Almost a year later

littlelost · Feb 16, 2012

I posted several months ago on here, have been divorced for almost a year. I received my divorce papers on Feb 14th 2011, I signed them a few days later and 6 months after that, it was finalized.

Just wanted to share how life has been for the past few months. One thing I realized is that life just goes on, irrespective of what or how I feel, life goes on. I am doing really well at work, made a few really good friends, who don't judge me by my marital status and who like me for who I am. It does feel good to be accepted for myself.

I still struggle with emotional eating--eating to cope my feelings of loss, anger and just plain emptiness at times. But then I ask myself what else could I have done to save my marriage--the answer is always "nothing more". I was in a very emotionally, mentally and physically abusive marriage--for 5 years. I had given up everything literally, even my own self respect for a while just to make it work. A few more years into it and I would have probably killed myself or gone crazy. I justify it to myself and go on with the day.

I see my friends, relatives all move on in their lives, have great careers, buy a home, have kids, and I am still nowhere in life. Yes, its stupid to compare, but cant help doing it at times. People advise me to focus on my job, develop other goals etc, but I know what I want in life--I want to have a family, I want a husband and kids. I know for sure nothing else would give me more happiness. Am I ready for it? Not yet. Will I ever be?--I think yes. The biggest fear is--who would want me? I am 32, over weight, and lets say am not the one who would put myself on a display. I am not shy, but don't think I can go out with strangers on dates.

There are days when I am at peace with myself. Very few of those, but they are there. The days when I think I am not a loser, I am tough to have endured all what I did and had the strength to put an end to it. The days when I think I need to move on for myself, for my happiness, this life is for me and me only.

I read a different thread on how people treat divorced women. I admit it bothered me a lot initially, I think at times it still does, but I am not as ashamed as I used to be. I no longer find it hard to say I am divorced. More than thinking about how others treat me, how I don't fit in,I think about what am I going to do with my life, how am I going to get what I want. I think the more I focus on that, it doesn't matter what the world thinks.

--Little Lost (I guess not so lost anymore )

aaral · Feb 16, 2012

Dear littlelost,

What you did required a huge amount of courage. So be proud of yourself. You are only 32 you will find someone surely. Have faith. I have a small suggestion join a gym teaching yoga it will give you peace of mind , confidence and as a bonus you will lose weight.Focus on yourself. You need time to heal. I am sure yoga will help. please try.

teacher · Feb 16, 2012

Good for you...the addendum to your name says it all...you have a long-term goal and just keep at it see how your own views about yourself are changing...it does help to keep track of that...because that is real progress, not how society treats you. Good luck

cj1980 · Feb 16, 2012

LL,

Why don't you sign up for a weight-loss program or take up Pilates/Zumba classes? Do this for yourself...to feel great on the inside and on the outside. There are a few things that give me a burst of energy and confidence when I am feeling down and out...exercise is one of them. It's good that you have identified emotional eating to be a problem you are currently facing...your next step is to find ways to overcome it. If you merely acknowledge it and don't do anything about it, you're in for some serious trouble!

Take it one day at a time...look at this season in your life as a time to focus on yourself and balance all those things that have gone haywire with the 5 years of abuse. In due time, you will be able to see yourself the way others see you...single, attractive, successful! Hopefully you will be drawn towards the right person somewhere down the road. cheer up!

Saisakthi · Feb 16, 2012

Dear Sister,

Congrats on being courageous to fight a battle for yourself, nothing more could hurt you beyond this, There are many sisters in India who get married in early thirties for many reasons, so cheer up, there is someone waiting for you and you will be with us sooner or later to let IL family know that the almighty has given you a valuable life to live in:thumbsup

May the almighty give you strength and guide you. Best wishes.

Jaisri · Feb 16, 2012

God! You have seen life! I am sorry to hear all this and i am proud that you took the right decision at the right time. Have faith in yourself and your decisions and it will work out for you. Time heals every pain. Believe it and concentrate on your self development/career and keep yourself occupied with hobbies of whatever interests you. You have a good life ahead!

archana2008 · Feb 16, 2012

Not so lost anymore happy to see your post. actually it gives encouragment to other women that there is life after divorce . you are just 32. In IL you have weightloss threads/buddies do join in those and you will definetly reduce weight. for emotional eaters buddies really are helpful. have hope in life, always keep smiling never know who will fall for you Good Luck Dear!

SSC · Feb 16, 2012

OP,
I remember reading all your posts, and those were my initial days at IL! Yes, time has fun fast, and you did the right thing, for yourself, and for your 1st marriage.

Coming to your current status, okay, so now that you are over your previous marriage, you have decided its time to look for someone special. So how are you planning to do it? Matrimonial websites? or dates? or a combination of both would be ideal, as you can chat up before, and then meet for dates. But for all these to happen, you should feel good about yourself. Believe it or not, weight issues does wonders to feeling good about oneself. Invest in a personal trainer, and work out on your body, and it does give you a lot of positive energy too!

Also set yourself a short term goal, other than career and personal life. Something like - okay, I'm going to take up dance lessons (Indian/non-Indian), and focus on getting better at it by thorough training, or run a marathon in summer for cancer funding, or any such goal that you are passionate about and think you will work towards, and something that is unrelated to your personal life (like I want to settle down in a year or two with someone) or your career (I want to be in blah blah position in a year). Keeping this in mind, go through a strict weight loss regimen, for your short-term goal. In a month or two, you will feel so much better about yourself, and you will have a new thing to look forward to, everyday, which is different from both walks of your life (personal and professional). And then, once you are ready, think about how you want to go on dates, and what kind of person you are looking for.

The mantra is to take it one thing at a time, and focus on motivating yourself. Come up with an action plan, and start working on things one at a time. Everything will slowly fall into place! :thumbsup

littlelost · Feb 17, 2012

Thank you all for reading and posting. I am limited in workouts I can do because of my knee injury which has only become worse by gaining more weight. I joined a gym at work, so that I have no excuses not to go.What I find the issue is lack of motivation.
Will try to get there, one day at a time.

Thank you all again,

flowerlady · Feb 17, 2012

You are a lucky girl , with a fab career ,age on your side , many will envy you!
Try working on the tread mill, its easier on the knee joints. Cycling is a real killer, from my personal experience.
Some say dont eat carbs in the evening , just soup , salads a light dinner, there are so many diets you can follow.
Since you are working its easier to have a light lunch and balance the rest of the calories.
Dont refuse dates , social dos. Get a make over , it will cheer you up like nothing else will.
PS- Chubby girls are also cute, weight has nothing to do with happiness , its just an excuse.