, told her you gave me birth like this. Till this point, even though I was hurted, I didn't take it very wrong. May be she told in casual way.

    But her reply was, Even when you are like this, you are doing all the make ups and trying to be stylish( "Ippidi irukapave, ivlo alaparai")

    This reminded me of another incident happened 3 years before. That was the time, I got sponsorship from my employer and we decided to settle abroad. I went to India for visa processing. As usual, I took one good saree and 4 casual sarees for my mom, 3 sarees for sis no 1(I planned 1 , but she took 3), 1 saree each for me and sis no 2. We were getting ready for church in new sarees.

    Mom usually compliments and admires how beautiful sis no1 and how her office mates praises sis no1 for her beauty and her spoken english skills and how stylish she is. That's the regular thing.

    I usually think me and sis no 2 look very similar and even facebook sometimes tag my photos as sis no2. Ofcourse, she is 10 years younger than me. I used to think, here, a younger version of me.

    This time mom compliments that sis no 2 looks like an officer in saree. Very innocently I asked, how do I look in this saree. The reply was " you look like house maid( Veetu velai seirava mathiri iruka)".

    I felt like some one threw boiling water on my face. But I suppressed that feeling and somehow tried hard to forget that incident. Telling myself, she didn't mean that.. Somehow those words just came through.

    But, this comment just brings back that memory.

    Don't know the reasons behind this comments.

    My dad used to make these type of comments when he was alive. When you are laughing whole heartedly at something, he would say "Dont laugh. Can't look at you". After that, I stopped smiling. I could have never smiled without conscious. Even I couldn't smile on my wedding day for the photos. But I accepted the fact that he didn't like me. And my mother knew how much hurted I was with my dad's comments. Even though, I never heard a compliment from her or she never said, you look good or pretty, she never said negative comments also earlier.

    But I dont understand the mindset behind these comments. Are they harmless? Is it how , mothers talk to daughters? Can a mother talk like this?

    Thanks
     
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2019
  5. Dobby

    Dobby Silver IL'ite

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    Hi dear
    Hugs to you. This seems to be toxic relationship.

    My sincere request forget all the comments made by your dad mom or sis.

    You have a beautiful lovely heart and took care of your family. Not needed anymore.

    Be selfish. Think only your dh, kids and yourself. You are beautiful. Keep thinking this. You don’t need compliments from them.

    If you keep thinking about the things that happened it’s going to spoil your health and peace of mind.

    So for your peace of mind stop talking / thinking about these things. Detach dear.

    You have done enough for your family. I have never seen own mom /dad commenting on their kids like this. It’s not normal.

    So to be sane you have to come out of this cycle. Stop thinking about these.

    You deserve a peaceful happy life. Good luck for a bright happy future

    Next post should be about how happy you are.

    Take care

    Loads of hugs
    Cheers
     
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  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Have seen this kinda behaviour with a relative. One of her son has two daughters, one with fairer skin tone n one darker, she treats the fairer one well n darker one bad. It’s heart wrecking to even see it from afar. But nothing much can be done. That’s how they are. Ironically, her son is dark too, n she loves him so much.

    Aishwarya Rai is considered to be so beautiful by many n average by many too. It’s just to say that what we consider beautiful changes from person to person.
    You are beautiful to your kids, your spouse, your friends n many, if your parents weren’t able to see that, it’s their loss.

    About your relationship, maybe take some time off, don’t travel again till you are ready to face this all over again.

    You have tried to fix it, talk about it, n so on, but it’s not progressing toward the right or balanced direction. They aren’t able to understand why some things bother you n you aren’t understanding why the different treatment. So give it a break for now.

    First focus on healing yourself n on your beautiful family, your career, future, n all the good things.

    Let go n don’t waste a second more on negativity but focus on the positive. You leading a happy life is the best thing you can do.
     
    anivijay likes this.
  7. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Ashneys and Dobby for your reply and kind words.


    Ok.. may god give me peace. Let me detach myself from them even though its heart breaking. When I can't expect anything from mother/ sisters, I guess I don't have any duties as well.

    Thanks for all your kind words.
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2019

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