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Am I Acting Abnormal?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pranavi1987, Apr 30, 2018.

  1. pranavi1987

    pranavi1987 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,

    I just want to check my behaviour with all of you, if i am acting normal or abnormal.

    My background is i am married with a toddler boy, staying at USA working full time, my boy is super active keeps me busy always. Coming to my question , my husband and I are two different personalities and i agree we are brought up in two kinds of family environment, though we both were raised in India,My husband was brought up more like western culture.

    Their family is to themselves and never entertained any friends or relatives. I am super opposite but luckily my husband has friends, but my inlaws have no friends and they are not close to any relatives. Though my husband was brought up in that environment he is always hostile, i mean i feel he cant mingle with me also properly.

    Like we hardly watch tv together, he watches regional movies but not with me at all during weekends. I got adjusted now, i watch alone on my phone. I like programs like bigboss or reality shows he never sits with me for any tv show, if he has remote he keeps changing channels now i left,”.

    He hates photographs to the core, though i dont post any pics in social media, i love pics. If i ask for any pic he keeps on scolding, i have to bear a lot to get a pic , if it is my pic or family selfie. Luckily if friends are there then i m lucky. Else i have to bear his tantrums.

    He keeps scolding me i m inefficieint, even if i run behind toddler and if my son takes one step ahead of me then i m fit for nothing that i m leaving him. If i am driving car , i go through hell. I have to listen all his scoldings that if i drive little slow. Ofcourse i bear all these.

    Once we went to Bil house and they could not take vacation, we stayed there for a week, then i asked my husband to take some where out as i was getting bored, he scolded me like any thing that i have too many wishes in my life and i m too materialistic.

    Till now i havent asked any gifts from my husband before or after marriage. But i like getting teddy/ choclates or atleast a flower. I have no intimate pics with my husband, intimate is just keeping hands on my shoulders or putting hands around my neck.

    He and i have different hobbies i read a lot of novels from my young age. He says i have fantasies because i read a lot, he makes fun sarcastically that reading novels is waste of time. I am doing nothing important on this earth.

    I dont know what can i do, i dont expect much gifts because i started working from very early age, so i got used buying things what i need. Even now i do same.

    If i get sick he says i m unhealthy women always live on medicines( normal things like backache, headache, cold, cough) for me cough comes from inside, he has issues with it and it is loud.

    Positive things about him are he helps in kitchen and he is very responsible towards family.


    Friends am i thinking overboard? Is he criticizing me too much or it is normal?
     
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  2. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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    My h too criticize me and i too sometimes feel low. This depends on how we take. We can either take them very seriously and start find fault on us or can take them as another stupid personality and heavy load on earth and avoid their unnecessary comments.
     
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  3. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Many people have grave dislike for reality shows , clicking pictures often etc so if he dislikes that u have to respect .

    But your husband has no right to disrespect your choices . Reading novels and books Is great and increases our outlook and knowledge. So if he is criticising that he is just foolish and you shouldn't pay any heed .

    For other things like driving and taking care of kids , you are not his employee so don't allow him to berate you . Be firm and confidential and say no to continuous criticism .

    You are not abnormal you just have some interests that are different from his .But he surely is abnormal to try to micromanage your life and even your hobbies . If otherwise everything is fine , just listen with deaf ears and get busy with your life .
     
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  4. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    You're acting normal for some abnormalities of your husband's deeds . You have developed lots of worthy habituals, he got no say or to taunt you for being a better person than him.. I think you should speak to him, does his ego hurt in any way seeing your growth or is he in any way affected or having problems as he is way more primitive in his actions You're a complete package and still if he complains something is wrong with his thought process . Abnormal anamoly lies in his way and try to go for a date and just open up...
    Repeating daily chores would be boring at some point even you adjust all his actions instead just politely make him Understand. Seeing him your son would learn.. According to me home is the first place where a boy or girl learns to treat each other,, all those male chauvinistic behaviors are mostly adapted from father atleast to some extent., before the kid realizes what's right and wrong . If he discriminates you then history would repeat itself,, tell him that your son would develop all these perilous actions in future.. So he must set an example for that atleast he must respect you and treat you well...

    From your point you look like a blockbuster movie and yet the producer complains about the collection .... He is abnormally acting correct it..
     
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  5. Mira20

    Mira20 New IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    YOU ARE NORMAL!

    I see a lot of my maternal uncle in your Husband. All that you said, I have heard similar stuff from my aunt too. From what I have observed from my uncle's family background, his dad (granddad) had a similar behaviour. My granddad was highly family oriented and always kept my grand mum on her toes. Likewise, my granddad also helped my grandmom in her kitchen and was a devoted husband and devoted father. He lacked in expressing love in words and actions and my uncle seeing his father since his childhood, behaves the same until this day. So, it could be the upbringing style in your husband's case too?

    I understand it hurts when husband lacks in expressing love. Keep yourself busy with friends and try not spending more time with husband at least for a few days. Make him miss you and your presence. Let's see if he tails around you? If I were in your situation, I would write everything in an email and send it to him (in case it's difficult for you to sit and talk to him about how you feel). And for some days, I might also act a bit cold to make him understand I'm frustrated by his lack of expressions.

    Next time tell your H, not to criticise you for your driving skills. If he does, ask him to be on the wheels and you step away happily. One way of handling these men is to give them the way to do. My uncle used to criticise my aunt with her slow cooking process. Result - my aunt asked him to take care of the entire cooking and now she has entirely stepped outside the kitchen. My uncle had repented (disclosed to my mom) for criticising her slow cooking as he is getting up early in the morning to cook food for the whole family. My aunt was stubborn that you criticised it so you do me and show how to do it. No other option for my uncle, he is continuing to do it for three years now.

    But on the opposite side, I would be very thankful for what your Husband is at home. I would cherish that. I would ignore his presence in photographs but I would definitely put my foot down for criticising my driving skills or handling the toddler. Probably you can raise your voice in these areas too. Good luck OP. Cheers!
     
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  6. pranavi1987

    pranavi1987 Gold IL'ite

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  7. pranavi1987

    pranavi1987 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Friends for all your suggestions I will try some of your tips.

    Regarding expressing love- i dont really feel bad about it, because i am used to it by his behaviour, As I told you all i cant sit and explain to him calmly, he takes it offensive. Email wont work at all( He says you read novels and start writing stories, i dont have any patience to read).

    To be frank, i have no way to express my feelings, he either say silly or unwanted. Even if my cousins/friends ask me for suggestions( mostly we talk when he is not around) once in a while if he is around, he says you put mud on road on your head. Trust me friends i never involve in others life , i will just give moral boost up or positive suggestions.

    This is all due to his family lack of mingling with any one on this earth.I am surprised my inlaws have zero social life, even though they have relatives around, i have seen them visiting very rarely in 5 years of my married life. Not even grandmother, they are isolated people. Only saving grace here is my husband has friends( i feel very lucky that atleast he has friends) BIL is xerox copy of inlaws with no social life here in USA.

    I guess as you all said it could be brought up issues, but that is past and now i try to change him i feel it is difficult. I want my son to be not like him, respect women, have fun with maternal and paternal relatives.

    One more valid point here as some of our friends said, kids learn from parents that is 100% true. I read in lot of books and i saw my son imitating it too. I told this to my husband many times ( His answer is you are dumb lady he wil learn that first you reduce your dumbness, then i wont criticize) i am not sure what level of dumbness i have.

    I am not boasting myself here, i will try to do my tasks on my own most of them. As i was brought up in a very close knit family environment, i know many processes of rituals, handling things, handling people, i have a very good friends circle, good cousins circle. From the other side i was very good at academics and working from last 12 years( I have stepped a lot in career ladder and now ready for next level). Sorry i dont mean to praise myself, i have explained here so you friends understand, how can i call dumb? Some one would have called me by this time? I got married at age of 27, so i had very good understanding about marriage life( no fantasies). I dont feel calling me dumb friends
     
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  8. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    @pranavi1987,
    U have rightly analysed the reasons for his behaviour and it is clearly because of his upbringling about which not much can be done at this stage. It is difficult to have to always listen to criticism. Let go of things which do not affect you very much. Any major issues, tell him straight away that you are as you are, and do not want to listen to constant taunts. It may create further arguments, but at least you would have made your point clear. Apart from this, trying to change such people's basic thinking is almost impossible. With all the positives you have that you have listed, ensure that you are not cowed down by his trying to put you down. Remain your positive confident self and carry on. Once he reallises his ranting has not much effect, it will come down hopefully.
     

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