Hi all, I am not sure whether this thread fits in here but since I am regular visitor of this forum I am posting it here.. I have been facing failures for quite sometime now without any ray of hope!!! I am a gazetted central govt employee posted in North India whereas my family resides down south. From the beginning I wasn't able to gel with my colleagues as they always treated me a outsider. Even after 10 years, I have no friends in work place. Few years back I applied for transfer but it got rejected in the last stage and left me in utter despair. During that time, I even rejected an opportunity to pursue higher studies in one of the IITs due to the extreme pressure from all sides. Marriage happened. Problems with H and MIL in the first few years drained me completely that I lost track. Domestic problems settled and a cute kid came along. We three strengthened as a family due to wonderful advice given by ILites at different points of time. Now after maternity break, I again started preparing for competitive exams, promotion interviews that I did not have much time for my child and was always a frowning person. I did get promoted in a stiff competition which is the only silver lining. I also got interview calls for PHD from IISC and IITs for my performance in the screening tests. But I still dont understand why I was not selected in 2 colleges I have given interview so far. I did my interviews good as I am from research background and have an aptitude for it These were the reasons I was given indirectly 1) I am not a regular candidate as I will be employed in my organisation and would take a leave to attend classes. Once project work starts I will return to place of work. 2) I am 30 now with BTech whereas all students who attended where around 25, young and full time residence candidate with a MTech I was so pained by my experience at IISC particularly when one professor rudely told that whatever research work I have done and told in the interview can be obtained from google as well. I had 3 international publications on that work. I was not selected there. In the IIT, the interview was so smooth. They even asked me for leaves and relieving dates and I was pretty sure of getting selected. But alas results came 2 days back and I was not selected and that has left me aghast. I have been crying for the past 2 days continuously and is with a swollen and sunk eyes. My H and daughter are my only consolations and have been by my side. In both cases, I was the only girl to reach the final level of interview. My dean yesterday told me that he assumed that I did not get an offer because I did not perform well technically. He had a high regards for me and I am considered one of the brightest employees in the institute. He behaved indifferently with me in the meeting and is no more the person he was with me. His words has further aggravated my pain. Now I have only 3 more IITs at hand and am terribly worried. Worried to the extent of suffocation..I even thought how would it feel if I jump out of my balcony that night. I know I am being stupid but I dont have any hopes for future because if I dont complete my higher studies I will not be able to move down south. This is my only route as the government psychotically reject my transfer pleas. I can quit my job as well without a back up.. My plan was to complete Phd, quit job and join some college as professor in the south. But seems like i will not even cross my first hurddle of getting an admission! My daughter has been seeing me cry all these days trying to console in all ways she could. Yesterday night she woke up at 3.00 in the night, hugged me and said Mumma dont cry, I will get you a big gift, in her sleep. I am finding it difficult to live in this prejudiced, self obsessed, empathy less community..I still dont know why I wrote this thread...May be for a hug and some kind words!
You still have 3 more to go. The fact that you landed interviews in these prestigious institutions has got to account for something. Please don't lose hope. I am sure something or the other will work out. I very firmly believe that a job (or a PhD admission in this case) will only happen when you are absolutely ready for it. So just be positive and attend the other 3 interviews with an open mind and a positive attitude. I am sure the end result will be what you desire.
Op...you are a gazetted officer with the central govt . A job with security and pension. A decent husband . A lovely daughter. Most people would call that a good life. You are a central govt employee.Being posted away from home is a part of life for central govt employee. Isn't it? You say you have not been able to make any friends in 10 years. May be it is time for you to look with in and ask why ? You have yourself given enough reason why you could have missed out.A dean who is good to you has given you a reason. So why can't you accept those reasons and work on them? It is really disheartening to read that you feel like a victim just because you are not getting choice transfer. If all govt employees start feeling that way..how will govt run. A gazzeted officer is supposed to be stronger. Why are you making your poor child suffer watching you break down just because you did not get what you wanted professionally.That is just wrong .Talk to adults,husband,parents ,cousins ,friends. Talk to a professional. Be kind to her. May be you could go see professional for your blues because these are not reasons why you should be feeling this down. Check for depression . You still have the other places you have applied for . Even if you do not get those...try again . Why feel so defeated. Our country is big . Lots of people one has to compete against . Sometimes it takes time . Have you thought about going on a vacation to your parents place ? Try that . It may make you feel better and fresh.
One simian signals "put it here". And the other one, takes the offer of a hug I thought it was hilarious. Doing a Ph.D. might involve suffering a lot more personal annoyances, disappointing behaviors of others, and much more. Temporary setbacks described in the OP, whatever be the reasons for them, are reasonable training trials. Happened to everyone who had applied for something, and suffered rejections. Like yellomango has wondered, I also wonder whether that long away prize of a professorial job in some southern city/town is worth all this anguish, and more to come.
OP, you have all that ym listed and a job where they have an onsite creche. Your other "problem" was that you were not able to walk down and visit your daughter during the day as many times as other moms were doing. Another problem was that in the new house you guys bought your husband is saying the toddler should sleep by herself in her room. From an older thread: Your family is your husband and your child. You are living with them. In a new house. You are not posted somewhere and living alone. You are spoiling your current life, taking the joy out of your current achievements, and jumping through avoidable hoops to be able to move closer to parents/in-laws. If you are living alone, and away from husband or child, and all this struggle is to join them, then, please ignore the above.
Be positive. First of all congrats for clearing those exams. Is there any other Institution that award PhD in your field of interest. IIT's and IISC are not the only place for research. You can try other institutes like TIFR , ISRO , other national level institutions or Universities etc.. Will you get leave for 5-7 years to do PhD . It is not an easy journey. Lot of ups and downs. Also the success depend on the supervisor too. I hope you know that. NEVER EVER GIVE UP attitude, patience, courage, hard work, determination, aptitude in research, knowledge, analytical & writing and communication skills etc .. are needed to complete PhD and be successful. Its not a place for very sensitive people. You will face criticisms all the way. So why are you worried about the comment of IISc professor. So develop a thick skin first. To get job as assistant professor, you may have to qualify UGC NET and in some cases state level PSc tests too. It may take over all another 5-8 years atleast to reach your destination. If you are very sensitive to failures, it is not going to be a smooth journey. So first think what exactly what you want ? A good job or new career or want to move to south. Why you want to leave current job. Its not easy to get one at that level. Is it because you dont gel with your colleagues ? You are there to work. So its good to maintain a professional relation than personal. Do your job to the best of your capabilities. Nothing else matters. Learn why you cannot mingle with them, try to work on that too. If you are staying with dh and kid, what is the need to go to South. Are you away from your parents and PILs. If you are away from them and is now with your own family, consider like you live in another country, if that helps. Count your blessings, you got supporting dh and kid. Take the feedback from you dean and try your best, if doing PhD is your passion. Last but not least, live in the present, think about your beautiful family too like others said above. Be optimistic. When door closes another one opens. If there is a will, there is a way. Learn from your failures and work hard with determination, success will surely reach you.
Thank you @yellowmango, @Rihana, @DDream, @peartree & @Amulet....Your words made me feel better. Its some inexplicable madness to go down south as am missing my family, friend very much...I have tried my best to gel with people here but I feel suffocated!! I have started some threads as well on these lines...I have been looking for a professional for quite sometime now in vain. My brother who is a doctor has promised me to take me to a good therapist...so i will grab that chance no matter what.... That night I wrote this post, i got an interview call letter from another IIT for next week. Fingers crossed....Hope to give my best. I will keep this thread updated. Thank you once again
An update: I did gave the interview and the experience was good though i did falter at some places... They were bunch of senior well behaved professors in the interview who respected me for who I am unlike IISC or the other IIT. This IIT is in my hometown itself and I felt rejuvenated being home. The results will be put by last week of this month and I am keeping my fingers crossed.. Next week another IIT has called me for interview and I will be attending that as well...I sincerely pray god to help me out to sail through this tough phase. The last of my options IIT-3 did not call this time citing reason that I denied their offer last time hence I will not be considered. I just thought what a fool I was to do that and suffer this way!
