Alone

Dear Girvani,

I can imagine how you felt. When living at home with my parents, my mom used to hardly ever go out. On those rare occasions when I'd come home to see a locked door (our door used to generally be open and you could see the door from the road), I'd go straight to my sister's house. I could not face walking into an empty house even if it was for just half an hour. When I went to the hostel in the UK, I hated coming back to a dark room in the beginning. The warm cup of coffee and the warmth of a mom to ask me about my day etc. was missing.

Gradually I started getting used to the solitude of my room. There were days I enjoyed it too, especially when I wanted to get away from people.

After marriage, I remember the first day BH went back to work. I felt so desolate (despite 4.5 years of living on my own), but of course the reasons were different. This was not my home. It was my IL's house and I was not comfortable at the thought of spending the whole day in their company. Oh, those were really difficult days.

Now I have my own home. I always enjoyed having visitors - both types: those who were dropping in and those who stayed. Nowadays I don't have too many people coming over. There used to be many who would come to visit mom when she was here. Now they are very rare visitors. I have grown used to my solitude. I hardly see the BH the whole day long. I leave before he wakes up and he comes back after I am asleep. So much so, that I have even started enjoying the times he goes for conferences for a couple days. I have the home to myself, I love the feeling of locking myself inside with no intrusions from outside and doing my thing. I can cook what I like or choose to eat maggi noodles. I guess it is all a matter of what we get used to.

 

So beautifully written .
What more is there to say !
you have seen from all angles , thought along all lines , arrived at the doors of comforting wisdom .
Each of us must walk our own road . With faith in ourselves and in god , we can .

 

@girvani , loved to read this snippet - took me back to a few years ago when I felt the something like this. But dont worry, it gets better.

Even now some days I feel flustered because I cannot go for this class or do gardening as I have to be around at home for my teenage kids . Then I remind myself just another few years and they wont be needing me much, then I can be that gardener . Today let me be there in the back ground in case they need me.

 

I was agog to see your profile and landed on this maiden post of yours.
Quite an interesting introvert a bit. But then your realisation was great. (QUOTED HERE).
2. From war torn country a postgraduate doing it alone in a different place for a fortnight is great with all that back home feelings and focus on research.
3. You must be doing proud your loved parents.
God bless.