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Agreeing with spouse on parenting our toddler

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by MeenLoch, Jan 3, 2012.

  1. MeenLoch

    MeenLoch Silver IL'ite

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    I have an almost 3 year old adorable and highly energetic daughter. She stays 10 hrs in daycare as I work full time. Wakes up with me a 6 30 am and sleeps early..
    My husband takes care of her by bathing, feeding and putting her to sleep while i cook and pack for next day. I am lucky to have no issues on that front. The tasks are well shared.
    The issue we have is difference in parenting styles. I am too soft to her, she doesnt listen to me. The only way I make her listen is by giving her gummy bears or hugs or toys. "Saying" alone doesnt work. I never physically hurt her.

    My husband on other hand has a military style of parenting. She fears him and just when he talks listens to him. He showers her with love, but is really tough when it comes to disciplining..

    I feel bad for the poor child as she is not with us half the day and she needs cushion atleast in the few hrs she is with us..Also since one of us is too tough , i feel tht the other (me) should be there for her..otherwise she ll get too aloof.. My husband is pressurized as he alone has to put her to sleep or discipline her every single day. She is playful with me for everything..

    I want to co-parent Dhrithi while not by being too stern with her. She is in her terrible twos - when we go out, she lies flat on grnd and cries..I try to distract..it works slowly.. As much as I get stressed about it, I wonder if hurting/ raising my voice against her will psychologically affect her..

    If I were to summarize, I like american style of parenting and he likes asian.

    Me and my husband often argue on what s the right parenting style.

    Share your opinion on this topic. How do you discipline your child.

  2. Young@heart

    Young@heart Silver IL'ite

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    I am in exactly similar situation as you. I believe it re-affirming time and again to the kids about their behaviour whereas by H believes that if the kids (i have two; son (8) and daughter (4)) donot behave, they should be deprived of priviliges like toys, playtime, tv time etc.
    I argue with H and feel that depriving them of privileges/ hitting them (thankfully not yet resorted to) will only make them behave out of fear and not instill in them the need to do so repeatedly. Whereas hammering it in their phyche little by little each day in softer tone would make wonders in the long run (my thinking). Definitely my H doesnot agree and we end up arguing and the kids continued to be disciplined by the parent present at that particular time.

    I really feel that making the kid/s do anything out of fear is a shortterm solution whereas parenting is a more longterm approach.

    Do let me know too when you find a common ground with your H.

  3. sudhakrishna

    sudhakrishna Gold IL'ite

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    Parenting is a beautiful art which cannot be learnt from outside, or from book. Our kids are our teachers. They create situation which we have to handle gently. All kids are addicted to love, affection and care, Miitary rule doesn't work out here. Though they show obedience That is not from heart. Each kids is different and unique. By this time you would have understand your child's mind. Try to make her understand the need for you going to job, and you need her help in doing things. Then she will be with you always and you can spend quality time with her. Enjoy parenting.
  4. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    Both of you should move to the middle...
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    We have had high conflicts as well.. with the difference that he's overtly doting types.. never raises voice or hand and am the one with military outlook.
    He gathers his patience by remaining out of the house (work and commute and never ending calls) and not contributing to any of the daily activities of children or house... of potty/bathing/feeding/dressing from day1... but is a spectator from a distance and pass irritation when I loose patience with kids.
    He's one of those fathers who have never tied a diaper and if you ask him to put clothes on child in winter season and the child is not cooperating.. he shall leave the child the way he/ she is without bothering about the after effects.. cos he just cant get stiff to them. But can come claiming his fatherhood on the child for slightest scratch or a fight.

    If you take up chores of your child as well on a daily basis you shall loose the grip over your patience... or job or cooking in the order of importance things have in your life. Thats the reason a lot of women quit post babies.
    Difficult kids are equally tiring.. mentally and physically... and if you dont choose to revert the frustrations caused by the exact source.. you shall pass it on to others... non deserving candidates.

    I dont believe in corporal punishments to the extent that child pees in the pants after seeing either set of parent but yes they need to learn to co-operate on a daily basis. If soft voices dont work then they have to become stern and worst case a corner and maybe last resort to spanking.

    Kids soon realise easy treatment against difficult and choose to be with the parent who will just pamper them and is not burdened with daily task... the more they get cover up from the doting parent... more they'll become a rebel. When they learn that they're not being supported unnecessarily, they learn to cooperate. The guilt factor of coushioning the child cos he/she was away for 10 hrs away from you can be later used by child as well.

    No one can change themselves.. we can just agree to disagree with the spouse.
    A lioness knows how to hold her cub with neck and put it back in den and take it to safety.... but a Lion can end up eating the same cub. If both spouse equally takes up the job of disciplining.. the intensity of struggle can be lowered... cos the child realises there's no battle left between the parents. Only this helped in my case.
    3 people like this.

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