After Baby...

That sounds like MIL trying to dominate and belittle you and disrupt your confidence as a wife and mother. It may have been because of insecurity but she was trying to dominate the home - this should not be tolerated by husband but needs the Living God - God gives protection to husband and wife through the following blessing He gave in His Word:

Genesis 2:
The Creation of Woman

21And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. 25And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

 

First of all congratulations for having a baby.
I am so sorry you are going through this that’s too at this time, all you are feeling it depends on the people we are living with. Yes I did feel the same. My mil once said directly to me. When I delivered my baby, mothers values just because of babies , those who lost their baby would be sided without care .. she meant by this that she is doing stuff not because of me but because of her grand child.. they are egoistic .. and they will be like that. Someone value you or not just learn to value yourself.. keep yourself first in your life. If you will value yourself, other will follow eventually. I have seen this change in myself.. my pregnancy and postpartum period changed me a lot.. I used to value my husband a lot always disregarding my well-being but when I needed him he was total of his folks person. Now I don’t . He knows very well why I have been changed. So now even if he dance on his mother’s tunes not in front of me. During my postpartum period if someday I gave my daughter to dh to keep for sometime he used to give her to mil and she will take to her room and fall asleep.. I was offended by this because they were at my place for 6 months and in those 6 months dh never bother to sit beside me and talk for 5 minutes.. off late he stops sleeping in our room as well. Whenever I asked him to give me my daughter they all were always offended. Who cares . Always value yourself. It’s only us who taught them to disregard us at the name of respect, at the name of acceptance at the name of adjustment at the name of politeness at the name of what not .
There is a difference between helping and overtaking. Some people have inbuilt spirit of invading boundaries. .. if you will allow they there too long it will be harder for you to take them off. Speak it up if something bothers you. Take care

 

I can totally relate to this...I don't have a solution but thought of sharing since you might feel a little better..

My MIL had started behaving very badly with me when we were not having kids..then I got pregnant and her attitude suddenly changed..and now she is taking over everything from what I should or shouldn't do in pregnancy to how to take care of my baby...I wish my husband was more firm with her or let me deal with her but that is not going to happen...I am just trying not to stress out as its not good for the baby...

 

Dont take this treatment and stress out
Take your baby and go for stroll or take the baby to bedroom or park. No one can stop you

Feed the baby BM and it’s nobody’s problem

You dont need anyone’s permission or validation. You are your own support system

 

Congrats on your baby. I think its your husband who should congratulate you or make you feel important for bring your baby to the world and all the hardships . What exactly you want from them ? Its natural to get depressed after delivery. Its lot of work. When you feed close the door and feed. Don't allow your MIL to be there. Its your baby. Let her tell whatever she want. Do what you think is right and listen to your doctor . Accept good feedback from MIL. If not, ignore. Then she gets the message. If she questions you for closing the door while feeding, just say you feel comfortable that way. Just ignore if she give other reasons.

I know my friends case, she conceived after many IVF' s and gave birth to a baby girl. But her MIL and husband made her life hell by talking all the time about lack of milk. If baby cry, they say, baby is hungry and she not giving her enough. Finally she stopped BM and started using formula. I dont understand why MIL should be present while feeding baby.Generally breast milk sets in by two weeks, in the first week there wont be much. But that's enough for baby I believe. But they made it a large issue. In your case, just ignore and do what you think is right for your baby. feed your baby as much as you want.

To keep supply, pump or feed every 2-3 hours. Keep on feeding and eat healthy and drink water. You will be OK. Its none of others problem.

You take control and run your show for baby. No need to argue or fight or disrespect. You MIL may be thinking that she is helping you. She may be unaware of your feeling. Convey to her in a respectable way what you want or not.

 

Congrats dear!!
My friend had a similar problem. Her mil was insisting on giving formula milk so that she can take care of the baby completely . Her husband also fought with her for the same stating she doesn’t have bm . He also added that he wants to go out with baby and his mother without my friend and only formula milk will help in that case.
My friend started taking lactating medicines and she made sure only bm is given to her daughter . She did have a big fight with her husband but she was adamant her daughter is her responsibility and she will not involve her mil. She stayed in her room and locked her doors always stating she had to breast feed her child and make her sleep. Her mil after a week understood she can’t control my friend.

 

Hugs dear! I felt the same after my baby too. I think our loved ones fail to realize how much hard work it is to be a newborn's mother.
Also a grand-child for many Indian parents is the high-pinnacle of their life - and shrouded by this "blessing" - they forget everything else. Quite unfortunate - that they go head over heals over the baby but forget to be respectful and caring to the mother that brought the child to life.

Here is what I see happens - they fail to see what all the mother does for the child - and only see what she doesn't. They place a lot of weight of their "decades of experience" in this world - but fail to realize the strength and power of "motherhood" too and how we can actually handle most issues as a couple if only given the chance. It's really hard for them to be objective. It is very hard for us DILs to not take this personally. :-(

I too faced criticism/discouragement for BF. I've heard words like "Your child doesn't like BM, he only likes his solids so much." "Formula is so much better because you will know exactly how much your child is eating, this is a big *problem* with breast-feeding" To someone spending hours at work pumping and staying up at night getting office work done amidst the countless feeding sessions of an all-night-nurser - these words from in-laws hurt so badly. But it gave me a lot of push to solve these "issues". I joined a FB community that was highly pro-BF and learnt lots of techniques to make my life better. I found out that many babies stop liking expressed milk at a certain age - my child was just a little sooner. I reduced pumping sessions at work, then added 2 BF sessions just before heading out the door. As soon as I knew I was going to return, I would text them not to give the last bottle - so he was hungry enough to nurse as soon as I entered home. This meant saving time at work and more bonding/BF time with baby. Yes, it felt hard to have to strategize to get time with my own baby.

As I have learnt from the wise women in this forum - the spouse is mostly not the person who can help with in-law issues. Most of us learn it the hard-way. You need a girl-friend/support system outside of "immediate-family" to hear you out and need to solve issues yourself depending on the situation.

Maybe after you've dealt with the initial anger and pain - expecting the spouse to say a few things to in-laws may work. But in the heat of the situations - confronting the spouse or in-laws only leads to painful situations.

Unfortunately, after being criticized for my parenting capabilities, my relationship with ILs is strained. I am trying to work at fixing this - but it is an uphill battle.

For their second 6-month trip, we had a full-time nanny to fully reduce any workload for them and also so I could plan the baby's schedule when I was away at work. You could try this. For example, I could tell the nanny to do a diaper change and dress change about 15 mins before she left - so that as soon as I came back home I could nurse and then head out for a walk with the kid to the neighborhood park. If not, it would take me another 30 mins or so to cajole kid for diaper and dress change for the evening - and then it would be too dark or too close to dinner time to go anywhere. This evening walk alone with baby was so critical to my sanity in those days.

The love that the child receives from the grandparent at home - rather than a day-care or a nanny is definitely a positive for the child. However I do know that if the cost for this is that the parents are unhappy or the decorum in the house is rocked - then it's not wise to do it.

~~

P.S: My breastfeeding journey has been successful after a few hiccups along the way. I am now a happy mom breastfeeding my >2 year old regularly now. (I fully believe in breast-feeding till toddlerhood - though a very traditional thing to do - it is called extended BF in the west) So please don't give up and keep at it - it is a beautiful journey and there are lots of Indian women out there to help pep, encourage and rally for you to make it work. Let me know if you need info on online communities for support

 

I felt like you were reading my mind. This is exactly how i felt with my MIL. She ruined my BF efforts. After normal delivery, my baby girl couldn't latch & due to lack of awareness i agreed to bottle feed her. That's it. MIL took full control bottle fed the baby ALL the time. I started feeling like i was needed only to bear the child. I was struggling hard to get her to latch & MIL would bottle her every time she cried irrespective of why she cried. She would pass comments like daughters are always more attached to dads & not moms. She would make faces if i bond with my girl. She literally tried to be the mother & i am like please be the grandmother you are supposed to be & let me handle my girl. But i had enough, started taking control, would have baby always with me, fed her & put her to sleep. We went thru a lot of issues with feeding & are still struggling. Baby is bottle fed, i am still working on establishing BF, pumping & feeding. Its exhausting but still hoping she ll latch soon. MIL was way too offended, we had issues, huge arguments but my DH has been my biggest strength. Now her new notation is "lets formula feed the baby so she sleeps longer". Each day i have something new to fight for & its draining. But i can tell you its so important to stand up to yourself. Defining some fine lines & not letting someone invade your space & place is very critical. Its not easy but do whats best for your lil one & your family. I initially was vert guilty of keeping the baby with me all time but trust me you can NEVER please them no matter what you do.

 

How many of you face this? is this the reality. We get a new feeling that we are moms but being ignored and being considered as outsider the baby is still their property as it belongs to their son. I get irritated over this but I know we cant change anything here.