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Almost Divorced-endless Mil & Husband Drama

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Durga248, Oct 11, 2016.

  1. Oct 11, 2016 #1
    Durga248

    Durga248 New IL'ite

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    Hi all

    I am new to this thread. I have no idea how I stumbled on this but I believe its God's work. In fact I was searching the internet on how to perform the 9 Tuesday prayers with the Lime and I was brought to this link.

    I really need someone to talk to and some advise. My husband and I have been separated for more than a year now. In December he did come back and we tried to make it work. However in our marriage things are good for a month and the next month its bad. It gets so bad that abuse is involved and my husband packs up and leaves. My problem he has a very influential mother, she is every to ready to take her baby back in when we have problems in our marriage. She doesn't like me and never has from day one. I have 2 daugthers. At this current moment my husband has applied for a divorce and I am waiting for the summons which will be issued any day now.

    My husband is a typically mama's boy. His mother and his close family are very devious, instead of making a home they will do anything in their power to break his home. He never sees the wrong in anything his family does. Believe me I am not perfect as well, I have my faults but when I am right I do know so and stand up for that. We lived on our own, but we never had our own lives. Every single day he has to call and see his mother, she calls us in the middle on night when its our time to be together, she is manipulated and knows how to get her son on her said with her drama of crying or being sick.
    Is we have problems in our marriage she gives him one advise and me another. She is a control freak but the sad this he doesn't see her wrongs. She got away with so much drama that eventually I decided I will sign off the divorce papers which I did. But at times I look at the good times and years that passed us and cant just let go like that.

    He is a man that cannot think for himself, he has left me and the kids on several occasions.

    When the family fight becomes too much, he even hits me or verbally abuses me in front of his family to show he is the man. When we have a problem at home, guess who is advising him on the phone the phone.
    When his family he out of town, his entire dedication and time are with me and the kids. And when they are back he just changes to be a person I dont even know.

    Things have become so ugly that we dont even speak anymore and just communicate via lawyers...
     
    Durga248, Oct 11, 2016
    Durga248, Oct 11, 2016
    #1
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  2. Oct 11, 2016 #2
    KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Is he going to get visiting time for kids? Make sure that kids get their Father Time too, as part of their growing life, which is good for kids ,

    I can understand, may be not , now u might be angry with him and don't want him in your and kids life, but talk to lawyers about that kids getting Father Time and also kids financial responsibility related to father, both are kids right and you fight for that
     
    KashmirFlower, Oct 11, 2016
    KashmirFlower, Oct 11, 2016
    #2
  3. Oct 11, 2016 #3
    ssg

    ssg Bronze IL'ite

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    Durga248,

    I feel really sorry for you. I hope your situation gets better.
    You seem to be living separate with husband. what makes you both fight so bad.
    what triggers the fights between you and your husband. Yes MILs always try to poison son given a chance but why do you give her a chance.anyway that you can get a understanding level so no more fights between you both. You have 2 kids so think a lot before taking any final decision

     
    ssg, Oct 11, 2016
    ssg, Oct 11, 2016
    #3
  4. Oct 11, 2016 #4
    Priamani

    Priamani New IL'ite

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    Hi

    Why don't you ignore your MIL.. Engage your husband with kids responsibility.. Make him understand that almost every family is nuclear now a days.. Tell him even his mom as her own family.. She don't live or closely knit to her in laws anytime and so are you.. Takin king to him and making him understand may be difficult.. But you can always divert ur husband and make him do things for the three of you in his life.. Tell him who is going to suffer if something happens to him .. Only you and your kids.. Not his mom and others..
     
    Priamani, Oct 11, 2016
    Priamani, Oct 11, 2016
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  5. Oct 11, 2016 #5
    gok

    gok Silver IL'ite

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    @Durga248,
    After reading your post, i thought someone is writing about me.
    I am almost in same situation, except for the fact that he is corrupted on his own. I have 2 daughters, living apart for almost a year and i am waiting for the divorce notice any time. One reason why we have not decided to leave them and preferred to stay back this long is because of the good times that we had in between and we hope that they would turn good forever sometime. I first thought his drinking made him abusive but when he stopped drinking for a month or so, he was more abusive than what he used to be. When a man cannot take his responsibility and cannot be stable enough to stand for his family, and using his home as a temporary shelter and come and go any time he wants [like yours and mine] - is not worth holding of. Though this is the option that they pushed us to, they have done something good for us.

    I happen to read this and i realized that if there is no divorce, this cycle will never break.
    DVS - Cycle of Violence
     
    gok, Oct 11, 2016
    gok, Oct 11, 2016
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    Durga248 likes this.
  6. Oct 11, 2016 #6
    chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Ask yourself is it worth living with a man who cant think for himself.I don't think your in laws or his relatives are going anywhere. You will be better off being by yourself rather than be with a man who cant grow out of his mother's lap. Its a tuff decision to make but if made one day you will look back and be happy you escaped endless cycle of abuse and neglect.Good Luck.
     
    chocolate, Oct 11, 2016
    chocolate, Oct 11, 2016
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    dia3 and NeetaR like this.
  7. Oct 12, 2016 #7
    Durga248

    Durga248 New IL'ite

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    Had this been me replying to someone else I would say the every same thing. But believe me when you are in the very situation, decisions become so difficult especially if kids are involved...
    The issue with MIL will never end I have been fighting that battle for years now. However the sad thing is how on earth does she get away with all her devious ways, why doesnt he see through her?
    Yes he does she the kids every alternative weekends but he really cheated me with the financial responsibility part.
    The sad thing is when its his weekend the kids stay with his parents because lets just say he cant do anything without mummy. Imagine you want my kids in your life but cant respect there mother. He is not a responsible man who will go out of his way to put a roof or food for his family. I work and I am basically running my own home.

    His mother is a women from well, she posions the children's minds, she is such a bad women - lets just say she has no relationship with 2 of her own kids and yet this husband off mines dont see the pattern.

    Just so you know I am in South Africa and the law her is different. From an Hindu deceit though
    I have wasted so much of money for lawyers and on this man
    There are times it hurts so much, we all believe marriage is forever right...
     
    Durga248, Oct 12, 2016
    Durga248, Oct 12, 2016
    #7
  8. Oct 12, 2016 #8
    kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, you have to be careful with your kids when they go on weekends to stay with their dad and grand parents. It is undeniable that your MIL can poison your kids minds. When she can influence your DH, its very easy for her to spoil the innocent minds of the kids.

    In any divorce, kids are the most affected ones. We as an adults atleast try to come out of the pain with various other activities, but for kids its really difficult and they cannot express what is going on in their minds.

    Is there any option you can request court / lawyer to put a condition that your in laws are not allowed to meet or spend time with your kids?
     
    kcb, Oct 12, 2016
    kcb, Oct 12, 2016
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  9. Oct 12, 2016 #9
    gok

    gok Silver IL'ite

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    I am in the same boat as you are. This is something which a good friend of mine told me yesterday and it made me think deep: -

    If our own arms/legs are infected and doctor says it needs to be removed else it would spoil the entire body, we still give our consent to get it removed - though we know its difficult to live without arms/legs, it is a part of our body, spoiling all fun we had earlier, our arms/legs were doing all good to us and never harmed us, make us physically challenging, ... Though we have a heavy heart and full of fears and tears, we still want to get it removed.
    Same holds good for marriage as well. If you know your married life is already completely spoiled and it is going to spoil the remaining segments of your life and happiness, you should it let it go, though it is difficult now. Living without spouse but kids is difficult but not impossible. Time will heal the wounds of cutting [whether arms/legs or spouse] but keeping the infected ones will harm you more and more forever....
     
    gok, Oct 12, 2016
    gok, Oct 12, 2016
    #9
    dia3 and guesshoo like this.

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