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Advise On Issues With Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ruby2019, Jun 15, 2019.

  1. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    Please walk out OP...u wasted too much time already. My cousin walked out early on into her marriage citing the same reason...she is happily remarried now with a kid..and she is from a conservative family
     
    yellowmango likes this.
  2. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, all I can say is follow your mind.

    Option 1 : If your mind is not in this marriage, get out of this relationship as fast as possible. If you stay you will be wasting your precious prime years ( you might have already read similar post here waiting >10 yrs and going for divorce ) and chances of getting another good marriage. If you cannot find a solution after these much struggle, I doubt you will be successful and repent your decision of staying . Are you working or financially independent? If so, move away to another location and proceed. Talk to your dh about your decision. Other family members oppose you to save their face. For them their fake face in front of society is important than your happiness. You are still young and have a long way to go. If you stay ,you will never get another chance. Its better to be single than being in a fake marriage. More you stay, it will become tough to get out.

    Option 2 : To accept it and go for ivf or other options to produce babies(its not easy, why you need to suffer for his problem?). Do you really love him and is connected emotionally to him to give this chance. Is he fertile ? If not, then !!!? adopt-are you ready for that. If he is willing he can still fix ED issues with medical procedures (medicines/ surgery/alternative methods? explore google can help) I believe and also can satisfy you sexually through other methods. If he is willing he can meet your emotional needs too. But if you fight for it he may go back to his shell and will not try. In this case you have to gain his confidence and make him very comfortable with you. Only then he open up. Are you ready for that? I suggest you to have a discussion with him in cool, composed and loving way and reach a solution.

    From your post I guess you have tried everything. I think he was aware of his issue and he cheated you in to this marriage. Its not his fault that he has this issue .He should have fixed it before marrying anyone. If not, one should not spoil other life through marriage. You may find many posts (check married life forum) of ladies in asexual marriage who went for ivf to produce babies. After having kids, they are stuck and want to get out (even though dh is good father/ provider etc, they will be super nice to cover it up). But still not able to do. They are so negative and became bitter persons due to the resentment towards husband and is still confused whether to go for divorce or not. It take immense mental strength to cover the life time disappointment for sure and be happy. Are you ready to live like a room mate ? But it will be like in hell. Its not a solution. Do you want life time torture (life sentence)?

    Both options need more effort and courage from your side.

    What you have to ask yourself- Do you want to live your life for others or for you. No one is going to understand your pain or suffering. I think by the end of the day everyone want peace and happiness. Will staying in this marriage give you those? Everyone have only one life. Ask yourself what you want, I am sure you get an answer. Follow your mind. Whatever it is accept it 100% and not look back. Comparing your life with others will not help.

    Be strong and positive.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2019
  3. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Few other points which came to my mind seeing your reply:
    1) I'm not sure if you have checked his fertity like sperm count and other mandatory tests for checking a man's fertility. . Like you mentioned if there is no masturbation it's likely that you haven't got them checked.
    2) for every man his fertility is a question of his pride. (I don't endorse that attitude but most men are like that ) . So he going back to his closet is a very emotional thing for him and is something most men would do because they cannot express it outside how it feels to have ED for the fear of the "everybody" you are mentioning in your post would judge him and his ability to have a kid.
    3) holding that kid in his hand maybe gives a momentary joy to him which is vv natural. Who doesn't get attracted to a small kid. Should he be reminded "hey where is your kid ? Have you put efforts to bring one to this world? You can't cuddle one unless you decide to have a kid ". I understand your feelings here . But fearing others judgement here you are only ruining your happiness.
    4) if you have weighed your pros and cons of this life with him and got a feeling no it's not possible to be with him then take that first step of moving on from this . As I feel you have given every possibility a chance and thoughts like "am I cheating myself? " is a difficult question to answer.
    So be courageous and take a decision which will make you feel not guilty/not regret.

    Lastly remove this everybody from picture. They have not gone through what you are going through. So if others are judging you in being unreasonable or questioning why you did not plan a kid or question your decision on moving on do not get affected by it. Take an informed decision which would benefit you on a long run. The struggle is real with living with him / leaving him. If you are confident you can see the light at the end of the tunnel then go for it.
    Either way take a decision for yourself keeping all this challenges in mind. :)
     
  4. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Your post was heart breaking. You have so much passion and love for life, why are you even stuck with this guy ?
    the basis of marriage is love, sex and companionship. Looks like your DH is not providing any of this. Then whats the point of sticking around. Why you feel guilty of leaving him, he is not even making proper efforts to be a husband. Leaving a loving husband when he has cancer is terrible but leaving a negligent husband who doesnt care for his wife is totally OK.

    You dont have kids which is a blessing, so file divorce and move out. These ED issues are very frustrating and Indian men are very shy and resistant to deal with it. You will be banging your head against the wall if you go down this lane.

    Pls save your life and have a great marriage and kids. goodluck.
     
    yellowmango likes this.
  5. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 New IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your replies. Makes me cry reading all of the replies.

    He went to the doctor again this week and the doctor told him to use his medication again and that this should work because it’s extremely strong. I’ve not been talking to him properly for 2 weeks. He just tells him he loves me and not to leave him. I feel like he is just being lazy as this is convenient. He explained to me that he does not want to have this issue and he feels like horrible as well and hopes to have my support.

    I feel like every single thing that happens, I keep tying it back to this problem. I use such horrible words at him and even have hit him on so many occasions - like hitting his hand and all.

    I feel so so so horrible. Like this is bringing the worse out of me. I hate the person I am right now. He swears that he didn’t know about this issue before marriage and the doctor says he’s probably very stressed and worried so he can’t perform. Makes me feel like I’m the reason for his lack of performance
     
  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Hitting your husband for his ED issues is not fair at all. You have two choices, either work with him patiently through this ( assuming he is also working to take care of this issue) OR Leave him.
    The pressure you put on him might be detrimental to the results you want to achieve.
    If you think he is not putting enough efforts and this whole experience is bringing out the worst in you, pull the plug on this marriage. Better for both of you in the long run.
    Hope the friends wife and him are not texting everyday anymore !
     
  7. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    The situation seems very intense. Why don’t you take a vacation ? Preferably alone, so that both of you are away from each other n calm down a bit.

    Try setting a time line, like 6 months or so, within this time,
    he tries his best to fix the problem, no lazing around, but 100%
    N you try to be calm, your anger maybe justified but it’s still wrong to verbally or physically abuse another person.
    Leave the place when your anger gets out of control.
    You either talk nice or don’t talk at all.
    During this timeline it’s 100% commitment n support from each other to each other.

    Imagine if it’s your sister or a best friend who’s going through the same problem as your husband, support him just as you would support them. Separate your baggage away from him just for this timeline n keep him calm. Stressing yourself n esp him definitely isn’t gona help here.

    Take more breaks / vacations as you want but ensure no more fighting. Your only focus should be the “issue” n fixing it not taking out anger on husband. Because only that’ll help you in the future. Your outbursts is only going to make you a bitter person, scare your husband even more, due to which the issue may not get fixed so your problem will still exist. So make a choice here, is your anger important (temporary) or fixing the issue (permanent) ?

    N if after the timeline, you still see no or very little difference, then take a final decision about marriage n stick to that. Use the time in between to make yourself a better person again, so that you will be a good wife if you stay in the marriage or if you don’t stay, you will have a stable life outside of the marriage.
     
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  8. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Op your anger is valid. Not having a sex life can be a horrible feeling. But hitting him is not justified in any sense.

    As I mentioned for men to have ED is a very difficult situation to be in. He needs your empathy but looks like you are not in a position to empathize with him.

    In that case be strong and take the first step in moving on from This . He maybe emotional here and telling you not to leave him. But it's your choice isn't it. ? If something is not giving you happiness, it's making you frustrated ,making you get angry then better to be away from all this and start afresh.

    There's no partial acceptance in your case. It's either you accept him totally or you leave him without having hard feelings.

    If you can't take a decision immediately there's no hurry. Take a break from all thoughts . Go on vacation, refresh yourself . Come back to start thinking over again.

    Society sets a lot of standards. By 30 you should be married. By 35 you should have kids etc etc. But if something doesn't happen as per societal standards are we failures in life. ??
    Ask yourself this question. By spending some time by yourself in your own company you will be able to figure out what you want.
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op please do not have a child in this marriage which has so much hopelessness,anger ,anguish and sadness.

    A child will not complete your marriage .A child is no substitute for a sexual partner.
    You will become a bitter angrier person.
    Your marriage is not right either by law or religion .
    It is not a marriage.
    A marriage includes sex . Period .

    If you stay in this marriage and have a child through other means,you will be trapped for life.
    Once you concieve,your helpless husband may no longer stay this nice.

    As for your mother....she has no business telling you to stay in a sexless marriage.She is pretty insensitive .Do not let her guilt you into staying in the marriage .She only cares about who people are blaming .

    You have already wasted a lot of time .

    Talk to your husband and go for an annulment with as little mud slinging as possible.
    Try to move to a place away from your mother and other family .

    This marriage is not fair to both of you .
    Be kind to yourself and your husband.
    In the long run ....a new start is best.
     
    Positivity02 and minn1 like this.
  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP , your feelings are natural. But abusing anyone is a big NO. Not acceptable. I am surprised by his attitude. He may behave like this as the problem is with him. He may go for treatment and may help you to conceive. After that I doubt whether he will be patient enough to take abuse like this.

    What if he stops having any intimacy after you get pregnant?. Do you believe he is going to treat ED life long and provide you all sexual satisfaction. I doubt..Are you ready to quit marriage after having a kid if the same issue prevails.

    You are in a very bad shape emotionally. You need a break. Calm down. Think in a very mature way. You can go for counseling if you need to vent. But all these are not going to help your married life. If you can face the fear of unknown, it's better to get out of this marriage as early you can. If you stay, you get old, your prime years will be gone, your chances of getting another good marriage life go down, as you are staying in traditional society. So take a decision if you want to stay or leave.

    But if you stay , you need to completely gave up your expectations from husband. Fighting this way is not going to help ED issue or your marriage or your life.
     
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