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Advice On Mil Problem

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Deol7777, Aug 20, 2019.

  1. Deol7777

    Deol7777 New IL'ite

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    I am working as I have no leave left . I did not drop . My hus helped me with dropping
     
  2. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    You have option to either complicate this further or communicate to her your needs . If she does it good otherwise you can do on your own. WFH is not easily understood by own mom. So just communicate and take whatever help she offers. Maybe she is clueless on how to help you. Since she is willing to do for your husband your husband could have communicated to her to make lunch for him too. Better to involve your husband
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You went down at 1, she asked you at 1. Could she have asked you earlier? Is she allowed to come up and disturb you with such questions when you are WFH? If she has asked, you would say she disturbed you.

    When the lady of the house is sick, and the household's routine is modified, most husbands need clear and crisp instructions on what to do, by when. So do their mothers. A simple "yes" to her rice question would be easier for all. Even if she was sarcastic, ignore it. As long as ridge gourd curry and veggies get cooked and rice also... the rest is trivial when one or more people are sick in the house.

    I have found when I am sick, texting instructions to the family group works wonders. Husband gets told what to bring on the way home (which Tylenol, which NyQuil (not DayQuil)). Kids are reminded of their to-do's and that nagging/reminder service will not be available from mommy.

    Sorry, but does look like you are keen to find fault with MIL's efforts. Not saying that she is perfect.
     
  4. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    [/QUOTE]
    Which MIL doesn't feel this?
    When I was sick my MIL said the maid I'm acting and that stupid maid came and told me when I was resting in my bedroom . :facepalm:
    What can I do other than ignoring. Just to show my MIL I'm sick I can't pretend to be more sick. I don't know the level of being sick in her scale. I was sick and needed rest and didn't come out from my bedroom. That's it.
    Did she offer me food? Yes she did,sometimes. But not always. When she has offered even I have felt the sarcasm but that is the time one has to swallow the ego deep into the stomach and not "feel/assume" anything but take what comes in our way. At least they did that. Isn't it?

    With 20 years into marriage your MIL will be in her 70s?
    In this age what else you expect from her? She's just keeping herself occupied in ways she feels is the best . And it's just time pass for them and to while away her time . And I'll tell these people see all that religious stuff but never adopt and if their base character is being tough and they continue to do that and never change . :)

    This is not very encouraging I know but ultimately it comes down to the point that we DILs should ignore them and not take their actions seriously. That's not for their gain but for our own good..
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...I feel your mil asked you and you refused.
    You and your mil are not close.
    She probably doesn't even know how ill you are.
    She offered help and you refused.
    Infact in this incidence,your behavior was a bit passive aggressive because it did not match with what you were feeling.May it was the fever ....

    Your husband could not even pack the precooked food you had made and went without eating.
    He should be the one getting up and making lunch for you before going .
    You should be making a thread for that.

    Why do we let the men away so easily but nitpick about the women?....this goes for all ,mil ,dil sil ...everyone.

    Call up your husband and ask him to arrange for dinner .

    Hope the fever goes down soon .
    Get well soon op.
     
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  6. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    So OP, husband ate out. You made sandwich for yourself. What did MIL eat? Did you or your husband even ask if she ate?

    I just read your first OP again and as far as I can see, all she does is make "indirect" references to you... stuff that she might be saying randomly that you perceive as somehow being directed at you. After 20 years of marriage, even if she was making direct references to you, should you not be adept enough at ignoring these? Also, confronting her on things she said since marriage, you had all that bottled up for 20 years... how unhealthy is that for you??!! She probably said it in passing and forgot about it. But you kept stewing in all this negativity for 20 long years and have grown such resentment for your MIL.

    Also, she is praising you to the other DIL and praising her to you. Why don't you take it at facevalue that she is just saying nice things about someone else. Unless she makes direct comparisons that she is better than you, what is the problem in just giving her a nod and move on? Are you and co-sis jealous of each other that you guys are being praised to the other? And she is not badmouthing you to outsiders. So what is the problem here?

    What is wrong with her doing her Pooja? And is she stopping you guys from going out? I feel like your MIL might be depressed. According to her, she is saying nice things about you, but what she still gets is everything she does/said wrong several decades ago. I can imagine why she does not want to go out with you all. Cut her some slack, OP. She is old.

    Also, more than your MIL, it is your BIL and husband that should take the blame. Your BIL for being flaky and not using his brain to think independently and getting carried away by whatever MIL says and your husband for giving you the impression that he is this very nice husband!
     
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  7. Deol7777

    Deol7777 New IL'ite

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    I think you got wrong . I made for kids and he packed and helped with drop off . For himself he said he will eat out and I don’t have to make which I feel is ok.

    Dinner : he came back and cooked for me saying eating out is not healthy when having fever. So I did not feel anything wrong with that.

    He asked me to come down for dinner. When I am eating she is saying to him “ why did you do? Men are not used to doing..we used to cook regardless how we feel in our days”.

    With these many years facing her I know whether she really want to cook for me or not.

    Anyways if you feel I am wrong . That’s fine . I will be Better next time.
     
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  8. Deol7777

    Deol7777 New IL'ite

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    I see that she is not interested in cooking . I asked her to eat with yesterday’s curry by keeping rice. That’s when she Asked should I keep for you which I felt odd . So I rejected.

    Regarding negativity - if you face a person who indirectly makes comments on you daily via phone call or when she is with you and if you are in my shoes you will understand the pain. It’s easy to say ignore and I tried to do that for 20 years. I finally gave up as I don’t have energy to take indirect references anymore.

    Regarding cosister - if MIL is a good person why can’t she praise things she likes near me and near her the things she likes with her. Example- I keep my house clean. Not even 1 day she appreciates that i keep house clean. My co sis has 2 boys and their house is little messy than ours. She goes near her and says “ you know your cosis keeps her house very clean”? What does that mean? Is she indirectly not hurting her. She does the same to me. She picks a point that I may be not doing well compared to my cosis and makes indirect reference to me. I personally if you are honest, you should just be able to appreciate me in front of me. Not near cosis. Becos we share about MIL we now know how she praises one near other but not to them directly. There is no jealousy factor and this sharing helped us understand how she deals with DIL.


    Regarding BIL and my husband - I don’t care about my BIL but for my perspective my husband is always good. Supports me and takes care of me if I am not feeling well. Even yesterday when he is taking care of kids after returning from home. . She is talking about some neighbor back in India who does lot of patni seva. He himself was offended at his mothers act and cooked without taking her help.I don’t know if you are modest enough to ignore and move on . For me these references hurt and reached out to forum.

    Regarding pooja - I am not saying she is doing wrong . What is the point of doing pooja for hours when you don’t have empathy on your family member.

    I am stopping this here. I will try to take help next time.

     
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  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....glad your husband helped out.
    Of course you know your mil best.
    We can only comment based on what information is posted.

    20 years on you should be able to calmly tell her ' in your days women did not do many things that they do today '.
    Hearing such comments year after year can wear a person down. Learn to answer back calmly and respectfully.
    Ideally your husband should tell her that ...but if he is not,then you do it.
    Once she knows you are willing to talk back calmly ,she will stop saying these stupid unreasonable things that are wearing you down.

    Best wishes and get well soon.
     
  10. Deol7777

    Deol7777 New IL'ite

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    Thank you. I did say to her in the past the same exact thing and then my first kid was born with a health issue.

    One day when i and she were there, she said it happened becos I gave her answer back. I felt very upset. She used to be worse but over years she did change a bit but still is quite hard .

    Husband tries to correct her whenever she says something wrong to me in front of him. She now creates as if I am dominating my husband and he is correcting under my influence but does not understand that he is correcting her as she is wrong.

    The unfortunate thing about these forums is you want to share but you cannot share all details as it will become a big post but sometimes folks jump into wrong conclusions due to that.


     

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