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Adjusting To Married Life With In Laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Shivika992, Oct 11, 2019.

  1. Shivika992

    Shivika992 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I have been married for a year and am finding it difficult to adjust to my new life. After marriage i have moved in with my in laws in a different city from my home town. My in laws are very good people and am thankful for getting such good in laws. However, i have started feeling like i will always be an outsider in this family. My sister in law (husbands sister) also resides nearby after marriage. And it seems like it is all about her all the time. It seems my in laws would be happier staying with her than my husband and me. Their life seems to revolve around their daughter and her children most of the time. And she seems to enjoy everything revolving around her.
    My mother in law will ask sil for advice for everything. My opinions are rarely taken and even if she takes my opinion she never does what i say but will do as daughter says. Sometimes I am scared to even give opinions around sil as she may make into a topic of gossip as she has done before.
    I feel like i am trying to be part of something where i will always be second. I miss my family back home where my opinions mattered and i could say things freely. I feel like i will not be able to adjust to this family. What should i do?
     
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  2. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Sounds like they prefer their daughter since she lives close by and they have access to her opinion always. Since it been only a year, it s hard to judge anything from this, their views about you may change when there is something important comes in your life or in the whole family. Most of the time, ILs compares DIL with their DD and find faults. They never accept DIL as their own. Even if they accept, it is conditional. If you have support from your husband you do not have to worry about what they think. Be you. No matter what.

    When I talk to my MIL (FIL passed away a few years ago), I always feel she never cares about me, she always asks only about DH and her grandchild. i am just a person to take care of them. I don't care what she think about me because, I know for my husband, I always come first. So I call her every Saturday, ask how things are going and other details, make sure my DD has a few words with her, and dear husband checks in on everything. And I call her on weekdays too sometimes. If there is some poking around, I make sure to deflect that and not give anything to get back at me. I have my strings to pull when it comes to any critical situation and also, I express my opinion no matter how it feels to the other side.

    You will also learn to fight your battles. For now, stand your ground, if you feel they dont value your opinion, when asked, tell them you dont have anything to say. Or when you say something say with reason. It takes more than a year to adjust to the new family. Our own home is always different beacuse you grow up there for majority of your life, that life is built over the years and it will take time to do the same or better in ILs house. Be patient and you will find your chance to make your husband's your home too!
     
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  3. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't think you need to think much about how all they bonding themselves, their daughter has kids, as grandparents they all will enjoy that phase. Mil may be doing it for long time, taking her daughter opinions. She is married but she is same to her parents. You and her roles not same, you have your own significance, over the years it will be strong.
    Things related to yours and your H life, they are not considering your opinions then you need to think about how to convey it effectively, may be through your H.
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    You need to realize and accept the reality.

    MIL will be MIL , not your mother
    DIL will be DIL, not her daughter
    SIL will be SIL , not your sister.
    You dont have any blood relationship with them.

    For them you are still an outsider ('bahu' not 'bety') and it will remain like that. What about your parents. Will they treat your dh as their son and ask his permission or opinions for everything. I am sure , they wont. For them you will be the top priority. Its like that for most of the people.

    Count your blessings. You got a good MIL. Thats great. So work on maintaining that friendship with respect and a minimum distance. Never talk freely or express your internal feeling like you do with your mom. Its better not to give unwanted advice. If they need your opinion, they will ask you. Use this time (just one year , right) to observe and learn. Less you interfere, the better will be your situation.

    As long as you have a cordial relationship you are blessed (read relationship with in laws forum here). Treat her and respect her like mother of your dh, not your mother. You have a good marriage, good dh, good MIL, good SIL. Its better to keep it that way. You are the 'lakshmi' of the house, hold everyone together as much as you can. Focus on your life with dh and enjoy. Dont worry about it too much and spoil your good relation with them. Also never complain about them to your dh, it will worsen the situation.

    If they are mean to you, only then you need to select the battles you need to fight. Till them try to adjust and enjoy your new life. It take time for them to accept you as their family member and for you to accept them. The only connection you have with them is your dh. Make full efforts to have a great bond in all aspects with your dh and form a team of you two. Also try to create a cordial relationship with everyone. So focus on that. Also try to see their positives and be grateful.Over thinking will spoil your happiness.

    I am also blessed to have good PILS, like you have. They respect me and treat me well. So I do the same. But I always maintain a respectable distance with them and do my duties as member of their family. That really helped me. I cannot expect them to discuss their internal problems or issues with me. If they talk , I always think well only then speak. I have accepted that they will never love me like their son or daughter, I will be wife of their son, so no problem. But I almost treat them like my parents, but remember very well that they are not my parents.

    One more thing. Love yourself. Have a life of your own. Be yourself and never sascrifice your basic needs for anything or change who you are (it will never bring happiness). If you do, everyone will start expecting sacrifices. So you should know well want you want as a person, live and let others live their lives the way they want. Be positive. Enjoy this phase of your marriage.
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2019
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  5. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    You are just starting out your married life , so there are things you should know early on to make your life ahead easier.
    You are the center of your parents universe, so don’t you think it is natural your IL’s dote over their daughter ? Would your brothers wife ever be more important than you for your parents? Never ! Your expectations are unreasonable and will only lead to negativity in your life ahead.
    Instead , accept gracefully that you are a queen only for your parents. Let in laws enjoy their grandkids ( they will love your kids btw, when they are born).

    You will need to be more tactful in how and when you express your opinions , what battles you invest your energy on.
    I would not waste my energy on what vegetables are cooked for the day but definitely not give up eating chicken because I am asked to Your opinions matter for situations that affect your life considerably. ( I love chicken and I would fight a war for it and almost did).

    Your in laws you say are reasonable folks, so why not focus on the good qualities and not taint your relation because they behave like all parents in the world do.
     
  6. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Golden words :clap2:
     
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  7. Agathinai

    Agathinai Gold IL'ite

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    Good reply. That’s all one needs to know and if they are just good enough in laws otherwise carry on with the good understanding relationship.
     
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  8. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Join them. Assimilate. And become a 5th column.

    When someone asks your opinion (so that they can ignore it), offer up a very friendly smile, and tell them that you'll have to call your sister-in-law and find out, because you always value her opinions more than your own. In kaun-banega-crorepati this is called a life-line. You get the opinion on the mobile, and pass it on.
    Once the SIL starts getting requests for opinions from everybody, she'd be swamped with all of it, and would be looking to outsource some of that work. The work may even come your way. Don't accept that job. Continue to let her handle it, because "you value" her opinions.

    5th Column: A fifth column is any group of people who undermine a larger group from within, usually in favour of an enemy group or nation. The activities of a fifth column can be overt or clandestine.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2019
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  9. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dealing SIL's interference is a bit tricky. But not something you cannot tackle. When I say tackle I don't mean you can completely stop something which has been happening over a period of time but slight dynamics can be changed. For that you need to give sometime and 1 year so too early to feel you will not be able to adjust with this family.
    This family is nothing but "your" family. Belongingness to the family should begin with you.

    Now just imagine how your SIL would feel if suddenly in the past one year you came into the picture and your MIL took your side and stopped taking her opinion? Would she accept it? But that's a case which will almost never happen. For moms their daughters/kids are right no matter what.
    So completely expecting that everything will change the moment you became part of the family will never work. It's a wrong expectation to have . You cannot completely make them not take her opinion.
    To begin with

    1) Be firm and make sure you and your husband are on the same page always. Let in laws take opinion of daughter but you don't have to do that . Let your first priority be your husband and kid (if you have any) and then your in laws. If you go in this priority then what these people do to you should matter to you.

    2) If PIL's life revolves around SIL and kids so be it. It is a blessing because that'll reduce their interference in your life? Think it that way.

    This is universal and I have experienced it and every woman who has a SIL would know this. Let MIL do what is comfortable for her, even if it comes from SIL. You don't have to do that. Do what is comfortable for you. Your husband should approve what you are doing. 100 of instances I have faced a situation where I will be in opposite page of SIL and MIL. But I have done what I have wanted to do. Will look like arrogance to them : but by not doing justice to yourself you can't go on to do justice to others. I have been in situations when I have been on their page. When I have felt I can do it in their way - I have done that and considered their opinions too if I have felt yes that's the right thing to do. It's a subtle balance which you will learn in coming years . 1 or 2 years should go in just observing keenly.

    This one avoid doing it. Do not give your opinion when she is around. Your opinion should go to your husband ,not even to MIL and it's his headache to deal with things. Pass the ball to his court.

    You should remove this feeling and be vv confident that it's your home. Don't be dominant and crave to make decisions but be confident that you belong there as much as SIL belongs to that home.

    Some superb advice from DDream. I have adopted that and found great peace with myself by maintaining a good amount of distance with MIL,SILs. I stay with PILs but never get affected by what they do and what decisions they take. They are free to do anything for their daughters and daughters' kids. I voice my opinion . If they accept then well and good, if not I don't get bogged down. But I never suppress my feelings to give my opinion. :)
     
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  10. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Shivika, talking about perspectives . See this post below. You might appreciate your in-laws even more now .

     

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