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Adjustment Issues In In-law's House

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shwethamona, Mar 20, 2017.

  1. shwethamona

    shwethamona New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    My name Shwetha, and I work in a IT company. I have a 4 year old son (very naughty), and live in a joint family of 9 members, in a 3 bhk single floor house.I don't believe in too much superstition, finding it very difficult to adjust to the family.

    My husband is very nice and understands me and my point of view, however he would never like to listen to anything against his mom and brother, even if they were wrong. I am 6 years into our marriage and trying to adjust to their house but somehow it just doesn't happen.

    I am a straightforward person, and a little short tempered, but I don't tend to speak when I'm angry cz I know it will end up in a fight. So most of the time anyone tells me something sarcastic (which I hate),I just keep try keep my calm, cz I don't want to argue(my mom always says don't argue with your in-laws, however hard that might be).

    Things worsen when my mom in law says nasty stuff about other peoples appearances or clothes or way of living, or anything for that matter, I still keep quite. She is very orthodox and superstitious and expects me to be the same way. since I don't believe in superstition and don't like wearing bindi, bangles etc., she doesn't like me. she always supports my co-sister even though she doesn't go for work, nor does she help in household chores, just because she takes her to temples, and she laughs n talks, she supports her (VERY FAKE -my husband also has admitted many times that she is fake). Just a small incident i remember, my baby shower my MIL got me a saree of "her choice" for Rs1000 and on my co-sister's 2nd baby shower she gets a silk saree worth Rs7000 of my co-sisters choice. (its like i don't exist or i have no choice). This is just 1 incident though.

    My father in law is equally narrow minded. I cant even sit on the sofa in front of him. He always has a frown on his face and expects us daughter-in-laws to work 24/7. His language is very bad and always finds a reason to fight, and ends up hitting my MIL (such a bad environment for kids to grow up). They have never had a good relationship all their life and haven't spoken to each other from 5 years, which my MIL blames me for (I don't understand how).

    My co-sister i don't wanna say much,cz she too faces similar things as I do. However , she is very lazy, and bears all the **** my bro-in-law says to her. I wonder how she is as well stuck in the house for so long. she is that lazy, that I had to cook and give her food in the place where she is sitting, even when I was 7 months pregnant.

    My brother-in-law is even weird. HE works in a IT company, and he talks big, of how we should respect women, how we need to follow tradition, and keep up the culture, etc., etc. BUT is the most narrow minded and selfish person I have met. He doesn't allow his wife to wear anarkali dress (the ones with big flare). He decides what she wears, what color she wears, what she eats etc. She used to work in a school as art and craft teacher, but he made her leave the job, as he felt that it is not prestigious.

    With all this in background, I had a fight with my MIL about 5 days back. Reason being I asked her not to keep comparing my son with his cousins and other kids, and asked her to stop using the words "bad boy" as it negatively affect him. She stared to complain, to my bro-in-law when my husband was not around. When I questioned her why is she telling this to my brother-in-law instead of my husband, and this is what she had to say:
    1. I don't have good manners ( I don't see how, cz she is the 1 talking nasty stuff always)
    2. I don't have a good upbringing ( talking about my parents)
    3. I have never thought good values to my son ( which I think no mother in the world would do)
    4. I don't follow all her superstitious beliefs and rituals, hence my husband is suffering (I don't know how that is even related. e.g. Like, I have to wash my hair while taking bath the next day if I've had non-veg prev day that is)
    5. I wear short clothes hence I don't have a good character (Her sister's daughter's also wear like me shorts, crop top, but according to her they are decent and I am not, when I don't wear anything other than pants, salwar and saree in the house. I only wear western clothes when I go on a trip .. that too like max twice a year. But if she had so much problem on clothing, after she spent all her life wearing saree, she started wearing salwar, at the age of around 50 to go for yoga class..cz she had to adapt.)
    6. My co-sister's daughter is spoiling because of me (like Im the only person in the world she looks at to learn things)
    7. I make my husband play on my finger tips (so what? am I supposed to be his maid, or we shouldn't make decisions together?)
    8. I spend all my money on clothes and shoes (So she searches my stuff when I' not there. And what the hell, I earn. I don't ask anyone to buy it for me. I don't beg borrow or steel)
    9. So, I have to forget all my dreams. I should not follow my dreams since "I'm married"
    10. Because of me, she has s topped talking to her husband. (Let me tell you that she hates her husband, and she blames it on me)

    After listening to all this, My bro-in-law decides to take side of his mom, and doesn't bother to tell her that she is speaking wrongly. in stead tells me to stop arguing, cz she is old and she doesn't have tolerance limit to listen to such things when i dint even speak wrong about her.

    Even after all this, I'm hesitating to tell my husband to move out, and he still cant imagine moving out of the house leaving his beloved mom and bro.
    I don't even want my parents to know that i have gone through this. neither do I want to stay in that house, which feels like jail.
    How on earth should I try to have some positive attitude towards this family full of haters.
    they hate me, cz im thin at the age of 29, cz I'm independant, cz I'm bold, cz I'm fearless, and even still I'm not able to tell my husband to move out.
    I just wanna move out. How do I address this? How do I convince my husband to move out ?
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
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  2. MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

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    This thread should be moved to Relationship forum.
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    What has been the daycare arrangement for your son the past 4 years? Goes to a daycare outside the home, there is a nanny whom your in-laws supervise, your in-laws take care of him, or something else?
     
  4. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    op,

    omg .. how do you stay in such a toxic and negative environment...
    You seem to be standing up for yourself in a much deserved way...and hence the result(negativity towards you from everyone else in family). But those are the side affects of power.. Keep up the good job.
    Coming to separate family.. if you are sure that your H will not listen to you, then even before initiating a talk with him, try to get a job outside of that place. that may work out.
     
  5. shwethamona

    shwethamona New IL'ite

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    I'll try to move it. I'm new to Indus ladies, just figuring out things.
     
  6. shwethamona

    shwethamona New IL'ite

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    He goes to school,, so he comes back at around 1. My mother in law is there to take care of him. In fact she takes care of 3 kids. hats off to her for that, I agree. But I'm not sure, what happens in the house when I'm not there. many times my son has complained to me that my co-sister hits him. I even send him for tuition for 2 hours in the evening so that he doesn't stay and trouble people at home. I had a discussion on this with my husband telling him all the things my MIL said to me. and we thought of sending him to a day care, but we are a little worried as my son is very naughty, and we have heard that some day cares give sleeping pills to kids.
     
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  7. shwethamona

    shwethamona New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your positive comment. I feel the encouragement, and the courage that I need to stand up for myself.
    Trying to get a job outside is not an option for me. My husband runs a business, and my dad is ill from past 1 year (they live close by). I feel stuck. :(
    I don't wanna fight and move out. I just want my family to understand that I need some space and I hae different ways of handling things, and still be in good relation with everyone. But my husband doesn't understand this. he things I'm tearing his family apart. I just don't understand how to go about convincing him.
     
  8. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP

    First and foremost, enroll your kid in a day care. I am sure you MIL treats him lovingly and all but if your co sis hits him in your absence and your over dramatic FIL hits your MIL then its better for the kid to stay in a day care than at home in your absence. But I am aware that this Idea may not go down very well with your husband and his family, so just think about the excuses like e.g. he enjoys other kid's company, he will be more independent, MIL is old and gets tiered etc. Your son is 4 years old , so dont worry about sleeping pills and all. It does not happen at reputed day cares. The thing is the kids at this age are very sharp and observe their environment much more than you know.

    Now coming to your problem, I can very well understand the living hell you are going through and convincing your husband to move out is only going to backfire as he is already blames you for tearing the family apart. So do not initiate any talk with him on this. Its good that you are working so you at least get some time out. The only solution that I see in this scenario is that just ignore her negative comments about you. Or even better, just go to other room every time she tries to blame you. Do not listen to what she says. Pretend that you are always busy and have no time to take her s***. Put on a headphone if she screams.
    By doing this, you will add fuel to her anger, she will get so frustrated that she herself will cross all her limits one day , that day your husband might realize the toxic environment and hence may consider to live separately.

    This might sound like a daily soap like a solution but I guess its worth a try. Good luck.
     
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  9. shwethamona

    shwethamona New IL'ite

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    Thank you. You got my situation perfectly right. I think that is the reason I'm hesitating to initiate a talk with him. I think my husband should realize whats best for us, and it definitely takes time. I have waited 6 years, I think I can wait few more days. I cannot expect things to change overnight. Thanks for your valuable suggestion. Have a lovey day!
     
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  10. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    You got a typical monster in law problem..
    You already figured out the solution-move out. Try to take your life in to your control. Search for good day care. I think your son will be ok. Don't complain about your MIL to dh, it will backfire.
    If your MIL say some good thing listen and obey. If not completely neglect.
    Ignore neglect and walk away at the moment she utter something bad.. act as if you don't care ...do home jobs only when people , especially your dh, around to show you are busy and lot to do and you are not getting any rest because of job plus household work.

    Rest of the time relax and do some thing enjoy.. stop supplying food to your SIL.let her take her food and eat. IF dh is around do give some service to others to show your dh that you are the best Dil. Rest of the time don't do that.

    Just ignore unnecessary comments or suggestions or orders from any one...
    Don't argue and fight as it will backfire ..
    If your dh complaints based on others say you are not creating any issue and don't know why they say it or say you don't want to talk about it depending on the situation..
    Neglecting and maintaining silence and ignoring bad behaviour is the best insult one can give to a person.
    If your husband is in home act as best DIL, if not completely neglect. If dh complains based on mils feedback you can say believe what you see and not what others tell.

    Talk about in laws only in a very positive way to husband. Dont ever complain.Give him the impression that you give respect to in laws became of your love towards dh

    I hope one day your husband realise it and move out. You need to convince him you want to move out not because of in-laws but you all need space as a family. Tell him you want to maintain the unity of his home and it is better to have some distance to maintain relations.. think about buying a house for yourself but near to all the families. It will be a good investment too..
    OP, you are lucky that you have job and can spend many hours outside this home. Many people don't have that aspect in their life
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2017
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