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Advice On Mil Problem

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Deol7777, Aug 20, 2019.

  1. Deol7777

    Deol7777 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    Need some advice on MIL problems.

    I was married for around 20 years and my MIL always hurts me indirectly. Example: she brings same scenario that happened with me as some neighbors scenario and then reply as if she was talking about their case. I know she is indirectly referring to me but I cannot really confront as she will say she is actually talking about neighbors. She always praises about my co sis in front of me ( probably to make me feel bad) and does the same with her. near her she praises my way of doing things. We both talk to each other and by now we know she does this intentionally. But for outsiders she praises that she got best dil’s in The world. 5 years back my FIL passed and she started staying with us. I am not really liking this indirect way of hurting and finally took courage and confronted that I know that she is wantedly trying to bring our scenarios as neighbors and hurting and I a not liking it and going forward I will tolerate any more and my husband always supports me as he himself was there when she did this crazy talking in the past. But the problem is , she became even more worse as her son is supporting me . She stays bad mood most of the day. On occasion like where I get promotion- she does not want to come for dinner ( due to which we have to cancel hers) and petty things like this continue daily. I don’t like giving it back all the time and loose my peace but at the same time want her to stop this behavior and be nice. I am willing to do all work and I do already and don’t need her help in home chores other than keeping my mind peaceful but she always finds a way to hurt me. How do I solve this?

    Few examples:

    1) I am little overweight than my hus. She always pauses tv when a couple ( wife chubbier than hus) and asks me feedback on how the couple is looking?

    2) she talk bad about my parents - my parents brought jewelry when my baby is born but of baby size. Then she was talking to my daughter who is 6 month old and saying what will u do with baby size jewelry as they willl soon not fit. Will you play as toys?

    3) when she comes to our house she praises my co sis a lot and her way of doing things etc and she does reverse there., I feel it is sick.. instead she can praise what she likes in each of us in their respective homes. Don’t understand why she does that?


    4) I am a working person but still make Indian breakfast before leaving to work, prepare lunch, drop and pick both kids and do all house hold chores. But still when my husband tried to help me after returning from work.. she does not like it and makes statements like my kids never worked before marriage and now they are doing all this. Thank god my husband does not stop helping me or supporting me but I am afraid with this constant nagging things will change.

    5) I cannot list all things she said to me as it will be lengthy post but she hurted like above on several occasions. Last month I confronted and quoted everything she said since marriage and said I will not tolerate anymore. I can do all the work and respect her as MIL provided she does not make this indirect attack. She told my husband about my quarrel and he told her she needs to stop her indirect way of telling things. Now she seems angry on both of us..in Co sis house BIL gets carried away with MIL and scolds co sis. Co sis shares with me., here it is not happening the same way. So she is acting weird.

    6) she insists not to go for any parties , dinner ( marriage day, promotion) on special occasions after quarrel due to which we are cancelling ours. Mine and my co sis wedding days are day apart. She did not wish us . When my co sis family called to wish us , she said she forgot. I am sure she is doing all this intentionally. She needs things her way regardless and feeling it as constant pain as she is in our home now.
    Even after the quarrel she keeps telling co sis called her and said sorry as she is not able to call ( they call everyday .. just for missing one day costs called and said very sorry). I got doubt and asked cosis .. she said she never said that..it’s my MIL indirect way to tell me other DIL is so polite ( not sure)..

    My MIL does not know that me and co sis are close and share. I want to her my MIL that we share and know her drama but my co sis insists as BIL will scold her.

    Keeping cosis issues aside, how do I solve my MIL issue? When I confronted she cried making me look bad and she says I am a loose talker and make hurtful statements without knowing but honestly she does that intentionally to keep DIL’s under control.

    Pls advice..
     
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  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Go out for dinner without her and have a bloody good time. If she wants to sulk, that is her own problem. Your MIL is being passive aggressive . Are you expecting lightning to strike on her head and for her to suddenly turn nice to you ? Not happening, instead live your life without paying any heed to what she says. It’s no fun for her to taunt you, if you don’t indulge with her at all.
     
    Amica, Sunshine04, sbonigala and 4 others like this.
  3. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    OP, what is the solution you foresee? Do you think your MIL will somehow realize how hard you are working and acknowledge it, or do you think she will understand the fair thing to do and behave accordingly? believe me , there is NOTHING in this world that you can do to make things better with her.
    Here are some things that you CAN do
    1) The top advice given in this forum - ignore and live your life. you have confronted, you have the support of your husband and you have done all you can to let your MIL know you dont like her behaviour. she does not intend to change. so next time she says something, either ignore and move on - or you yourself start telling stories of "neighbour's MILs". Praise your friends in-laws as to how adjusting they are. smile and walk away.
    2) Next time she pauses the Tv to ask your opinion on the chubby wife, say "they make a wonderful pair. its the understanding that matters. looks fade away"
    3)Why do you cancel dinners if she refuses to come? In my Opinion, you should carry on without her. leave her like that two times and third time, she will come . if not, enjoy the alone time.
    4) You cannot change the hurtful comments she makes, you can only change the way you react to them. So learn to actively ignore them and soon you will reach a stage where it doesnt affect you.
     
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  4. Deol7777

    Deol7777 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for prompt reply. I will try to do. I am practicing to ignore but honestly deep down I am hurt and it shows on my face right away and I think she is able to play on me due to that. I hope I get that art of ignoring and not showing on face.
     
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  5. Deol7777

    Deol7777 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for the tips. I really got some ideas on how I can reply cleverly. Currently I show on my face that I was hurt and I think that was giving her satisfaction. I will try my best to ignore. May be it comes over time.

    Also she tries to spoil all my important happy days ( not sure intentionally or unintentionally)

    Example: let’s say if it’s my daughter bday and we had fun. When we do video call she says is the dress itching you and irritating u. Remove it .. u will be free to my 1 year old . The dress was sent by my mother to my daughter . she does not send any. Why hurt me on my parents choice?

    If i go for an event with her and everyone praises my saree. She will find some lone time and say the saree you wore for xxx party was good . Indirectly which means the one I am wearing is not good. I don’t ask her if she meant that to save myself from feeling bad but even not asking is not helping there.

    Most of the instances are indirect and I can never ask. Even when I confronted, she cleverly escaped she never meant that., hope god gives me stamina to ignore and be happy regardless of her statements
     
    Anusha2917 likes this.
  6. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    First the good news:
    1. Your husband is on your side.
    2. Her passive aggressiveness shows that she is not secure enough to openly tell things to you (probably because her son does not support her blindly)

    Now the bad news:
    1. she will never change (In her ideal world, you will be scared of her... the whole house will revolve around her ideas and wishes)

    And the best news:
    like everyone else said... don't show her that she is able to get to you. be happy in front of her.
    (this will irritate her more)
     
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  7. radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    OP you are giving way too much importance to each and every word of your MIL.
    Instead take it like your child is lucky that she can play with real gold jewelry as toys.
    Take it like she is praising your choice that the saree you wore on some previous occasion was good, ignore the rest, its you who are interpreting that she is criticizing now.
    So her son has to work after his marriage. Same applies to you also. Your workload has also increased after marriage to her son.
    So just ignore, ignore and ignore her petty comments.
     
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  8. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Looks like you are staying in a foreign country .
    Send her back to home country and either let her stay alone or arrange a retirement home.

    She is definitely feeling insecure for some reasons better known to her (maybe her husband is not there with her, son also taking your side) but whatever it is Why hurt you when you are doing so much for the family. Why your peace should go for a toss because of her taunts?

    If you can ignore totally and maintain peace with self then keep her along with you otherwise ask her to stay on her own. It's rude but what can one do to escape those taunts. It's very hurtful what she's doing.

    Also when your kid was 6 months and jewellery thing happened many many years ago ( you say you are married for 20 years) then still feeling bad for that doesn't make sense to me. It's the story of the past by now our mind should have erased it from memory.
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2019
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  9. harithab

    harithab Senior IL'ite

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    Congratulations @Deol7777 for bearing with your MIL for 20 years ! You have so much of patience and it reflects your loving nature :innocent:
    You already have understood your MILs character very well and since bearing her :boxing: character for long, its just time for DONT CARE phase. Let her live her life. You live yours with your supporting husband and kids. Dont care for the cunning and harsh words ! We dont know what happens the next moment in life, so enjoy the present with positive thoughts and throw away the negativity. :blush:

    Stay blessed and happy. :thumbup:
     
  10. Deol7777

    Deol7777 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. We had kids late and there is gap between first and 2nd. So my younger one is 4 years
    My 2nd one was 3 years and unexpected. So lot of gap. Hope that makes sense.
     
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