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Advise On Issues With Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ruby2019, Jun 15, 2019.

  1. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello everyone,


    I’ve been reading through tons of threads in the past few weeks to find some solace and just some advice which I need so badly before I go crazy out here.


    Firstly, I’m shocked at how many woman have been in similar situations but have daringly stepped away from their problems.


    I’ve been married for 3.5 years with someone I knew for 6 hours before marriage. As like every woman, I stepped into marriage life with lots of dreams. There came the Erectile dysfunctional problem from my Husband. Tried viagara but to no avail. It became downhill from there. Till date, we have not successfully consummated our marriage. My Husband became very withdrawn because of this. We would all be happy and talk to one another but when he avoided this like the plague. He would tell me every weekend that we can try at night but would just watch a movie till midnight and go to sleep without telling me anything. Made Doctors appointment but would intentionally miss the appointments. Would not be truthful to me about it. I found out last year that he was following 500 scantily dressed Instagram models. I was devastated. He didn’t like to show any pda in public, just kisses me, but doesn’t get turned on by me at all.


    This was the root cause of every issue we had. Every small thing that happened and I wasn’t happy about, I would talk about how his issue was hurting my life and that he destroyed my hopes and wishes.

    Kept reminding him of his weakness. Doctor advised to lose some weight but he gained so much in the few years. I was so so so angry at what he did with my life. I was angry when he watched tv and ignore my feelings. I was angry that he didn’t exercise. I was angry that he didn’t want to improve himself. I was angry at everything. I became so violent with him. He did at me a few times too when I was going crazy. I kept thinking in my head that he deserved to suffer cause he made me suffer. I had no emotional support at all as he barely wanted to talk about this or us or our future.


    During this time my Sister got married after me and got pregnant immediately and had a kid. You can imagine how much this broke me. Each time I saw her pregnant, I knew it should have been me. My mum is a single parent and did everything for us after she got divorced in her 40s. My mum spend all her time and attention on my Sister and her baby. I know it sounds so childish but I was so hurt. I felt completely alone. My Husband didn’t understand why I was so upset. I cried every single night before sleeping and my husband would just sleep thinking I’m making an issue and crying all the time. I avoided him. Stayed at work till 11pm and then went home. Went out all alone each day after work and only went back after 11pm so I did not have to see his face. Slept in separate rooms for a few weeks. Didn’t talk to anyone. I kept telling him I wanted a divorce and told him to tell his parents about his problem. Like every Indian parent of a guy, his dad said it’s not a big deal and mum completely ignored the issue. That woman did not even once talk to me about it, up till today. She and her daughters gave me so much of problem before that and this was the last straw for me to totally disrespect her.


    He knew I was doing myself harm by behaving this way. So he went to tell my mum about his problem. My mum didn’t want to talk to me about it directly and instead asked my close aunt to talk to me. I poured everything out from my heart, in that one night. Only when i spoke it all out, did I realise how much I was keeping inside me. Then I packed my things and went to my mum house for 2 weeks and she finally spoke to me about it. Telling me it’s not a big issue and a lot of men in their 40s will have this issue. Btw, I’m 31 and hubby is 36 now. She compared it to walking out on a Husband who suddenly has cancer or some terminal illness. Said that this is just an illness and I have to deal with it and encouraged me to give it another chance. As someone in another thread mentioned, the pain of being in a sexless marriage in your prime really cannot be understood by anyone other than people going through this.


    I gave another chance. He did make a lot of changes to be like how I expected. I controlled my temper too. We have our good days and bad days where I go into my dark hole again. But the sex has never happened. He doesn’t run away from it anymore but all the medicines are not helping. I feel like it’s not a psychological problem now. He can’t get aroused at all. It’s just so disappointing when we try and each time I just end up crying. We’ve only tried less than 10 times in this 3.5 years. I keep asking him if his gay, asexual or had some bad sexual assaults before which he keeps denying. If he is not keen to help himself, there is nothing I can do.


    My Sister is pregnant again and I’m going through all the pain again. I was crying so badly when I found out and my mum said I’m exaggerating, it’s better to live without kids and I should be Glad that my Husband has a problem and not me. She said no one will blame me but everyone will pity me. It’s not that I even need that! She don’t understand my pain having to hold my Sisters kids in my hands and hoping it would have been mine. She just undermines the whole situation and my pain! She announced her pregnancy and knew I’ve waiting for a child but never even sent me a comforting text but wanted everyone to be happy for her. My mum said she will have to tell my Sister about my hubby problem if I expect her to console me. It was her words that’s pierced me more than my situation.


    Due to my SIL language being used on me, my mum once went to talk to my IL and told them that I won’t go to a place here I am no longer respected. My Husband Also has stopped talking to his sisters completely. Now whenever I want to step out of this, I feel so guilty that he lost everyone because of me. I feel like our long term goals are also not in sync.


    Recently I also saw him texting his best friends Wife daily. There was nothing wrong in the content but he kept asking things like how are the kids? Have you eaten? What are your plans? Every single day.

    I told him to stop it and he said he will but he didn’t. He said he did nothing wrong so didn’t stop immediately. Only stopped when I found out the 2nd time that he was continuing.


    I’m really torn and broken now. Recently when the medicine didn’t work again, I felt so heartbroken and feel like giving up. I appreciate that he is seeing the doctor now but all the past incidents is just throwing me away. I wish I walked out a year ago when he was not doing anything about it. I feel like he should be taking this more seriously. All his promises to me about taking control of his weight and health have just been broken countless times over the years. I wish I never ever got married. And I really need some sexual intimacy in my life. Sometimes I even dream that I have sex with others cause I feel so deprived!


    As much as I don’t think it’s right for a men to leave a women when she can’t get pregnant, I know it’s not right to leave a partner for not being able to make me pregnant. But this?!!!! Why can’t he see this as a priority and put in effort. I feel so alone and miserable in this journey, full of pain.


    I’m reading about so many woman in similar situations and it’s so so so sad. So many have stepped out within a few months. I should have done that too instead of worrying what the entire world will say, tying to protect my husband reputation but only to end up in pain and heartbroken.


    I would please appreciate some feedback and advice. Should I walk out now? Be there for further medical treatment? Or just wait and wait???? Has anyone had any positive outcome from similar situations?
     
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  2. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Finest Post Winner

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    Getting out of this lifeless marriage will be the best for you. I think u have done everything possible to make the marriage work. But the trouble seems more from ur H's end. And rather than wasting ny more time in a lifeless and love-less marriage just move on. This world and society will judge u regardless. And if u keep trying to please the world u'l never be happy. Ur still young, dont waste any more time. Stand up for urself and move on.
     
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  3. Positivity02

    Positivity02 Silver IL'ite

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    Your husband's behavior seems really shady. Looks like he was well aware of his issues before marriage but still got married cheating you in a way.
    If you continue to stay in this marriage, all that will be left after some more years is lot of anger and regret. Why do you want to do that to yourself?
    No outsider can understand the pain of sexless marriage and lack of possibility of a child unless it happens to themselves. So ignore them & don't get yourself in guilt trap.
    Get away from this guy and start to live for your well-being and happiness.
     
  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    You are 32 yrs young, so you still have an opportunity to experience a normal married life and motherhood. Don’t waste a single minute on this man and the sham of a marriage. The resentment for lack of intimacy will get worse as time goes on.
    Why would your husband text his friends wife everyday ? Are you sure there is nothing going on besides this weird texting ? Is the friends wife also responding everyday ?
     
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  5. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    OP I feel for you very much. You are suffering for no fault of yours . Some suggestions for you here. Work on whichever best suits for you.

    1) I'm not sure why the medicines aren't working for him. Does he masturbate ?sorry to ask this question so directly . You can choose to ignore .

    2) sometimes one may not prioritize sex in their life but they will have excellent connection and bonding. Such couple go on to be power couple and be with each other till the end without kids or choose to adopt. Do you think without sex /without kids/with adoption you will be happy being in his company till the end?
    From what you have written it looks like this is not your case. But I'm still writing this in my suggestion so that you can still think about it.

    3) Erectile dysfunction doesn't mean one has low sperm count or unhealthy sperms. With treatment like ivf one can get pregnant. But this will not give you the satisfaction of having sex with him. Again go for this option if and only you feel "yes I'm ready to be with this man in spite of his drawbacks ". If he's a good provider/good friend/understands you and your needs/is financially set and you both have good bonding then this option will work.

    4) Lastly if none of it works moving on in life would be an option. It may take time for divorce . Then finding love again and having a kid. But be ready for it if you are determined that this marriage will not at all work.

    Finally I want to say I know how it would feel to see that younger sister getting pregnant.
    I have been in that situation and it's okay to cry. There's nothing wrong.
    But remember your battle belongs to you. Do not let others happy moments affect you or your happiness. Be strong and fight your battle. What mummy or aunty say would just be their opinion. Do not get affected by it .You think through it and decide doing this would be the best for me.

    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2019
  6. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    In my opinion, you have taken a lot of effort to make this marriage work. I think your dissatisfaction is valid, especially when there is no actual progress. It seems like a part of you still wants to see if there is any way to fix things. That uncertainty makes it hard for you to make any real movement.

    Well, let’s take it objectively. Despite what your mother and society says about age (somehow, they like to round up age...to prove their point), you are young and have no obligation to stay in an unfulfilling marriage. To make matters worse (or better), the lack of children makes your unhappiness more static- since sex doesn’t even seem like a real possibility at this point. Technically an unconsummated marriage is grounds for an annulment. Just because a person has taken effort to fix things, your marriage remains unconsummated.

    So, what keeps you married? Do you emotionally connect with your husband? Do you feel like he is your other half? Do you have open communication with him?

    If there are positives in the above set of questions, then think about what solutions you two are willing to consider to start a family? Are you both willing to go through fertility treatments? Or adopt a child?

    If you are unable to connect with your husband emotionally, as well as sexually...your best option is to leave the marriage. You will find a partner that will complement you and give you the family that you desire. I’m sure you know it’s not easy to make a decision like this. It will definitely be imbued with guilt and feeling like you are selfish for wanting more than you have. Time will not improve your relationship...it will just continue in this negativity, until you both are too invested to leave.

    In the end, follow YOUR heart and what you need for your life. No one else will take care of your interests, but yourself. Even if you decide to stay another year to give this marriage a chance, there is nothing wrong about that. Take care!
     
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  7. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    I was in a similar marriage for a really long time and then left that . I dont regret that even for a second , I have more peace of mind than ever before . Your mother doesn't understand the situation clearly, she is trying to be safe. but you have nothing to loose and everything to gain if you decide to step out .. posting a link to my thread where this topic has been discussed extensively .
    Losing It Completely .
     
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  8. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Shreema86,

    I am so Glad to see your response and thank you for that. I’ve been reading up on IL a lot and did read your thread and a lot of responses to people with similar issues before. When I read your post, it did strike a cord with me as our situations are very similar. They truly cared about us but when it came to sex, just have so much issues. I think it was your posts that made me feel that it’s okay to step out. Esp the part where you said your ex moved on quickly. Here I am worried about how my husband’s life might be but he might move on sooner than me eventually...

    I need to straighten out my thoughts.
     
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  9. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Silver IL'ite

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    I know they are all good friends so he feels that there is nothing wrong to text eveyday. But I cannot understand - if there is nothing conversational, why text each other every day? And that woman also replies everyday to him. There was a period of time that I would be so mad at him and not reply to any texts but he would continue to message her.

    You are right, the lack of intimacy is getting worse. I’ll be okay for a while and then suddenly think about this and get so angry and hate him...
     
  10. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Silver IL'ite

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    You know, we can hug and kiss a lot and have a lot of touches but he just can’t hold an erection. The doctor has given him so many different types of medicines but it’s all not making any difference. Even got a jab and that didn’t even help him get an erection. At the beginning, he was behaving like a kid not knowing what to do during Sec also. I mean, who behaves this way at 36?! When it comes to sex, he behaves so differently and shy. Like as though he is afraid. He prefers to say making love and finds it awkward to say sex.

    When we fight about these issues, he suggested toys to satisfy myself Which I am willing to try but am afraid that with that, he can’t be bothered anyone.

    I keep thinking that we are okay in other areas but I wonder if I’m cheating Myself. I knew him when I was 21 and had different vision. After that my career went well and becoming aggressive and he’s the type that as long as we can live today, it’s fine. Everyone I know keeps telling me what a great guy he is, it’s as though I’m the one being unreasonable.

    I admit I’ve been mean in this relationship too but I’m making efforts to and have reduced and become a better person. Admittedly, he has also made efforts in the last few months to avoid issues which we always quarrel about. I feel like this problem is not really within his control but still within his control - you get what I mean?

    I’ve also asked the question about masturbation but I don’t get proper answers. He claims he masturbates then claims that he don’t. I don’t know! So he can masturbate but can’t get aroused with me??!

    My family keeps telling me to just go for ivf and other options here. But what if I’m the one who is forcing him for this and this is not what he wants? Before marriage he kept telling me he wanted a kid but now he’s behaving this way. Makes me so angry when we go somewhere and he simply gets along so well with the little kids. Makes me feel like you are the one who can’t make me pregnant but go around showing eveyone how much you love kids. Makes me feel like everyone is only going to think I’m the one who does not want to have kids!!
     

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