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Adjusting To Married Life With In Laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Shivika992, Oct 11, 2019.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Best answer to SIL is to give her sarcastic smile as if you know her intentions. Smile, smile, smile (light)..no reply

    As you are newly married, it's better to observe, than reacting. Treat others well. This will help you to get more support from dh. As long as they dont do anything that affect your own life, just ignore these noises and try to build bond with your dh by being yourself.
     
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  2. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, a little guile goes a long way.

    This is your long term goal, remember it. Your Sil's intention is to stop this from happening, because that will reduce her importance in your DH's life.

    And you give her the power to do so. She is now the outsider in your family (DH and you) So channel your energy towards your long term goal.

    Yeap, every time she gets on your nerve, smile, think of something sweet between your DH and you, and think of something to do to endear yourself to DH. That will take away the power from her words. It is only when you react, when you feel hurt you give her words power. Use your body language to respond
    this will be more powerful than anything you say. :grinning:
     
  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    I have seen (also been in) teams of auntiji's in the prenuptial gang to advice a bride before she goes off (the vidai/bidai ceremony) in the palanquin to live with her husband's family.
    @SunPa where have all those aunties gone ? :BangHead::facepalm:
    • Aren't girls getting behavioral advice to deal with each individual in the new monkey-house ?
    • Aren't girls getting birthcontrol/family-planning advice these days? [get pregnant only after husband is on your side?]
     
  4. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry for the belated response.

    I just missed the snippet and had occasion to go through the responses only after the prize winner's name was announced.Congrats to DDream for the advice that is suited to all generations to come.

    Sadly many problems seem to continue even in these days, with MIL-DIl relationship becoming almost 'nil'

    I am reminded of sage Kanwa's series of advices to his adopted daughter 'Sakunthala' when she leaves for her husband King Dushyantha's house.
    In the end he would say" girl is another man's property left in my possession for a few years. Having sent her to her husband's house, I feel as though I have paid back my debts." so to compare girl to an object.

    The drama 'Abhignana Sakunthalam'was written by Kalidasa nearly 1600 years back and even now the advice seems to fit perfectly.

    To conclude a woman should be
    " Kaaryeshu dhasee,,karaneshu mantri,
    dharmeshu pathnee, kshamayaa dharithree
    snehe cha matha,sukhe cha kaantha,
    shatdharmavathyo kuladharma vadvya:"
    ( a kul avadhoo should be like a slave when she works, should be
    ministerlike when she is asked to give advice in official/financila/royal affair;Should be a pathnee while performing religious obligations,
    be patient like mother earth;be a mother while showering affection;be a wife while giving pleasures to her husband;-
    Kula vadhus should possess all the above six attributes.

    When I joined Pre University class in 1957 , the prospectus of our College had the picture of Rama, Sita, Lakshmana and Anchaneya .
    The motto was " na hi gnaanena sadusham"( Nothing equals knowledge ' followed by the above verse in Sanskrit.

    We thought that the founder of the college specifically included this , just to show that the institution cared more for tradition and culture.
    After 62 years I find the same feeling echoed in the snippet , after two generations of women's education and empowerment.

    Change is supposed to be the unchangeable aspect of society.
    But certain facts seem to be eternal.Aren't they?

    jayasala 42
     
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  5. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    From what I have seen so far, this seems to be the story (reality) of every other DIL in Indian married life. Only few have been fortunate enough to get in-laws who like, support, value and respect. This is mostly always the case especially when DD lives around. I went through something similar, but didn't get married after seeing I was always a secondary person for my would be husband too. I am still trying to understand why us DIL's have to go through such treatment in Indian families and if our society is improving, then where is the improvement in these areas.

    Anyways, just make sure your husband treats you right or you will have to start setting up boundaries. Hope everything turns out well for you!
     
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  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Shivika992,

    The relationship through marriage is definitely not equal to relationship through birth as far as your in-laws are concerned. However, the husband needs to be the strong bridge between the birth relatives and wife. The bond that is built over 25 to 30 years can't be paralleled by establishing relationship through marriage. Like you being uncrowned queen in your house, your in-laws daughter is uncrowned queen in your in-laws house. Please don't try to destabilize that bond as it would only result in more complications. Assume it is not their actions but your reactions to it that affects you more. Stay close to your husband and establish a strong relationship with him. Focus your attention to your well-being through a strong bond with your husband.

    If he is not sharing with his parents what you discuss with him privately, it is a sign of you establishing a good relationship with him. Pretend to accept your MIL's authority to learn from her how she established herself into this family since her marriage with your FIL. Don't give too much importance to your SIL's actions and words as she might be feeling insecure in her husband's family which is why she is spending most of her time with her parents. As you emerge stronger in your husband's family, she would fade out from your life and at some point, you may become a teacher for her to tell her how she could become stronger in her in-laws house. Frankly, her frequent visit to your in-laws should give you the privilege for you to have frequent visit to your parent's family.

    Tell your opinion to your husband privately and ask him to express your views as his views to the family. Slowly, the family will understand its your view that your husband is expressing and they will all learn how to respect your views. That is the best way to get your views respected by your new family initially. There is a stage at which your new family will begin asking your views and accept them gracefully. You need patience until that time comes.
     
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2019
    Shivika992 likes this.

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