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Accepting Kids As Who They Are

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by SGBV, Jul 25, 2019.

  1. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV,

    Most mothers have given sound advice here but my experience of raising my son is little different. He is fairly independent and deep thinker and it was frustrating to his mom when he wasn't paying much attention to her advises. I recommended the following steps to her and things turned around quickly and I am suggesting the same to you:

    1) Don't benchmark him with you or other sibling. It gives him a feeling of let down by the loved ones.
    2) Pay much attention to his body language and the loud statements he was trying to make through his actions.
    3) Some have a tendency to learn from their own mistakes instead of preventive advises. Independent thinkers are in this category.
    4) Independent thinking with intelligence that you are referring to would eventually make him successful and the cycle through which he would reach his goal might be different than your daughter.
    5) Express to him that you love him dearly no matter what and keep consulting him about what you could do to help him instead of helping him what you think is right for him.

    Trust me, this model worked brilliantly for my son and he is now a life-long researcher and goes to the depth of everything he learns. Such people will not fall into the structure of limited learning and qualifying tests. Their appetite for learning goes beyond the limited school learning.


    Viswa
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2019
  2. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    lol. If you have the magic blue pill like matrix, give me one too.

    I thought i was the only one. My boy who is 7. he is super smart but playfull all the time. Give him a complicated peace of Lego and any project that interests him he will not sleep , eat till he is done.

    he is smarter than my daughter who is 13 now at that age. though daughter is A,A+ student now.

    my dad sometimes says that, Boys if motivated can rule or destroy the world.

    you are doing all good.

    3 things which helped me so far with him

    do not focus on the result at all. Focus only on his effort, if you see he is serious and focused on what is he doing , disregard others stuff. main is his effort and hard work.

    physical activity, may be it is hormones, boys needs to be involved in good sports which of-course interests them .

    CUT cut down on electronics media and have pleasure time for that like 1 hr. ( no ipad, no phones, tv for anyone even adults. ).
    it was a huge effort since that brings so much time and we do not know what to do. there were initial days when we were fighting for no reason.
    it took more than a month, even my H is picking some books and reads. It is not perfect, but it reminds me of the days i grew up with no TV and phone.
     
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  3. Yaswa

    Yaswa Junior IL'ite

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    @Radpriya,

    Yes agree with you.

    @SGBV
    Start to motivate him like this, if you do well in this time the future will be a successful man, you surely find someone name in your family to show an example right, so tell him to take an inspiration. And also observe from the otherside whether he do timepass with other gadgets?. If yes, make sure that he will not edict to that. If no, its good and try to place him in other activities like karate, skating etc..there he would meet some new challenges and persons where he can gain other knowledge too. These are all my personal experiences.
     
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  4. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello: I quite agree with your view points and suggestions.
    2. I never pushed my boy and daughter to perform to get or acquire super grades throughout their academic period but willingly they enjoyed my tutoring as and when they demanded. I left to their choice even selecting their professional course besides pursuing their passion.
    3. They are reasonably doing well. DURING THEIR EDUCATION, Both won accolades for their participation in public performances/ competitions- boy in quiz/essay writing and DAUGHTER in music CLASSIC AND LIGHT (tv Jaya, Raj, Sun)
    4. This way, they scheduled and enjoyed their leisure for future potential good.
    Thanks and Regards.
    God seeks to help leisurely people among hard working.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2019
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  5. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    No matter how much you try to hide, your son can sense it. Change your expectations. Encourage him to do the best in whatever he wants/likes to do. He will discover his talent.

    In general, we are brainwashed into thinking ONLY certain types of intelligence on a pedestal and ignoring other types. If you are not good at math or language, you might still be gifted at other things but it was not called “intelligence”. Why?

    For example:
    • Linguistic Intelligence. ...
    • Logic Intelligence. ...
    • Kinaesthetic Intelligence. ...
    • Spatial Intelligence. ...
    • Musical Intelligence.
    • Interpersonal Intelligence. ...
    • Intrapersonal Intelligence.
    Just as being a math whiz gives you the ability to understand the world, so does being “people smart” give you the same ability, just from a different perspective. Not knowing math you may not calculate the rate at which the universe is expanding, but you are likely to have the skills to find the right person who will.
     
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dear all,

    Thank you so much for giving me this much needed assurance. I appreciate all your times, and efforts and specially your encouraging replies here.
    This is not just my problem, but many mothers' face it some or the other way.

    Look... though I very well understand all this, and act accordingly... as a social animal, I get easily disturbed with other's concerns.

    For instance.... I know my son is inteligent though he doesn't score very high in his classes. He is already above average, and he needs small pushes only in certain subjects to boast his overall average above 80.
    And I am already finding solutions by hiring a special coach to teach him that subject alone at home, while he can go about the same routine for the rest. And I hope, this can help his score well in the next term examination.
    This is just a support as a parent I give to my son. And this doesn't come with further expectation or burden.
    We both are very clear about this, and I am particularly vocal about what I feel to him. I encourage him a lot, and still trying my best to identify his other potentials.

    Lately, I identified his interest in sports, and enrolled him to a good coach as per his request.

    However, people around me influence differently. They say, I should be more careful, more strict, more concerned about my son's studies as he is just an average and if I leave him at that he might become weak one day.
    And people compare myself to the other parents who put extra effort with their kids' studies, and make sure they score better.

    In my world, the kids' mark sheet is not considered as his/her talent, but his/her parents (read as mothers) effort.
    So, if a kid doesn't score well, then it means the mother hasnt taken enough effort.
    It goes well with my current circumstance, where I work outside of home and come to home 3-4 days in a week due to current work pressure. Although my kids act maturally, and my H and mom put extra care in everything with so much additional help, everyone still feel it is my mistake that my son is average in school.

    If he has changed or scored less after I have moved out, then it is a concern. But he has always been just an average kid.
    Besides, his younger sister, despite of living in the same circumstance scores great marks.

    The thing is..... If I tell them.. don't worry, he is just alright and I don't wanna push him hard, but let him run at his own speed (because according to be he is still very good), others are like "you are one careless mother"

    Why should I worry about others? Nope. I am not

    Why did I start this thread then? Well, I am not worried, but a tiniest part of my mind was still feeling guilty for leaving kids for work, and worried whether anything this society tells may be true. I just needed some clarifications and validations. That's all.

    After all, I am an evolving human....
     
  7. jayasala42

    jayasala42 Finest Post Winner

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    Madam,I read the original message and all the responses.whether the advises may give immediate results or not, a thought provoking discussion has taken place which is of great help to all mothers with growing children and also to grandmas like me to enable me to advise my daughter/son in bringing up their kids.Thank you very much for the valuable snippet eliciting so many wonderful responses.
    ramasala
     
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  8. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    This has been my experience as well. Whenever my daughter scored not so well in a test, people around me (mostly my parents ) would pressure me to send her for tuitions like everyone else is doing nowadays or ask me to teach her daily.

    My thinking was slightly different. I wanted her to learn from her mistakes, recognise when to seek help, learn to read and understand things on her own etc. I resisted the pressure to put her in tuitions. I was there to help her when she needed. When she got good marks for her 10th exams and also set a goal for her future all on her own, the nay sayers agreed that I did something right.

    Pressures are always there on parents. Feed this, not that, teach this, not that, so on and so forth. We need to form our own opinions from our experiences/research and do what we think is right.
     
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