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About A Situation With My Father

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by divyarnair, Jan 7, 2018.

  1. divyarnair

    divyarnair Silver IL'ite

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    Hi
    My father is a very egoistic person and poor at financial management . He is retired last year and has some savings which is now in FD. I told me parents to stay at apartment in my and husbands name after retirement because they still not have a place of their own and I am their only child . Now I came to US on H4 I want them to invest in some land or house but they are not taking active interest in finding anything. My husband already doesn’t think very highly of my dad but has never shown anything to them. I want dad to gain some respect by buying something of his own . He always expects me to help and doesn’t take initiative.I am not working currently but I am willing to help them with my gold (I paid for it during my wedding). If I say something to my dad about this I am afraid he will be offended like you don’t stay at my place . My apartment is in a prime location and I can easily get very good rent for it which I can pay to the loan for it now that I am not working and help my husband . This is giving me sleepless nights . How can I talk to them without offending them . Please help with some inputs.My husband has never told me but I feel my parents should step up here because I am not working.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2018
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Who paid or pays for this apartment that is in your husband and your names?

    Somehow very sad to read this. A retired person's only child wants him to gain respect (of son-in-law?) by buying something of his own. Willing to also help them with "your" gold makes it all the more sadder.

    Was that gold paid for by your father or you and your husband?

    Better you get your thoughts more organized and think this through before hurting your father with words and not achieving anything tangible for that hurt.

    Retirement and 1-2 years after it can be a vulnerable time for even people who are well off. Be gentle. You are their only child.
     
  3. divyarnair

    divyarnair Silver IL'ite

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    My husband and me (when I was working)paid for it .We still have 30 lacs loan on it.

    And I bought gold for myself with loan at my wedding because my dad didn’t have money . His only saving has been after retirement.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2018
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  4. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Gold IL'ite

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    You can show him some good projects going around and the best loan schemes to invest on it. Go with solution instead of problem that might help.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Still.... let him keep his pride in this age. Don't offer gold so he can buy something of his own. And, prime location of apartment was known even before offering/insisting him to live there.

    If you can help them with money or by having them stay in your apartment, do so. If you cannot, simply say that you need the apartment for whatever reason, give them some time, and let them make own arrangements. His FD, when they will buy own apartment or house, his investment etc. leave it to him. If you want to advise him about investment, do so with an intent other than gaining respect of your husband.

    Good Luck. You know your situation best... Not sure what made you say 'egoistic'. Maybe you have your reasons... Each family has their own dynamics ...
     
  6. divyarnair

    divyarnair Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Rihana .He gets upset and offended when I start talking of his poor finances. After I had my baby recently, there were lot of issues at home because my dad won’t take up responsibility like arranging maid, driving to hospital etc. My husband is really matured for his age and he handled my whole delivery and postpartum single handedly.He travelled from US and his family arranged all the postpartum treatments.After this my husband really lost respect to my father. Also my father did not have any savings or retirement plan . In fact if I did not have a house they would have to go to rented place.But I think then he would have really bought something.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2018
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  7. divyarnair

    divyarnair Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks monika. The problem is he is very easygoing and he doesn’t do anything himself until I brought up this topic. My problem is how to tell him that he can’t be so laidback and has to go and see places .
     
  8. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Gold IL'ite

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    I am saying before starting the topic do your homework then tell him. He will then have the idea from where to start and what to do instead of being puzzled and upset with your words. He personally has to go everywhere even if you tell him everything.
     
  9. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Your husband losing respect for your father because he didn't take care of your delivery/postpartum? First of all, delivery and child care is primarily the child's parents' job, ie., your dh and yours. Be proud and happy that you did it yourself.

    You are mixing many issues like losing respect, not planning for retirement etc. The only issue I see here is that your father is not a good financial planner. That is not everyone's cup of tea. Forgive him and help him if you can.

    Does he have a monthly pension or is he living off the interest income? If he has a monthly pension, then he could consider investing his fund in a small home/apartment. If not, you need to help him invest safely, get medical insurance etc. In that case depending on his monthly income he may or may not be able to afford buying his own place. Don't nudge him too much and send your parents out. Would you be happy if they were struggling to live their day-to-day life?

    If you were his son, would you be feeling different? They are not asking you to support their luxuries, are they? Just a roof over their head. That's the least any child can provide for his/her parents in need.
     
  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Arrangements for delivery and after care should be the responsibility of the parents-to-be. Not sure why your husband is upset with your father for this. And if your dad was never a good financial planner he is not going to suddenly become one overnight. Let him maintain his self-respect and support him as best as you can.
     

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