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Am I Expecting Too Much From Dh?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BeingSoulful, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. BeingSoulful

    BeingSoulful Silver IL'ite

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    Dear ILites,

    I have been in the US for 2.5 yrs. I used to drive in India & an accident took a big toll on my mental stability to drive. I have not been driving here in the US. We could not afford a second car back in 2015 & DH was ok to pick/drop me from work. This has been going on since 2yrs.

    Since last yr he has been insisting me on getting a license so we could look for second car option. I could get back to driving & it took sometime for me mentally be ready to drive however every time I drive with him, we end up fighting or I end up being upset with his rude comments. I know this is normal btw every couple. I took a few classes from an instructor, gave the test but could not clear the road test. He was just not supportive, he is a perfectionist and expects the same from others too. He was upset over the time & money spent for a failed test. This was a year ago. I agree I should have pursued driving more seriously/practiced & tried again. But with a hectic job, household chores and everything I just could not go back to driving.

    Now DH blames me for all his failures at work & otherwise since he spends time to pick/drop me (an hr approx a day with pick up & drop). He has a hectic job too. I am 18 weeks pregnant, with extreme nausea & everything else possibly pregnancy could bring. We are still not certain of buying another car since we have a new home closing in Dec & with baby in March. Our finances might not allow a second car until end of next year. These days he has become extremely bitter, our mornings are not pleasant as he is cribbing over everything & ultimately everything comes down to me & me not driving.

    I am already dealing with too much emotional chaos within myself with pregnancy, no friends, no family here or back home, absolute zero emotional support from in laws. With my mood flows & physical struggle it is getting harder to deal with him. I think I should not be forced to drive until we are sure of getting a second car. Am I expecting too much from him? He does help in chores at home when asked. Otherwise he is a caring husband. Do you think I should just get my license irrespective of getting the second car?

    I am not confident yet on my driving. If I want to get my license I may have to get more classes and try again after a year almost.

    NOTE: I have a learners permit expiring Jan 2019.

    All your thoughts are appreciated. Thanks!
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2018
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  2. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    I have been there and done what you are doing and regret not getting my driving license earlier. You need to remove the money factor and take as many classes you want. Your first priority should be getting a license. I don't understand this mentality of wasting money to get license. I spent quite a bit of money in getting my license but I don't regret even one day for the money spent. Since you both are working and closing a home I'm not sure what is the problem in spending money to getting license or buying a second car. Once you have a baby if you want to depend on your DH for every doctor appointment that is really burden on him. He has every right to get angry. 2 years is long time to pickup and drop off someone at work. Yes you are expecting too much from your DH. Accidents happen life happens we need to move forward in life. You can see a therapist if you need help in clearing your mind. You need to find ways to overcome your fear and just do it. Never ever take any driving lessons from husband.
     
  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Girl, one accident and one test failure is nothing. Pregnancy shouldn't hinder you from getting DL unless you aren't allowed to drive by the doctor. Go take classes. *IGNORE* the nagging with regard to the money. We can all agree that money spent on driving is money well spent. Just last year, I accompanied a friend for her fourth driving test. I took her for her three prior tests too. She passed in the fourth attempt. I don't think it's uncommon to fail the first driving test these days.

    I believe that safe driving is a life and death situation so if my DD makes a mistake, even now, after a couple of years of driving, I get angry. So your DH's perfectionism wrt driving may have some merit. I drive around a lot these days and it's extremely irritating sometimes. The added hour of driving isn't fun but I would be upset too if my DH complained about it daily when I'm pregnant and going through a tough pregnancy.

    Btw, I've been driving for over two decades. I started driving in India at the age of 18. I still get unwanted comments from DH all the time. He nags me so much in the car. It's annoying. I suggest you don't drive with the guy for a while. It's added stress you don't need. If he's around, let him drive. If you have a friend you could drive with, it's the best. I've gone for practice runs with my friend after she had the same issue. She told me it was easier to go with me than her husband.

    Don't let your permit expire. That will be one more thing you will need to do with a little baby. Get it out of the way before the baby gets here.
     
  4. NeerjaC

    NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

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    Whilst I don't agree with your husband's behaviour, I can understand his frustration, 2 years is a long time to pick up and drop off for work, especially if it takes as long as you say.

    When I first moved to the US, my husband had to drop me and pick me up to and from work everyday because I was too scared to drive here. It used to take us an hour and a half every day and although he was nice enough never to complain, I still felt bad because I could see how tiring it was for him. Since getting my license however, it has been a lot easier for both of us but especially so for me because it's made me more independent. And I think that is what you need to work towards too.

    Don't worry about the cost, instead consider that once you have your license, you'll be more independent and it'll boost your self confidence too.

    The only other thing I would say is to practice as much as you can, but maybe find a friend or relative to practice with since this is obviously a sore issue between you and your husband. Remove him from the equation and you'll be worrying less about annoying him and more about what you need to do to pass.

    Hope this helps.
     
    BeingSoulful and SinghManisha like this.
  5. happydheivanai

    happydheivanai Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Relationship is more important. If ur husband is not ok with dropping u better take Uber or scoop. U don’t want to drive and ur husband can take care of this job...While pregnancy don’t take too much stress. Don’t think about money now. Use Uber or scoop daily ...it’s the best idea I know.
     
  6. alady2018

    alady2018 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi @BeingSoulful

    I want to offer a few perspectives: I am sorry that a lot of issues are being dumped on you and the fact that you're not driving right now. I myself would be really upset if my partner was not happy giving me a ride to and from work - we're a team after all and we ought to complement each other when possible.

    Just to make you see where he may be coming from: Commuting is not just time. 1 hour extra is a whole lot. Especially if you guys are doing office time commute, traffic doesn't just flow, and being on the accelerator and brake is extremely frustrating and physically tiring (of course you know about this since you were also driving - just sharing as a reminder from a friend) and he is getting annoyed on what this extra hour could mean for his job progress. Also 1 hour extra also means more overhead of time synch up - texts, calls and planning according to each day's schedule for both. Also means he can't stay back late or leave early and must sync with you. And I've had a full-time job when I was single, married and with kid. And I know how many decisions/discussions happen after hours. Having a child in the future also means both parents become anxious of future, family finances, job security, promotions, etc. Taking away 1 hour from his work time, may mean he is not able to take away that challenging task, or he lost out on some "out-of-band" opportunity/info, he became second-choice for a promotion, etc.
    All this *doesn't at all* justify him complaining every day - just reminding you of things that's possibly making him react like this. Ideally, he conveys his frustrations kindly and politely to you.

    The other perspective i have for you is to approach getting driver's license with super-positive-charged-up-self. Imagine all the cool things you can do if you have a DL and then you guys can get your affordable second-car (even if you're not planning on buying now, once you have DL - the options to lease or getting a used car - will become attractive and many families do that for that second car).

    So here goes for the super-positive-driving-practising-you:

    1. 5pm an Monday and you've already had such a hectic day that you even forgot you were pregnant? Then stop by for the pre-natal yoga class - where 30 mins is all about you, your baby and relaxation!

    2. 5pm on Wednesday and you know the fridge is empty? Find that new Indian store where the veggies are pre-cut and make that quick hot sabzi to for you, baby and hubby to enjoy.

    3. 6pm on Thursday - and you feel you can't survive another work-day. Stop by for some retail therapy, a manicure or a nice foot-massage (or whatever suits you) .

    4. 4pm on Friday and can't wait for the weekend to begin: Call that old friend to stop by and get quick masala chai and samosa before you head home to the husband who will be working late! :p

    And yes after baby, EVERYTHING becomes 10X more difficult to find time for. So this is the best time to allocate lots of time for yourself and personal goals. Good luck on the DL!
     
  7. ThoughtsParv

    ThoughtsParv Senior IL'ite

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  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, you should. If it is harder for a homemaker not driving soon after someone moves to the US, it is doubly harder if she is a working woman and need to be dropped and picked up every working day. Buying a car is not the issue but not having a proper practice and drive carefully is. The traffic nowadays in every city is crazy and more so before or after the office hours. Frankly, commuting is much more stressful than the work itself in many cities. Getting your driver's license will boost your self-confidence.

    Don't think I am a heartless soul not considering your sincere attempt to learn driving and pass a test or your pregnancy. Don't let one accident in India dictate your life in future. Relax your mind and sincerely keep trying to pass the driving test without thinking about driving to and from work and without worrying about where the second car was going to come from.

    Have an instructor hired to train you if your husband's perfection is making you nervous on the road. If you get the driver's license out of the way, it would release the tension between two of you very quickly.

    Failing the driver's test once is not a big deal and I have seen many failing multiple times. I had five working days to get my driver's license in 1995 as my colleague agreed to pick and drop me for 5 working days. My wife went through a tough time getting the license as we lived very close to school and there was no bus facility to drop and pick him back. Assume all these pains are for a bright future. If you are a working woman or not, you have to be driving on your own so that you get the freedom to drive yourself wherever you need to.

    Relax your mind and tell your husband you are determined to get the license as soon as possible. That will power would work wonders and remove the tension between two of you. When you are pregnant is when you need to be much more relaxed and have a wonderful environment around you. All the best.

    Viswa
     
  9. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    I have that fear of driving for the past few decades. I understand the issue clearly.

    It is my lifelong hindrance / the fear of unknown. I am not comfortable driving to a new place,
    but fine with daily routines like work, doctor's office, mall, grocery stores etc.
    The multi-story highways / ramps makes me dizzy!

    My DH used to give me practice run ahead of time, if it is a new place. Now a days, it is
    much easier with GPS, eventually you can reach your destination! Hard to miss it, worst
    case may need to circle few times!

    You cannot depend on others, here without a driving license. You don't have to be an expert
    driver but minimum should drive to your daily routine.

    At least for 3-years, my DH drove me around even after getting my valid license and the 2nd car
    because I was afraid of those 'what if's. Suddenly one Monday morning, he abandoned me and
    refused to drive me any more. Started to drive on the highways with tears and came home
    safe in one piece, that was few decades ago.

    Take a small step. You will be fine. One day, you will tell us fun stories of finding your way home.
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2018
  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Make it a priority to get your drivers license. Take as many classes as needed from a driving school. It will be much less stressful than learning from family members. If your husband is bothered by the cost then tell him tha it's cheaper than taking Uber and he will get back his routine quicker.
    In many parts of America a car and driving skills are a must. This country is not set up for public transport unless you live in the heart of a big city. I could theoretically take a bus to get to the subway station for my daily commute. It is just 3 miles from my home. It would take me 15 minutes to walk to the bus stop, 15 minutes to wait for the bus and 15 minutes to ride the bus. I drive myself there in 7 minutes.
    It is not fair to your husband unless you are working in the same place. And once you have your baby it will be invaluable for you to be able to go places on your own, such as doctors appointments, shopping, play dates or emergency pickups from daycare if your child falls sick.
     

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