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Advice need - How to make my MIL understand my view

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by silvertulip, Dec 27, 2011.

  1. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    I have a love marriage of 1 year and have loving relationship with my hubby. My prob is my MIL's thinking and and ideas and her expectations from me to follow them. Although she is nice and good person, but there are certain weird things in her behavior. I am a working woman and don't think much of what people think. But my MIL feels people always notice everyone's clothes and jewelry (her frnd circle does which mine wont as working people dont dress up in heavy jewelry and outfits) so she always gives me instructions on how to dress up and when I refuse she is like I say for u only, what will get if people say u look good! I wanna tell her I dont wanna get compliments for looking so out of place. She tried dictating her dressing sense on me in initial days of marriage (which I did for 2 months), but then later I stopped doing, She was annoyed with it, but then gave up. But still when I go to my relatives, she will ask me to dress up in heavy outfits saying my family will notice it and see how well settled ur family is! I feel like telling her that my family is not interested in this ridiculous display of how well settled we are (but I can't tell her)! She has this idea that if we wear heavy suits, sarees, put make up and jewelry, it shows how well-off we are and people treat us with respect, which I just don't agree too as my friend circle is now like hers!

    When it comes to my husband's family and relatives' functions I do the way she says coz they have lot of show-off mentality, but the prob happens when she expects me to follow her show-off instructions and well-settled family kinda dress up in my family visits and some casual outings. I just don't know how tell her that not everyone thinks like her circle and not everyone notices people and their clothes & jewelry like the ones u know! I agree that one should be properly dressed up but being over dressed to show off and to get people's respect is something I don't agree with. I dont believe in getting respect by wearing heavy jewelry, sarees and being best dressed nor do I judge people by what saree and jewelry they wear. My MIL will notice how people are dressed up and their jewelry and make up as to how good they are in terms of intelligence, personality and smartness (I find this whole idea of hers really annoying and unbearable)!!!! :rant

    When I do things my ways or say her no (like I did it once to my hubby's office visit on family day), she gets upset and starts saying things (I refused to wear the heavy saree she wanted me to wear, but eventually I wore it as she blamed my hubby for my behavior and nagged him). When I do things as she says just to avoid her nagging, she feels she has won as she makes statements like, see u looking so good, even I have dressing sense and fashion sense. Eventually I will make u learn my ways and u will do things like me! (at times I really wonder if she will let me be me and wont try making me behave like her!)

    And when I go for shopping, she expects that in my everyday formal and casual wear stuff, I should take her advice or discuss with her. She expects me to behave like my sister in law as to how she used to ask my MIL and take her opinion for everything. She always boasts of herself, her achievements (she is a housewife), her upbringing and ideals she has given to her kids and her fashion sense and common sense. She always gives examples of how well she has taught her daughter to adjust in her husband’s home. If I don't follow her advice or do things my ways then according to her I am very stubborn and don’t take my MIL’s advice which is given for my well being. She always cribs on my choices for expensive clothing items, although I earn and can afford to buy such stuff, still she feels I am overspending and gives me lectures on how to look good in budget. According to her I should spend on heavy sarees and more of family function type wardrobe than the regular branded wardrobe. She always complains to my husband that I do things my way and never ask her opinion on my personal choices. My hubby says there is generation gap between my MIL and us and it will take time for her to understand our ways but I wonder if my MIL will ever understand my thinking and how should I do it? shakehead
     
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  2. mybaby1

    mybaby1 Gold IL'ite

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    hi dear,

    can understand your situation very well.just ignore her talks and as you have explained your point of view and if not just tell her someday in a calm and polite way that you both are different person and so have different thoughts and she has been not a working women which i think she is not so she is not aware of the office culture and dressing...
    ask your husband to state it clearly to her that let her be how she wants to be.most of the times it happens that MILs listen to their sons n dd and dont feel bad also...

    even if she continues then just go with your wish gradually she will get to know that you are going to follow your heart..
     
  3. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    York story reminds me of my early days in marriage...my mil was of the opinion that dils should dress up the way they show in those stupid saas bahu dramas. I had a terrible time with everyone commenting on my dressing sense and my simple ways. They also had a problem with the soap I used. They used to say it smells bad! But I continued my ways nd offended them for life! I wish people would not learn how to dress up nd how to live from TV serials.
     
  4. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks for ladies for the replies! :) Ya she is influenced very much by TV fashion, but I am not and I am not going to follow it. I think I need to ignore her talks...that's what I do most of the times. The issue comes when she nags me or my hubby!! That is the time when I find it difficult coz she makes it sound as if I don't respect her views and sounds stubborn. At times she has made statements like even I know how people dress up for office and work as my daughter goes to office too!! (my SIL is also working)
    I just don't know how to ignore it softly coz when I ignore it or tell her, she nags my hubby and he feels bugged by her talks and he asks me not to make issue on those petty things and just do something to get over the issue (when actually my MIL is making issue on petty things)!!:rant
    He tells me that she will stop saying all this after an year or so when she gets used to my ways and knows how I am. But I wonder will it actually happen and how?
     
  5. Roopasparsh

    Roopasparsh Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi SIlver Tulip...

    All I can tell you is this.. lolllz.. Haal hai jo tera wohi haal mera... hmmm dont get me wrong.. but nice to see some one sail in same boat not for any other reason but this gives more strength to each other.. trust me it does.. My mil is very similar to that of yours.. very similar.. just that she is a typical mumbaite...Every time she will add.. Hamare mumbai main aisa karte hain.. tumhare bangalore main aisa nahi milta rahega.. ( God knows which Bangalore she talks about).. actually she is a nice lady.. but her curt way of talking .. her curious nature .. her impatiences irritates me to no end.. and ya the way she pampers my hubby ( uski to baat na hi karen to behtar hai...) hmmmm.. My hubby is a sweet heart.. poor chap tries hard balancing both of us.. with me adjusting more as she is old.. but somewhere that hurts me too as old people ( elders) usually adjust more than youngsters.. she is a old generation lady when it comes to some things but will be totally updated on movies actresses and leaves no gap while talking about beauty and mumbai people.. she describes people more on their looks and in fact attaches lot of importance to it too all this makes me wild.. Now slowly I feel Its best to ignore as her exposure to life and our exposure is totally different... I suggest the same thing to you too.. :)
     
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  6. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Roopa!

    Even I am glad to know that someone shares same experience like me and I am not the only one facing this! The only thing difference is that u hear abt Mumbai n I hear abt Delhi!! :notthatway:

    Now I have started turning deaf to her ideas but as I said b4 when she nags us (me n my hubby) that's what get annoying..!! :confused2:

    My hubby also tries to balance things but gets caught in it!! Ur MIL mine sound so similar, they aint bad but have fixed ideas on life n people. It seems we can actually talk abt it and find some way to deal with the situation!! Anyways nice meeting ya..keep in touch.. :):-D
     
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  7. Roopasparsh

    Roopasparsh Bronze IL'ite

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    Exactly.. thats what I meant :) We can share our woes and laugh it out..:cheers its fun that way.. :) .. you know what My SIL got married good 15 years back so all these years its been like only my MIL FIL and DH.. so its like they have only one son so they do so much for him like a mother caring for a kid I go mad.... :bonk They compare what my SIL used to wear 15 years back to what I wear now.. and say I am not modern can you beat that!!!:rant And Silvertulip.. there is no one way to deal with such people.. Everyday is a learning..:thumbsup

    Regards,
    Roopa
     
  8. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi 'Silvertulip'

    First things first...........Let me appreciate that you say, your MIL is basically nice and good person. I congratulate you for this statement on your MIL.

    But, understand one basic fundamental of life. Every MIL, in spite of being however nice she is by Nature,..........is bound to be dissatisfied with her DIL. That is what the chemistry of the relation between MIL and DIL. Though you have focussed your entire post on her disagreement with your way of dressing only.............your MIL would soon find fault with you in every thing...............I mean, every thing in life. Those days will soon come.

    Just understand.......MILs are meant to be finding faults with DILs. That is the meaning of their existence. Accept this reality. Then, life will be simple and peaceful. Good Luck..! :)
     
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  9. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Wonder why the analyst did not bother to talk about the converse...
    A DIL is bound to be dissatisfied about a MIL no matter what....
     
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  10. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with what u say. It feels better to share ur woes with someone and laugh on them!:cheers
    My SIL got married 6 months b4 our wedding so the prob is many times she expects me to behave like my SIL and tries to be my mom giving me advice on every damn thing (which my mom won't even do)!:spin
    My parents bought me in an independent manner and pampered me as I am the only kid. Now my MIL gives me instructions on everything I do as if I don't know anything and she makes statement like I have taught my DD like this!! In the beginning she used to say things like I see my daughter in u..kinda stuff n all.. I indirectly made it clear that I cant behave like her daughter and now she seems to be sinking in that fact after 1 year of our marriage.. She always boasts of herself and how she has managed everything as if my parents never did anything!! :rotfl Now I don't even bother abt her self-praise, I think gradually we end up learning as to how we can handle such people better.. :thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2012
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