A very disturbed marital relationship potentially heading for divorce

Clarification : I never said that in my previous post.

 

sorry maa....yeah it was not you....I was referring to below post

 

Generalization.

Thats the case with every couple in an unhappy marriage.

Solid advise + sensible friends == Couple make logical & non-emotional decisions.

Well, if the OP had said cousin is ready to pay alimony, bring his wife back, take care of his child, but just wants a divorce after years of abuse and EMA - IL will brand him as a saint, and that 'the cousin' is unreal. Because in this same thread, I remember a poster asking if that guy is a saint for not retaliating to physical abuse.

Spot on! Agreed!

Very well said!

 

SSC

Not every friend is capable of giving non emotional and sensible advice.....Basically I think that we can share our grief n pain and worries with friends but when it coems to implementing their advice specially related to things like divorce or life changing decisions, we should take a 3rd persons opinion...who has no emotional connectivity to either of the spouse....they have no stake what so ever....

Also remember that when we are in pain, things may appear bigger than really they were...may be we miss something out of the entire situation...may be we are looking from our point/angle....and when we share this with our friend...very few will tell you where you are wrong/right....and even the most strongest will get carried away sometimes....so...take professional help ...and take decisions when we are calm n composed and when mind is clear....not when we are agitated...

there are very few friends who would suggest without getting workedup. and lucky are those who find such friends..

 

No issues.

SV,

Sensible friends know when to suggest possible solutions themselves, and when to suggest counselling/therapy. The advise always need not be them providing solutions to problems. It could also be a suggestion to ask the couple try counselling.

Agree, that its very difficult to give non-emotional advise when you see a friend going through a troubled marriage. In a way, you become so attached to their problem and emotionally connected to your friend's issues, that our logical thinking takes a step back!

 

He needs to bring his wife back and divorce her, since he is on H1 he may have to wait till she can get her green card or he needs to move back to India and divorce, share custody with her. He needs to make sure mother of his child is stable financially, he cannot live in a mansion and have his son live in unacceptable conditions with his ex, as he is a busy man he may not be able to take care of a 2 year old. In that case he is not a saint it is his responsibility, that is how most sensible divorces end. he either needs to scale back on his work or have his ex take care of his child, and it will not work out if she not stable financially, he cannot have it both ways. Once you have a child you need to face consequences and it applies to both men and women. As far as counseling for Indian men it is not a generalization, there may exceptionS but most often not. Indian men are brought up with a sense of entitlement or I am beyond you feeling and in a new culture with different laws they do not opt for counseling when the counselor does not identify with Indian culture. I personally came across two men who refused counseling.

 

2 is not a statistically significant sample BB. I have met 3 intolerable women in my life so far..so shall we call the whole breed of Indian women lousy?
Lets not continue on this path of generalization. Every case is unique and it deserves to be treated as such.Sweeping generalizations help no one. It only breeds negativity and fosters a feeling of hopelessness about a situation.

@Sri I have been around IL for more than a year and a lot longer around the block. Even with closest of friends you really only know one side of the story. What goes on with the couple behind closed doors
is really a huge unknown. This even in real life.

In virtual world things are even more complicated to analyze and suggest proper solutions ....when a lot has to do with how clever a poster is with words.
If we were to be in the business of analyzing the truth behind posts ...then most of them will not see the light of the day. I can bet 90 % of them have only projected only one side of the story. And yet suggestions pour in...Why ? Because we start with a bias that the OP is telling the truth (unless its an obvious troll) and seek clarifications when needed.
There is nothing wrong about wanting to know more than whats being presented...but the way we ask should not depend on the marital status/gender of the poster or the person involved.
It should not depend on whether its the MIL posting about the DIL / DIL posting about the MIL / SIL posting about the brothers wife or the DIL posting about the evil SIL .
The inherent bias we have towards a certain section of the posters and the difference in the line of questioning is what bothers me.
Can we not try to rise above own personal grievances and give every poster the same chance to voice his/her concern?
With this I bid adios to the thread .

 

Yes a big section of previous generation of parents with sons were lousy and always felt entitled, from my own experience on bride viewing ceremonies, as a result we have few girls now, as the result both boys and girls are being affected.

 

Jag in your prevoius post you did say that you would suggest the same OP to gather evidence for divorce.

 

Billybob,
Whichever generation parents are, a marriage breaks because something(s) did not go right. It could be incompatibility, abuse or any other issue. Whichever generation one is in, its wrong to blame the parents. Doesnt common sense prevail in each of us? Wouldnt we evaluate our partner and think if we really want to get married to THAT person??

And as far as Indian men and entitlement goes, its a theory that was in practice (may be) in older generations. These days, men are as equally adjusting as women are in a marriage - house work is equally shared (irrespective of whether the woman is a housewife or not), giving importance to the fact that the wife is a part of the family, making decisions together as husband and wife about every damn thing...

So if you give 3 examples of Indian men having a sense of entitlement, I can give you 10 who are drastically different. If we go about generalizing or categorizing men, we are getting more and more judgemental and biased!



JAG, no please dont suggest that we change our line of questioning depending on the poster being a MIL/DIL/FIL/SIL, because we cannot do that at IL.
Indian men are proud, Indian DIL is always the bechari aurat/bahu, MIL is the villain and SIL her sidekick (thanks to Ekta kapoor and Co). We respond to posts keeping this in mind! If you do not like our line of questioning, then we suggest you change your ways of thinking. Is having a bias wrong? arent women always the damsels in distress??


Well, I have nothing more to post on this thread, thats going tangential and accusing the spirit in which posters come to IL to post their issues!! So let me sign off.