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am i bad?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by poorwife, Dec 18, 2011.

  1. poorwife

    poorwife New IL'ite

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    Hi guys

    i am back again and i am posting in a different forum.

    In my previous forum i have posted many problems of my life, i wonder if someone guide me.

    I was bron in big city of gujarat in a gujarati family. I was a second daughter of my family. we are two sisters only. when i was born , my father cried as he did not want the second daughter, i was not treated since beginning beacuse i was second daughter in the house.

    1. I was used by everyone in the house, they all used me as weapon to get their things done. My dad used to buy things for my elder sister and used tell her that donot tell me that he bought it for her.

    2.my dad used to beat me a lot

    3.whatever happens in the house, i was blamed for this . I will give you an example, one day a glass was broken by sis and it was assusmed that i broke it and i was badly shuted at.

    4.my father blindly trusted everyone and as soon as anyone complaint about me, he would start beating me.

    5. I was not allowed to get things which i wanted.

    6.my father is epileptic before my birth, and everytime he gets fits he would blame me, even before my birth.

    7.i was not allowed to dress what i want it. When we go out, my father used to decide for me.
    even when i go to buy undergarments,my father would come with me.

    8. endless examples, now when there was problem with my hubby and in laws my father shouted at me infront of them and told me that i am bad and causing trouble to them and i am not a good person and shouted at me badly.

    is there something wrong with me or my bad luck
     
  2. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    If someone says that we are bad, we don't become bad. What you write says more about your father than you...whatever reason he gives, you don't have to internalize it. Nor does it have anything to do with your luck.

    You too have a choice in how you feel about yourself. Sometimes negative relatioships are best left untended. No matter how close the relationship is,your feelings of self worth should depend on your own perceptions too. Don't look at yourself through other people's eyes...think of your strengths and go from there.
     
  3. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    join the club, you are not alone to have abusive upbringing. The difference is I was eldest sister and in my case mother was more bad than father, not just mother but her sisters and her mother treated me and my sister at times during childhood like we are not their sisters'/daughters' daughters but like her SILs who are burden on their sister/daughter. I had one younger sister and a brother who is 15 years younger than me. Do u know why he is 15 years younger, because after my sister's birth they were desperately trying for a son, but we are told that my mother got 6-7 miscarriage, but I have a doubt whether they were miscarriage or planned abortions followed by illegal sex determination. Before 2 years of my brother's birth, my mom had a miscarriage, I was 13 and my sis was 11, my parents blamed us for that and said u girls are manhush. But now over the years, my father is no more and my mother has improved but still sometimes she comes in her old mode. She now don't admit and accept that she was so horrible to us, she says she don't ever remember this. I don't understand whether to pity on this old lady or ...... My sister was too horrible with me, she too was abused by parents but she is too selfish and never got along with me and my brother who is just 15 has turned roudy (gunda) in my words who is not respecting me and hitting and abusing me if his demands are not fullfilled. Sorry for whining, but then where and whom do I tell all this. But now I came to know I am not alone. I am divorced and at present living with my mother and siblings as I am not able to afford living separately right now. But my brother's abusive and demanding behavior drives me crazy. I bought him two wheeler, Mobile, pc, videogames, daily snakes, etc. thinking he is my baby brother afterall but big mistake, he is not going to learn respect as he was nvr taught, my mom didn't took him to psychologist for which I requested whole life, but now its too late as he is not listening to anyone and torchuring us ladies of house while no one is there to control him, my mom has become weak and my sister not interested while I don't have strength to fight with him as he is physically very much stronger than me and I can't tolerate when he hits me and I don't have any direct authority on him. I can't figure out whether to pity my mom who is widow and not well now or to hold grudges against her. I am going to take care of her in her old age but as of my siblings, emotionally they mean nothing to me. I am just putting up with them right now and once I manage, hopefully I get married second time with some good person and want growth in my career, hope I can buy my house in future.

    For you dear, lets e-hugs as we are sailing in same boat. Just be financially independent, and no point of expecting and love from them, be thick skinned towards them. Only talk to them when requred and just like they taken advantage of you whole life, same way you only have that much interactions and relation with them which benefits you.
     
  4. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP

    Please don't listen to people who talk negative. You struggled whole life and came up with shining education because of your hard work. Nobody support you in your struggle. So please ignore bad comments and build your own world. Have good friends around. Move away from depressing environment. I know some indian parents are still trapped in orthodox environment. You prove them girls are not burden but girls are blessings. Please believe in yourself. This phase will pass by soon, you have bright future ahead. Move away from abusive environment first.
     
  5. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi PW,

    It is really unfortunate that you grew up amidst so many problems and traumatic situations. I can understand how it must have affected your self-image and confidence.

    When you were a child you did not know any better. You saw yourself through the eyes of people around you. But now as an adult, you need to sit back and think very objectively about all issues. Were you at fault? From what you say, it seems your father had issues. You cannot change that. What you can change is the way you see yourself. It will certainly take a lot of effort and time. But you have to train yourself to leave behind the past. If you carry it with you, it is not going to help you in any way and will not allow you to get on with your life.

    If you feel your family is affecting you negatively, minimize your contact with them.
     
    2 people like this.
  6. kritka

    kritka Junior IL'ite

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    huh , Nothing is bad with u , u had enough of your father .Get rid of him now since u are married and u have independant life to live...
     

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