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Accept What You Cannot Change?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by confused4sure, Jul 9, 2019.

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  1. Jul 13, 2019 #31
    Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    I don't mean to hurt you but..

    Do you think there is something in you comparing how your parents treat you and how your in laws treat your husband? Which is multiplying the grief?
    Its easy for the mind to go that way, very natural too.

    Now, I get your thread title.. yes, that IS the way.. Hope you find some emotional peace sooner than later and the ability to truly accept.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2019
    Roar, Jul 13, 2019
    Roar, Jul 13, 2019
    #31
    yesican and confused4sure like this.
  2. Jul 13, 2019 #32
    Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hopefully you will be able to find a middle ground in this situation. Pampering of son, I can understand. But being fed?I cannot wrap my head around it!
    No matter what your MIL does, she will not be able to take away your position in that family. You will have to find a way to get around her. Good luck!
     
    Angela123, Jul 13, 2019
    Angela123, Jul 13, 2019
    #32
    confused4sure likes this.
  3. Jul 13, 2019 #33
    confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    it is possible... I was watching a movie yesterday.. where the girl comes home to visit after marriage.
    and both mom and dad are asking her, how are you.. how are in-laws with you.. are you and DH doing ok... etc..

    and my mind was comparing to the time I came home 1 week after wedding...
    there was huge fight between mom-dad...complaints to me...
    mom was moody..
    dad was upset with her... completely unpleasant atmosphere

    and then when I am not there, they always say, when will you come.. you never visit.

    These days I tell them., every time I come, it is fights... issues... both of them with an agenda of... you tell your other parent strictly... "this is the last and final warning"

    And then Husband also does not put me first... he talks like a saint when his mom is not here.
    In my mind I know his mom is first for him... and it is only matter of time before she will arrive and take over her son.

    and we have been having parents live with us continuously for almost 6 years... that is also suffocating, since we cannot fight openly. I need to hold my frustrations till we are alone in the bedroom. and my DH obviously does not have so much sense.. and will say something in front of my mom.. and my mom will tell me: don't become a victim like your mom. fight back. :neutral:

    so it is double whammy.....
    sometimes, I think it is a mistake to have married and had kids altogether...

    life is easier and choices are easier....
    if two innocent kids are not depending on you to provide the best...
    I could have just picked up and vanished into thin air... :angel:
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2019
    confused4sure, Jul 13, 2019
    confused4sure, Jul 13, 2019
    #33
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  4. Jul 13, 2019 #34
    Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Also, when MIL tries to take advantage of things in your marriage, make sure you use that as a leverage with her to gain something. Get something back for something you give up. If she realizes she doesn't get anything for free may be she will reduce doing stuff that disturbs you. For example, if you know there is too much MIL time in the family, score a date night with hubby and you or with the kid and you or however combination you want, but let MIL first before you tell hubby so that he cant say know saying, " i don't know how mom will take this". If you can change something, work around it. Just am example, I don't know if it is helpful. But it is your family and you have every right to fight for it.
    And, sorry to say this, but parents are not around forever. Sooner or later your H will come back to you, and you will be that only woman in his life. That is how it is.
     
    Angela123, Jul 13, 2019
    Angela123, Jul 13, 2019
    #34
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  5. Oct 23, 2019 #35
    confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    In December, my in-laws are coming to visit us, and my husband is planning to apply for their GC. As we are rolling into November, I am just getting so depressed. I also have a high stress, high responsibility job, and I can feel myself losing control because of the constant fear of them moving in permanently. :(
     
    confused4sure, Oct 23, 2019
    confused4sure, Oct 23, 2019
    #35
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  6. Oct 23, 2019 #36
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Being fearful is not going to help you .
    Now is the time to take action if you ever want to do so.
    No point in not protesting when there is time and repenting later when all is lost.

    You can put your foot down now and save some of the marriage and your space in it....or lose it all because you will , as you are not happy and accepting of what is coming your way.

    You have worried about your husband's mental peace for so long, you have forgotten about your own.
    Will you be fine if your husband is ' not ' depressed and you are depressed?



    I feel for you .You have very few normal adults in your life .
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2019
    yellowmango, Oct 23, 2019
    yellowmango, Oct 23, 2019
    #36
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  7. Oct 23, 2019 #37
    Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    When it actually dosn't bother you anymore but your H will be bothered on why it dosnt affect you anymore...your acceptance shows in your 'glow' without your effort
     
    Roar, Oct 23, 2019
    Roar, Oct 23, 2019
    #37
  8. Feb 18, 2021 #38
    confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    UPDATE: It has been nearly 14 months since my ILs came to our place. Covid happened, green card application for Its happened, and work from home and online school happened. I am not sure how everyone is coping with living with ILs , but this whole lockdown couldn't have happened at a worser time. I have had long conversations with husband on having our space. The current promise is that, ILs will leave in April to BILs place in US (since they are expecting a baby). I have told him many times, make sure, they go to India from there. Not sure if he ever said that to them. This morning I realized, in the last 9 years, they have lived with us for 5 years... Now they are constantly telling him, of all the three sons, they prefer to be with him the most.
     
    confused4sure, Feb 18, 2021
    confused4sure, Feb 18, 2021
    #38
  9. Feb 19, 2021 #39
    Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    That is because they have successfully managed to brainwash your DH and your DH successfully made you believe that you will always remain No 2 in his life.
     
    Minion, Feb 19, 2021
    Minion, Feb 19, 2021
    #39
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  10. Feb 19, 2021 #40
    MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    If they have 3 sons then they should be splitting their time accordingly. Let me take a wild guess. The other 2 DILs are not as accommodating as you are and the other 2 sons dance more to their wife’s tune than their parents.
     
    MalStrom, Feb 19, 2021
    MalStrom, Feb 19, 2021
    #40
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