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About A Situation With My Father

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by divyarnair, Jan 7, 2018.

  1. RealisticMe

    RealisticMe Junior IL'ite

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    I dont think you can change someone easily or quickly at this age. Your aim should be to tactically make him buy a new house and make him independent. For eg: You could discuss how buying a house is such a good investment, or XYZ location is really a hot location now a days to buy property. You can help them in finding the house and if their is lack on money - at that instant say that let me see if i have some savings i can help you with instead of offering your gold beforehand. There is a long way to go. Talk to your mom first, maybe that will help.
     
  2. divyarnair

    divyarnair Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Rihanna ,
    I am grateful you are understanding. Please don’t be judge mental .My intention of positing was to get different perspectives .I have been loving daughter. I was a good student and my parents never took loan for my studies .Dad still got only 22 lacs from Retirement because he didn’t save his PF money .My husband has always been supportive of my parents financially. And the “losing respect” part was not because he was financially incapable.We never expect anything financially from them . I just want them to have something of their own which can be an investment. They sometimes talk of buying a better car etc which they really don’t need . So it’s better they invest in something sensible before it goes into something else . I am suffocated with these thoughts and I can’t share it to my husband because I feel he will think lowly about my parents.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2018
  3. SRK123

    SRK123 Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry dont have any advice for you but just want you to know that i think there is nothing wrong with your thoughts.. you are not being selfish or anything.. some people dont care enough about saving money.. My father in law is very bad at financial decisions.. he has a habit of building and rebuilding and again remodelling his house again and again - he did that atleast 10 times now with this house, ie almost every year .. he buys one bike, sells it again another new model, buy car get bored, buy another car now again bored. all this within 3-4 years.. Everyone agrees that he wastes all the money, he is popular for that..he recently got retired and then he spend a lot of his retirement money for a grand retirement celebration.. he invited people from all over the district whoever he knows.. like almost 1000 people arrived, he constructed a stage for kids to perform on that celebration.. he paid for the leading news papers to publish this full page ad some big sum of money.. he invited people to come and give speech about his greatness.. (he is very egoistic.. ).. he is not rich either.. my mother in law doesnt have good sarees or gold which she always asks him for.. he never buys.. whatever she has is bought by her two sons..
    now he almost spent most of the retirement fund.. and the rest is already on loan.. Now if they need anything, we can provide for all that but we are also earning with so much hard work, we have kids expenses to take care of, we will happily do it for them if they need help genuinely.. But spending money like water on useless things, and then if they need anything obviously we have to pay for all that.. we dont spend money on useless things for ourselves also.. One should have financial planning...

    Also some people mentioned that - child birth and child rearing is sole responsibility of parents, Why cant elders help us with that if they can? It takes a lot of help to raise children, they also took help from their elders..We help them in so many things too.. Also in that case, there is another rule that your children are not your retirement fund.. I dont want to agreewith any of those two rules .. though people can take care of their own responsibilities, they also need help from family sometimes.. otherwise what is family for? Applies to elders and us too..
    Sorry for long post.. :)
     
  4. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    If they are spending on unnecessary things while depending on you for the basics(which they are doing as you are taking care of the rent) then you have every right to intervene. Please ask them if they really need a car, and if you are not convinced, then push them towards buying real estate. But you have to first do all the research like @MonikaSG said. If you were single it's a different matter, but now it's your and DH's combined money so you can't be careless about it.Wish you all the best.
     
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  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with the first part. If elders are living with us and/or we are taking care of them, then surely they can help us with our children care.
    Children can help parents and mostly they do. But one should not raise a child with that primary objective. It's very selfish. I don't think a parent who raises her child just like an investment with blackmails about sacrifice to get it back is correct. It is our job to plan our finances/retirement , and to raise our child with love to make him/her into a smart/independent human being. When someone raises their child(especially seen in cases of sons) to be an investment for old age, they tend to want to control his thinking from childhood and his life as well.It creates an unhealthy dependency and possessiveness on part of parents, and they end up harming their child's psychology, marriage,life,choices due to this controlling psychology.On the other hand, if we are really in need due to circumstances(and not due to careless planning) we should not feel ashamed to take help from our children. And if we have been genuinely good parents, they will help us without resentment.
     
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  6. divyarnair

    divyarnair Silver IL'ite

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    Totally Agree . I had felt this at some point in my life that my parents used me like a investment. Whenever I asked them about savings they would always tell that they never got any inheritance from their parents and only father is working . With my studies they couldn’t save etc . Note that I always studied in govt college in merit .Somehow my father always kept using his PF money . My mother didn’t have much gold also . I really don’t know how they could not save . They are too much into spiritual and superstitious stuff and earlier use to waste money by buying Lakshmi chakra , ekamukhi rudraksha , lottery ,fengshui etc thinking of good fortune .Whenever I tell to invest in LIC they tell they don’t have much money . Father now has a pension of 17K and I have given them my debit card in case of emergency. I am always worried why they are not taking life seriously . Now all they want to do is visit various pilgrimage places in India and they want to use up the retirement money for that . I am worried this might happen without my knowledge they will use up that money .My current apartment is in an IT corridor and most supermarkets are hifi and for IT people . I did advise them to buy vegetables etc from market because it will be cheaper than supermarket. My father is lazy and when he goes to supermarket he buys vegetables because he doesn’t want to drive to market . And apparently mom likes packaging of vegetables there ?!! What can I say ? Little things that they could do to save but they won’t do it .Their lifestyle doesn’t match their income .Also nowadays they use a lot of Uber to visit temples where as bus stop is right outside my apartment. I feel embarrassed telling them and make them understand these small things .Also my father never allowed me to drive . He was always worried of something happening. He didn’t even allow me to drive the car I bought for them .This really destroyed my confidence in driving . I still haven’t been able to drive . My husband keeps encouraging me . But I am not able to come out of it .I wished I had a father like my FIL. Also my parents want me to call them everyday . They keep asking every little detail . What I cooked etc . Sometimes I lie to them that I made this that . Otherwise they start giving lecture about health etc .Earlier when I was not able to conceive this was what use to hear constantly. About eating out and health etc.My father is stubborn with his eating habits where as my in laws family it is free and no timing. Last Onam was my sons first Onam and I had to spend it at my husbands place . My parents had nowhere to go so I asked my husband to tell his father to invite them here . I was quite busy with newborn and my sis in laws prepared sadya . They were all tired and somehow finished by 1.15pm all cooking . Now they were sitting under fan relaxing and my mother is coming and telling to everyone that my father is feeling hungry let’s have lunch . I mean when you are invited for lunch , can’t you wait till host calls you ? I felt so embarrassed. They do these kind of things . I hope you will now understand why my husband feels things about my parents . I feel so good to vent here .sorry for long post .
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2018
  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    If they did make you feel like an investment, I'm sorry for that.Now that you have quit the job, they should have more maturity to spend the money wisely. You have to explain to your parents that you are in dire situation due to money, and you are taking great steps to control your spending As I suggested earlier you can have them move to a rented place outside the IT corridor , then manage the rent, That way you will be free to profit from your house, and helping them won't be so difficult for you.
    Make sure to sit down with your father and explain that after quitting job you need to rent the apartment to pay the loan, so you will have them move out to an affordable place, and then discuss with him how to manage rent and all. Of-course you have to contribute some part but mainly plan his pension too. But as I mentioned earlier, real estate is not a good investment for older people and their emergencies. Ask you mother to buy gold or other liquid investments. Tell them the importance of saving for medical emergencies since you have quit your job. And then calculate how much is left to make any pilgrimage trips. If some pilgrimage(s) is their dream it is fine, but they can't make it as a regular vacation. That said, you should not have quit job being only daughter,But you had to quit job for your husband. I hope you will atleast provide physical care to your parents in old age. That time don't think now I have to take care of inlaws. Try to balance all your responsibilities and think twice before taking drastic decisions.
    Still, I don't know how come your father has no savings till retirement. It seems from your post you all did not have any major
    spending nor ever bought gold for your mother, so I don't know where your father spent all his money. It seems he spent it on his parents, and now expects you to be like him- is it? If it's attitude issue with him you have to explain many things to him.

    I can understand your pain. I think as you are only child. your parents are highly protective about you. Some parents don't realise how much it harms the child. Parents' job is to teach us skills, as well as the learning ability and courage to pick up skills. Yes it is indeed a great damage to instill fear in the child due to own over protectiveness. It seems you already bought a car for them earlier, and they want to go for second one? This is not correct. Put your foot down about this or atleast finalise the living arrangements first. But still your situation about advising on food , is not so bad as you think. Surely they are more concerned for your health than your FIL.


    Generally if there are older people, we make sure not to keep them waiting for long. We arrange some snacks or something, because at that age they cannot control their hunger- so we can't expect restraint from them in these matters. Don't feel embarrassed- I'm sure your in-laws did not take it in wrong way- being of same age they would perfectly understand the situation. Plus if their own daughter has cooked the food and the occasion is their grandson's first Onam, they are not exactly guests to feel embarrassed to ask.

     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2018
  8. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    Reading your lines I feel you are selfish some times. There are so many people who go on pilgrimages/ foreign trips and tours with their own money. What is wrong if your parents wish to travel. He is getting good pension amount and can surely fulfill all their pending dreams now.

    Your in laws seemed to have become rich the hard way and so for them each penny counts, where as you feel that his retirement fund and pension has been earned easily and so money should be spent wisely.

    You didn't mention as to why your father didn't save his pf amount.

    There are so many old people I know who have to eat food on time else they get acidity or sugar can go down. That was really a silly problem from your side to even mention about.

    It appears that you think very high of your in laws and very low of your own parents. For some people eating out is a cool thing but for others its just ruining your health and wasting money.

    Yes money should not be spent on superstitious things and you should guide them to avoid wasting money on that.

    In your case it would be better that you tell them to live in any other apartment and give your flat on rent to an outsider. You would get income like that and your in-laws would also be happy.

    You are a lucky girl to get good in laws but don't let them think too much about your parents wealth. It is none of their business. You have only mentioned about the car and no other examples of how they waste money. Regarding vegetables I think they would appear very poor in front of neighbours if they go and purchase things from local market and that too travelling in bus especially when they are getting a good pension amount.
     
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  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    :mad::mad:.really
     
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  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    If a person don't have any love or respect to his/her own parents, how he/she can expect others to respect them.
     
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