After almost 30 years of marriage still struggling to adjust with my rude husband

sweety62 · Apr 22, 2012

Hi my married life has been very Bumpy full of insults and painful. Now at the age of almost 50 years I am now not able to cope up. I have changed a lot during these years but this man in my life is the same person what he used to be.
Due to his arrogant, over clever and aggressive nature he already has had 2 heart attacks. This is the main reason I tolerate all his injustice and nonsense.
I live like a guest in my own house. He likes all other women except me.
Never gives me a penny for the house hold running. He pays the maid, bills, get grocery what he likes, and other small salaries extra.
My kids have grown up but still he insults me in front of guests any labour working in the house kids and their girl friends. Even she comments that if she marry my son then his dad will have the same attitude towards her as well.
I am a very helpless person with injured heart.
This is the first place where I has mentioned my feelings openly. I have never discussed these things with any relative or friend because there is nothing that anybody can do now. My egoist husband will never listen to them, and as he is heart patient no one will argue with him.
Seema

Megalife · Apr 22, 2012

Dear Seema
At least for your childrens sake I am happy you stayed in the marriage, but a "Big Time" sacrifice indeed!
I do not know what to say....30 yrs is a long time and a long story! Telling you to try and change him is stupid, for at this point in life he is surely going to act even more stubborn.....and you say you have already changed a lot over the years...so again you cannot obviously stretch further.
But with the coming in of your DIls, I can see that the situation might improve, for nobody is going to put up with his attitude, all you have to do is extend a hand of support to your DILs and hope for the best!
Wishing you a lot of happiness in yrs. ahead.
Mega

kAlyaniShAnti · Apr 22, 2012

Dear Sweety,
my sincere prayers and wishes for you. What you have been putting up with, all alone and without sharing with anyone needs endless patience and strong heart. Now that your children are grown up, it is your call to decide what you want to do with this situation.

We are always hear to hear if you want to pour out your heart. Please do take care. Love Dear

sweety62 · Apr 22, 2012

Dear Mega and KalyaniShanti, thanks for you time to read my life and very mature response. At this time I feel that I have some friend their who care and understand me.
Though at one time I was very self respecting and very privacy conscious person, but now after going through all these episodes of different issues now I like to express my thoughts at this forum with friends like you.
Thanks once again for your wishes
Seema

MKhan · Apr 22, 2012

i will suggest that live happily by not depressing yourself on the negative sides of your husband...JUST THINK ABOUT THE POSITIVE SIDES OF YOUR HUSBAND and enjoy those only...and adjust with justice on the negative sides..but dont make yourself depressed etc...i will prefer you to do yoga to make yourself happy all the time etc.. best of luck...

flowerlady · Apr 22, 2012

Dear OP,
Don't worry things will turn better if you raise your voice. A person gets a heart attack due to bad life style and clogged arteries and not due to anything else.Its not filmy at all.
People will say a lot of things, they can say that he got his previous heart attacks because of you!
Now you can tell him to take life easy and hand over the household running to you so that he can relax.Say it in front of family and friends to show concern and all will say that you are a good wife.
Tell him to stop worrying and getting angry or he will have another heart attack.
Why you remained so obedient and docile is a mystery. Try and make a life for yourself and let your H alone , look after his needs thats all. Soon he will feel lonely and will miss you. But you must stop mothering him.
You have lead a tough life but you should have been more vocal about it earlier.
You too must be having some health problems at this age , take it easy and stop trying to please H. He may change when he realises that he needs you.

sweety62 · Apr 22, 2012

Dear Flowerlady, thanks for all your concerns and suggestions. Believe me all this is not so easy. I did try explaining him that I am and will be more your confident then other outsiders. Husband and wife are the most well wishers then any other outsider. But he feels I need him more and he will never need me ever.
** He is a person who has not changed through life. I tolerated because of my kids, as they would have suffered had we had divorced. They were in top good school good comfertable life without any sadness. and my life passed by upbringing them. Their activities and studies were things that Kept me busy. Also he used to make me feel so guilty of every thing I did including cooking.
**He never tells me his savings and I have no idea where he keeps his money.*
** * * I now feel very helpless and lonely at this stage of life.
Seema

hemalathaK · Apr 23, 2012

Hi seema, reading your post makes me feel very sad for you.You must be a great soul with lots of patience.

I don't know what else to say.I pray God to give you peace Atleast in the rest of your life.

sweety100 · Apr 23, 2012

Hi Seema
I am sorry to her about the way you have been suffering from last so many years.
Seema, your son should be in his 20's. Is he fine with the way his dad behaves with you. Now that he is an adult, I am sure if your son shouts back at him when you husband abuses you, I am sure your husband wont dare to open his mouth for next few days. Being sick is never a reason to abuse other person.

Your husband might be feeling that you are financially dependent on him and he takes you for granted. next time he insults you in front of anyone, tell him to mind his language. He might feel offended but be strong and tell him that you wont take this nonsense now. If you are in US, he should very well be knowing about the laws in US about domestic violence so you dont have to worry about things getting worst.
Stop taking care of him. If the food is ready, just tell him that food is ready and go back to your room and rest instead of serving him and sitting in front of him. he needs to know that he is dependent on you.

Its going to be tough but please be strong. Please take care of yourself. If you live in so much stress and mental pressure, you will harm your health only.