Am I Expecting Too Much?

Hi Friends,
This is just a vent and if anyone points me , if I am doing anything wrong, it would be a great help..

About us..My father passed away when we were 19,14 and 8. I am the elder daughter and we are 3 girls. My mother was working as a teacher. Since my father was government servant and in very good position, we got decent pension and financially stable. After I started working, I used to think about my mother and my sisters. Used to save money as much as possible and give to my mom. Bought lots and lots of dresses for my sisters. Never said no to my sisters for anything. I helped my mom in all ways ,physical , emotional and financial support as any responsible elder daughter. Even my mom used to buy what ever I want even sometimes they were bit beyond our capacity.

I got married after I got placed in good IT company. I conceived 3 months after marriage. My mother didnt come and visit me. We were in a city, which require a overnight journey from my hometown. In the meantime we celebrated our first xmas when my mom presented us silk saree and dress for dh. We bought silk saree for amma ,sisters and my in laws. DH didnt have enough money to buy a dress for me. For new year , it's a custom that mil would buy a saree for DIL which my mil didnt. Next came my birthday, again DH didn't buy anything for me and my mom knew all these things and bit upset that dh and in-laws didnt care. After all these things, I came to my home town for easter. I was 3 months pregnant and went to my mom's place alone to teach maths for my 2nd sister. We had lots of issues after my marriage with in laws and they talked bad about my mom. I could not tolerate that and till now I don't accept my in-laws. Never felt in-laws house as my house. So I went to my house where dh was in his house. My mom went for shopping and came back with 2 dresses for my sisters and nothing for me. I was heart broken ,couldn't control my tears. She knew about my husband , my in-laws. Even if they buy something for me, what's wrong if she gets me one extra dress for a carrying daughter? I felt , for my mom , I was married and not part of the family anymore. She completed her duties towards me.

This happend 11 years ago. Now I have 2 kids. Settled in abroad. Took a career break for 4 years and after much hard work, got my job. All these years , whether working or not I've been sending dresses for my mom and sisters for every xmas and for their birthdays. My mom also gave many jewels for my children for all the occasions where there are customs from mother's side. She retired from her job. First sister got married and staying with mom. My mom used to send dresses for my kids for their birthdays. But never asked me whether I need anything. Sometimes, I used to ask for things like hair pins, or bindis. The response would be we already packed the parcel. cant open now. I used to visit them once in a year or once in 2 years,mostly during xmas. she used to buy dress for my kids . But it's been 7 years since my mom or my sister gave anything for me. I am not talking about jewellery or any expensive dresses, but just a saree worth 500Rs as a token of love. Is that too much of expectation? My in-laws also don't buy anything for me. But I don't mind.

My 2nd sister has to undergo a surgery 2 years back and I sent my mom 2L as my share. When ever my mother faces big financial expenses I used to share part of it. I used to tell my husband, since my mom doesn't have a son, it's my responsibility to help her. My first sister is also working. She is staying with my mom and never give anything to my mom but used to get money from mom. And my mom used to buy her dresses for her birthday and xmas regularly saying she is poor .. doesnt have a child.

So, sometime back I told my mom it's been 7 years since my mom bought a dress for me. She said that I am in high status. but my mother could afford only 300rs dress and I won't wear that . That's the reason she doesn't buy for me. But for my youngest sister, she doesn't buy any dress below 2000. And I knew that my mom gave my first sister around 2L. But she could not afford more than 300 rs for me.

My first sister is pregnant now after 7 years of marriage. My mom is taking good care of her as my sis has to be in bedrest. Yesterday my mom went for shopping and bought a 1500 rs saree for my first sister. She gave me the reason that she bought the saree because she is pregnant. I cant stop thinking about the incident I said earlier. I told her how she broke my heart. My love for them doesn't change after marriage. I love them the same way. She asked didnt she did anything for me? I said you have done so many things for me and given me so much. But you were so calculative in such a small thing. I will remember everything that you have given for me and this incident also would stay in my mind forever.

Then she asked shall I buy a same kind of saree for you as well? I said you didnt think about me earlier, and I don't want your dress after all these arguments. Please never buy anything for me.

Friends, I really dont understand . Am I expecting too much? Yes I am working , earning and I can buy what ever I want. Even now a days my DH buys so much for me. But other than my DH, there is no one to give me present. My in-laws hate me and never treated me like DIL. That's a different story. I dont have brothers who would give gifts every year. I dont have father. Why my mom is like this? Her monthly income is around 50k. I know she is financially sound. I am not saying that I am getting a saree for you for 4k . so , you should return that.. No. what I am expecting is a saree for 500 or 1000 when I visit them. mom bought me a dress for 1k in 2009. Till now, I am keeping it safe. When ever I see that I think it's brought by mom.

After having that argument with her today, I am feeling bad. why did I ask her those qns? Even my sister.. During my last visit, I asked her to come with me for shopping. I bought one saree for myself and planning to buy one for her. but she bought 3 sarees and I paid for all of them. The tailor spoiled my blouse, and my first sister was complaining why did you stitch this blouse? Why do you need a saree. you should have given this also to me.. The tailors shop was near her office and till I leave, she didnt alter that blouse.. And I had to leave that saree there. Why didnt she think,ok this time let me get a saree for akka.. When ever I see some nice things here, I used to collect them for my mom and sister. And everytime I visit they used to give a big list of hand bags, mobiles, kitchen gadgets, chocolates.. When ever I tell my mom that I bought something , her reply would be ok buy one for us too or get one for sisters.. But never give me anything back. I dont think this will be case with other NRI daughters during their visits. I express my love for them through this little presents. Don't I deserve?

Please let me know ur views. Am I being silly?

Thanks
Anitha

 

Hi Coolgal,
Thanks for understanding .

A very accurate analysis of my case.

1.Yes, When my father passed away, I did try hard to fit into his shoes , strong and bold and do anything for the family. Drop mom in school on time, go to banks/ pay EB bills, collect rent from tenants, go to market, picking up sisters from school, taking care of construction in our house, buy paints / const. materials all these when I was just 19. Where as my first sister took role as a innocent little girl who doesnt know anything, fragile who needs someone's attention.. Not only my mom and sisters , but even my extended family , uncles and aunties, they have this image about me. Settled in abroad and working here adds fuels to that.. I am earning in lakhs and doesn't need anyone's love or care . Some years back, we have a family issue because of my first sis. So my aunties fought with my mom. As always, I asked justice for my mom. My husband warned me dont interfere into that. But I was like, who was there for my mom and sisters, except me? Now, I became enemy and they stopped calling me or inviting me to their homes but always taking care of my sis and pampering her as she is innocent and I am the cunning one in the family .

2.The first thing my mom did after marriage was removing my name from the family card . I think it would have been a big relief that she had completed one big duty. In-laws as I told never accepted me in heart. Sometimes I have heard husband also saying this is my house. I used to tell him, I have no house. . But even though I am not part of the my mother's family and have no rights in her wealth, still I have my responsibilities over there. My second sister is disabled. So, I promised my mom that I would take care of her in future if she is not getting married. First sister was like, take care of me too

I was feeling bad after my argument with mom today. As you told they wanted to see me only in this role. But I am longing for little pampering .. some kind calls from relatives..I expressed myself. But my mom would be thinking that I am jealous of my sister.. No , I am not. I am happy for her. But somehow couldnot stop comparing today. I am praying god that he should give me patience to keep quiet..

Thanks again for understanding and your kind words.
Anitha

 

Hi Skalluri,
Thanks for your kind words.
After that discussion, I talked to mom and didnt mention anything. But somehow I feel, some difference. Dont know. It May take some time to be back to normal.

My last sister gave me some reasons like when I was pregnant, my mother got 2 unmarried daughters. so she was in a situation , she couldn't buy for me. Now she settled 2 of her daughters so when sis is pregnant she decided to get a saree to cheer her up.

Knowing my mom's financial situation, this is not true. What killing me is, my issue is after marriage they treated me as outsider where as they are considering my sis as part of the family even after marriage. When ever they are coming up with reasons like these, I am feeling as if I am going far away from them. As if I am all alone. But they are thinking I am jealous and making issues when sis is pregnant after long time..

You are right, when we cant find happiness in one place,there is no point in searching in the same place again and again. But now I am very happy. My 9YO son bought me a watch for xmas. Thing is he spent all of his savings in that and even told DH, he is ready to do chores for extra money if watch is expensive... and he told that I deserve the best . What else do I need?

Thanks
Anitha

 

Had to open this thread after long time. Again a vent.

Lots of things changed in these last 3 years.

Somehow , I lost my job and could not go to new job due to some visa restrictions. Husband had to leave for another country for 2 years and we went through lots of financial stress which sadly created lot of stress in marriage life as well. In the mean time, 2nd sister got married and in spite of knowing our financial burden, mother and sister indirectly forced me to get 1 lakh worth of gold to sister and I had to buy a diamond necklace for her.

I could not talk about this indirect stress to husband and I end up receiving some very harsh words from husband. It was hurting so much and I decided, I am not going to buy anything for myself(except food) with husband's money. I dont want to go in detail about all those things. that's seperate thing.

So I was wearing old clothes for Xmas, Newyear, birthday and wearing shoes that were worn out(which i had to hand stitch). Even when I went to India also, it was same. My mother noticed and asked me generally you would wear nice clothes. now, it doesnt look like that. I told her had some issues with my husband and I decided not to take any clothes until I go back to work. And told her , this is what happening for past 2 years.

In this time, i have saved some money( I chose to travel by bus instead of domestic flight) and I bought 3 sarees for myself(one for 2000, 2 for 500 each). I could not keep all those 3 sarees to myself, as per my character and I ended up giving one to my mother.

I stayed in India for a month. No one, mother or sisters bothered to take any saree for me. I returned back.

After coming, I came to know that 1st sister is mad at me, because I was not kind enough to give her a saree when I bought 3 sarees for myself. Please remember, this sister is in a government job earn 60k per month and getting atleast 5 sarees each month. So, I asked if I have to give 1 out of 3 sarees I bought for myself, where are my 20 sarees out of 60 she buys every year?

During their recent trip, we had some conversations and I told them how I felt so alone in this world in my difficult times? how I felt I had no one to worry about me? And my mother gave me following reasons for not buying me anything.

1.She treats daughter and son in law equally. So, if she is not getting any clothe for son in law, she is not getting for daughter as well. after all, son in law never hurted her. ( i dont understand the logic here)
2.If I ask , how come she is getting saree for 1st sister (but not for her husband), answer was, she never treated 1st sisters husband as son in law. she never gave him that space. so, she can buy for 1st sister.
3.I have already so many sarees(all are atleast 10 years old). why does she need to buy new one for me? I asked her, why do you buy new sarees for yourself, when you have wardrobe full of sarees. Answer was we are buying for festivals. you are not coming for festivals.
4.I am in high status. So, if they have to buy a saree, they cant buy for 1000 or 2000 but they had to buy for atleast 5000. I asked, ok even in that case, why cant you spend 5k for me in a year while your monthly income is more that 50k? ah, if we buy a saree for 5k and if you dont like it, it would be a waste.
5. How come you are getting dresses for 2nd sister? when ever I buy for her, I buy for her husband as well. you can not compare as she is disabled. (this is not a problem for me).

My expectation was, when I am telling my mother, I am not getting a new dress for Xmas, her response should be " shall we get a saree for you and send through post( atleast you can wear it on your birthday in Feb) ?" . Not a saree itself, but just asking shall we get it for you? Or if they are really kind, a saree for me when I visit them. Its not just a saree for me. In my eyes, its the emotional support from my family saying we are there for you in your difficult times. Which I was not given. But these answers and reasons , they hurt like hell.

So, these things are going on for quite some time. I cried few times to 2nd sister. She bought a kurta set for me during her recent trip to my home. mother and 1st sister didnt buy anything and mother gave all these beautiful reasons.

Now I am going to India, for some medical check up. The saree I gave to mother last time is there ( mother doesnt want it because its light material, sister dosent want because i didnt give her) . I told them last time, to stitch a blouse for me. 2nd sister told me, she couldnt find any new blouse of me, and she gave some old blouse for measurement. But I already ordered a ready made blouse.

I called my mother and told her dont give for stitching. I already got blouse. saree itself is 500, I dont want to waste tailoring charge. she told 2nd sister has bought a saree for me. I told her, she has already given a dress. that is enough. why she has to struggle? I dont want. and more over, if she has to buy for me, according to mothers rule book , she has to buy for my husband also(after all he never hurted my sister as well). so i dont want to trouble her and she can keep the saree for herself.

I dont see anything wrong in what I said. I said, once I was expecting those things. Now I understand things from their angle and fully acknowledge their reasons. so, i dont have that kind of expectations. More over, I am working now. I can buy what I want and not depending on others. there was a time, I was looking for emotional support, but not now. so I dont want. The reply was below.

"Ok, we have never done anything to you. you won't leave me till I die. You can tell what ever you want. I can bear them. Because I am going to live only a short time. But please dont behave like this to your husband. it is your life. take care of your life. If you talk like this to your husband, your marriage life will break. Poor son in law. Now only I am realising how you are torturing him"

Happened two days ago and I am leaving to India in 2 days. If I could, I would cancel the tickets. dont want to go. Dont want to face them. Something broke in my heart. no pain though.

No point in explain anything to them.

May be my last trip to their home..