Actively Thinking About Divorce - Any Positive Experiences?

Whatever you decide, you have to make sure you plan well ahead as it will be very hard to start a new life from scratch.

As for me, I officially filed for divorce last year and I couldn't be more happier now that we are not living in the same roof. My children and I live in the same house, same lifestyle and a good settlement is in the talk. Had I filed back in 2008, I would have faced a lot of humiliation and insults because it meant going back to India with my 3.5 yr, 15 months, and newborn children and being financially supported by my Dad.

In regards to love relationship, I am not interested in being in one, for now anyways. I've already been asked quite a few times in the hospital where I volunteer but I am really enjoying my freedom and looking after my children.

 

Generally, I think it is best if you write down all possible options and see its pros and cons. It will be easier for you to make the next move based on the option you pick. Since you have your mom's support now, then maybe you can go over your options with her. Know your rights and entitlements in your country. If you need to upgrade your skills for higher pay, do it now.


For my story, the situation I was in was very tricky and complicated, on top of this, my Dad and my ILs are great people and well respected in their own communities, so I did not want to drag their names in the mess. I was also betrayed and abused very badly (after I learned of the affair) hence my decision has some sort of revenge in it.

My 3 options in 2008 were:

1) 26 year old me going back to India with my young children
Pros: fast, easy way to get away from dh, will not be in financial strain because of my Dad
Cons: gossips, humiliation, insults since I was once a rebellious type teen once, fear of possible abuse of my
children from my sadist mother when i'm not home, easy way to relieve my husband from his
financial responsibility to his children, since he betrayed me I will not be able to make him pay back all
effort, time, money, support, my Dad's connection I gave him to get where he is now in his career

2) Stay back, call women's shelter
Pros: fast way to get away from dh
Cons: hard life ahead all by myself in a foreign country, will depend on my Dad financially, will get nothing from
divorce since we were new in the country and our savings was almost non-existent


3) Stay back with him, increase savings, investments, and if he did not change, get a divorce and 50% of everything
Pros: I get to take care of my children full-time, no dependency on my Dad, no gossips, full access to his bank, etc
Cons: alot of compromising on my end, no love, pretend happiness, physical abuse over the years and then, forced sex (daily when he's home)


I chose #3, played a good wife, invested wisely for him, started my small business on the side, never told my Dad about his abuses because I knew Dad will make me go back home. He became good but went back in his old way again... last year, i saw in one of his coworker's wife FB pics that he was having lovey-dovey moment with a caucasian woman.. i don't know if it was the same woman whom I heard moaning when i called my husband in 2008. Anyways, the abuses came in handy because i'm using them now to get more of the settlement.


I wish I can be more helpful. Our problems are very different and I really wish I can be more specific. Do what's best for you and your son.

 

@momsky Is it possible for you to share on how your family reacted when you filed divorce. Did you tell them everything ? What about the disgrace to the family, the common topic, relatives talk about when someone utter a word about divorce. How did you handle it ? You are a brave and wise woman

@BhumiBabe, Sorry to hear your story, I read some of your old posts too. I have to say that your parents are responsible for this mess. You obeyed them and tried to fulfill their plans as a good daughter. But it failed to give a life you dreamed for. You deserve a happy life. I cannot suggest you any decision . I feel that you will take a decision when you are ready. Are you still emotionally attached to your husband? At least now, your mother realized the truth.

I know a family living currently Canada. Their kids were born and brought up here. Parents forced their daughter (a medical doctor ) for a marriage according to their wish and the groom was imported from India. But it didn't last. They divorced within two years. Their daughter later married her American colleague / bf and are leading a very happy life with two kids. Now her parents are also happy. The groom became a Canadian citizen and later imported a bride from India. They are also leading a happy life with kids. Who suffered? I feel the daughter suffered at least for 2-3 years or more. Who got the benefit ? The groom, he got a wife & life he is comfortable with, but in America.

OP, for the time being focus on you, your health, your baby and your happiness. Take enough time before taking any decision. Think about all the positives and negatives. Be very practical. All the best

 

Well,I have a friend who is a divorcee..and I can tell positive and negative experiences of her from
What she said.

Positive:
She works,financially stable,has her parents living with her and since she is in India has maids at home and her parents care for her child.So that way her only job is just going to office and being back.She says she loves this and hates getting into a marriage again as she has to sacrifice her freedom and take hold of so many responsibilities.She lives life to her fullest and each day.

Negative:
People talk,even the men gossip about her.This could be because she is in India and lack of privacy.Many guys married and unmarried try to take advantage of her.She says she feels sexually deprived and hence she is vulnerable and became susceptible to the men advances.Some men dominate her and drop her off like a hot potato but she is a very strong woman and she dosen't care about anyone's comments.

 

I had my father's blessing before I went ahead with the divorce. He said he trusts me and to not worry about the relatives in India. No, I didn't tell him everything, only the lawyers know the whole story which is why i'm getting the upperhand, my ex does not want my Dad to know what he did to me. Some of my cousins came to know already and so far I have received encouraging messages in FB. Mom and I hardly talked when I was on short visit last year.

 

Positive after divorce stories are there, i know a few in my circle . In general, since you have a kid I can give you examples of celebrities who were divorced with children and went on to have happier lives. Tv actress Shweta Tiwari , Anil Kumble' wife , author Jaishree Misra ( read her autobiography ancient promises very insightful , similar to ur story) etc.,.

 

Hi OP,

I filled for my divorce last year, after having stayed in a non-consummated and very hostile marriage for more than 3 years. I will be completing a year at my parents place and saying that everything has been positive and rosy would be wrong on my part. I would like to enlist the pros and cons:
Pros
1. I do not have to suffer emotional turmoil at the hands of my DH, his sister and my MIL which was an everyday practice.
2. I'm in a much better job and I could not think of going for such opportunities while I was married for my DH was strictly against long working hours.
3. My mental health is now on track, which had gone worse while I was married.
4. Gradually I'm also regaining my physical health which was ruined while I was married.
5. I was married to a man with different orientation so biologically, I was very deprived. I have taken care of this department now.

Cons
1. Sometimes, I find it excruciatingly difficult to adjust with my parents and brother's family hence, I have taken a strong resolve to live independently once I'm through with my divorce, which is likely to happen by the first week of April.
2. In India, divorced women are treated like commodities and perceived as sex-starved individuals. One can only develop thick skin towards this attitude.
3. After my return, I have realized that my mother is very controlling and she wants me to heal at her preconceived speed which is totally unrealistic. This and several other clashes have dented our equation but I have accepted this.