After 2.5 Years & Still The Same

I have not been part of IL for 2 years. I lost my password & just stopped coming. I finally fixed password & read few of my old post, mostly around the time I got married, but one of my old thread caught my eyes. It was about "best practice in living with in-laws". I would like to share with everyone the journey I been on last 2.5 years since that post. My attitude has changed from "I will try my best to make this work" to "how can I best take advantage of this set up". I know it is bad but it is what it is. I apologize for the long post

I was never suppose to be in joint family, hubby was looking for apt. But his extended family suggested we stay for little longer, till after wedding. I knew the danger of agreeing to this set up even for short time. I knew there was a chance it could turn into long term set up but I went with it. It wasn't his parents, its his 20+ yr older to him brother (almost father figure) & bhabi + kids figure it won't be too bad.

I spent first few months trying to make it work. I pitched in around the house, I gave as much as I could until I got tired & realize "this is crap, I didn't ask for this". So I got mad & schedule lots of "me time" activities until I felt selfish for not doing anything around the house & went back to giving. I tried helping during weekend but lot of activity/parties/visit to my parents house was on weekends. I tried my best for first year on and off.

After 4 months, when I saw my husband make no effort on moving out, I decided to take action on my hand. I started searching for house with help of my brother. I had down payment for house, I got loan & I scheduled showing every week. My husband reluctantly joined to see house, always had negative comments or unrealistic expectation. He just did not seem ready to move. Our first & biggest fight was over house: the location, house size, style we disagreed on everything. After almost 5 month of search, I finally found a house we both could agree on. I got the house & then the tougher question came. ARE WE MOVING TO THIS HOUSE or WILL WE RENT IT OUT? & it broke my heart when his extended family asked "WILL ALL OF YOU MOVE TO THE NEW HOUSE"?. That was my house with my money & I was not going to take his entire clan in. No thank you, I was prepared to rent it out. Half way into our house search I knew he would not move, that is when finding house became an obsession for me. I needed to let my inlaws know, let everyone know, that we were not living in my BIL's attic because we are broke or because we need their help. We are living because of some weird family set up that to this day does not make sense to me. I know his mother from back home asked him to stay a while longer until his nephews are older. His bhabi was pregnant with her 4th at the time. I asked him what does "little older mean" & what if they have another 2, you gonan wait till they get older?

I was mad at him but I also saw the writing on way. I eventually rented out my beautiful house & accepted life in attic for bit longer. His brother went back home for 3 months last December while we housesat & the plan was after this we will move out. Even he said it but I gave up hope on him. I told him, I did all the work once and you backed out. Now its your turn to do work, let me know when/where. Until then, don't expect me to contribute in this house. I am a guest & I will live like one. Now I schedule vacation every few months, attending parties often & basically staying out of house as much as possible. I only focus on cleaning my area & eat out or pre-prepped food mostly (yogurt/granola). Every time I feel bad, I think "how can I take advantage of this situation" & I plan outing with friends. It is almost like I am single. I am done being nice, wonder when rest of the family will realize I not worth keeping around them & tell him to move out

It has not been a horrible situation. My inlaws are nice, no one expects anything from me, well not that they told me. I try to keep minimal foot print in the house & I still help when needed but try not to be regular That's my life 3 months of adjustment turned into 3 years.

Best Practice in living with In-laws (bhabi/bro)