A sad man's life....very very true..he can't cry like a women

Thats exactly the problem of a lot of posts I see here, Satchi! We are so in our feminist world, that rather than giving the OP the benefit of the doubt, we always sympathize with the unknown DIL! Wasnt the H a doctor, before and after marriage? Arent the work commitments of a doctor universal? Didnt she know this before she got married? And then 'n' nof questions about how things were before marriage, post marriage, why a child and blah blah blah! But the real problem is NOW, TODAY, when the OP cannot see her brother going through a troubled marriage. And what can she do about it... Instead, we start second guessing the so-called DIL's side, and take away the credibility of the post! Why would people even be in IL then if a post is not taken at face-value only when its a H who is abused or a MIL who is unhappy with a DIL, or a SIL posting about her brother's wife? Why do we as posters discriminate the OP based on these criteria? Well, I dont want to digress from the thread anymore!

Very well said, JAG!

 

i am expecting more news flashes!

 

Very well said JAG!
Somebody was talking about statistics of abused males vs abused females. This is one main reason, you do not see male abuse highlighted in media(compounded with the fact that even if a male wants to seek help against abuse, there is none available - either from society or from law enforcement).

 

I dont like taking sides. But if OP's brother has not talked to her about then it is wise to stay out of it (unless it becomes a safety issue). I personally have seen this (cannot reveal relations/names). This brother had got married to a woman. even before the wedding, the 2 used to have very heated ugly arguments. but they did get married eventually. then the brothers sister saw some email lying around (in her defense, she wasnt snooping), and it had some details (bad) about her new sil's past. to the sister, it appeared nasty and fearing that her brother was getting duped, she thought about showing the email to her brother. but better sense prevailed and she didnt do it as she thought its none of her business. (something whcih most of us would consider as being cold to her brothers issues). couple of years down the road, she heard both (bro and sil) mentioning about the contents about the email. apparantly her brother knew all about the email and inspite of that chose to marry her. The sister thanked her stars that she didnt interfere and was able to keep her face. what if she had confronted her brother with that email only to know that her bro knew about it and probably wouldnt like it if his sister interfered in his matter (doesnt matter if its good intentions)

same thing here. its ok to ask advise but it would be better if op is posting after her brother has given her permission to interfere in his married life

 

Psych Is it really so simple? As a mother of young boys I never tire telling them each day
"Look out for each other at school or in the play ground. If u see ur sibling or any friend being bullied or harassed....intervene to dissipate the situation....cover for them. Talk to your teacher. Come talk to me. Dont be scared. Dont be indifferent or apathetic to others problems.A bystander is as much to blame as a bully"( by now they roll their eyes...ok ok got it mom!)

How does any of this change if tomorrow one of them ends up with a verbally abusive wife?
Isnt she nothing better than a bully?

A sibling or a friend in an abusive marriage is my problem. Would u suggest a brother /mother to stay indifferent if his sister/daughter is being abused and watch them resolve it amongst themselves? The very reason its come to my attention is because its long crossed that point. Please remember victims dont always actively seek help . They might at best send distress signals. Why different rules for different people? Fighting for equality among sexes is not a one way street.

I dont doubt for a moment that there overly interfering inlaws for some of us ...but can we not stop projecting our lives on every OP. Some times there are real men in real abusive marriages and they need help.

 

JAG, I understand what you are saying. But what appears abusive (verbal only) may be one way of that person expressing the frustrations of her husband not listening to her. The end result is the wife appearing abusive. The relation between husband and wife is ever changing. and if it werent a happy one from begining, you would be more prone to see these outbursts. I might be termed verbally abusive. But my anger are total reflections about my frustrations - not neccessary that I hate my husband. Its because I am not able to get my husband to understand my feelings/frustrations (this is just an example).

If there are physical abuse, then it needs to be addressed.

I have a boy and I too sometimes think what would I do if my future dil keeps fighting with my son and treats me like crap. I thought a lot about it and decided that I would ask my son, if he needs my help/support and if he says no, I would have to respect his wishes and stay away from his married life.

Again, if its posing danger to anyones life, you should interfere. But that would be everyones responsibillity, not just close relationships

The rules are not different for men/women. The above rules to apply to womens parents/close relatives/friends as well. If a woman cries saying DH/inlaws are abusive (verbal), it is best for relatives to not interfere too much. provide a listening ear and hopefully tell them to do something that will create a positive impact on their spouses mind

By the way JAG - We belong (I atleast) belong to the category where i have to deal with a husband whos the only earning member in his family (mil, fil, sil and her daughter) and their subsequent demands and I have a son belong to the next generation with whom I can have no such expectation - kinda like a cigarette with both ends burning -

 

Yes I agree ...but how is it different in the case when a husband verbally abuses his wife?
I can always say may be she irritates him in so many other ways that he lashes out at her. And that happens to be a common excuse of many abusers. Do we buy it ...No ...why ...because when there are differences of opinions ...there are civilized ways to handle them .Abuse verbal or physical is never acceptable and that doesnt change whether it a man or a woman.

Yes Psych ...u just validated the point I am trying to make. At some point in our lives we have to make that call. To jump in whether or not a loved one calls for help . There are many factors that go into making that call. The depth of our relationships with them, our own maturity level and above all instinct that something is not right.
And once we make that call there is no turning back and no second guessing.
I want us to give benefit of doubt to the OP who is trying to help her sibling...that she is indeed talking about more than squabble about the color of the curtains in the house or something trivial.
Asking her to back off is not right.

 

JAG this i agree with you. Its our instincts that would guide us. But what sounded surprising was the way how OP bashed her SIL making her parents sound like gods. That didnt sound right to me.

JAG - if it were you or me writing on behalf of our friend/relation, we would not begin by bashing our SIL and projecting our own parents as victims/gods. We would rather begin by saying that the brother and sil arehaving issues and what can we do to help them. And we would have more information than just saying sil is a nutcase (could be true as welll). Thats what i didnt like about OP's post.

 

Sorry psych ...but dont most posts here start with judgements themselves? My DH is a mammas boy,my MIL is evil....why do we take kindly to them? I dont see just statements of facts.
When I think I or my loved one is a victim ...I am naturally judgmental. Its not correct but its impossible to be otherwise.

 

Its human nature to side with ones kin, friend. Its always the other person who is wrong though both could be equally responsible for the situation.
This post about a sister's concern for her brother who is facing problems in his marriage.As said earlier nobody but the couple really know what happens in the bedroom,sometimes a bro or sis may feel shy mentioning the real problem to family. A counsellor or a third unbiased person is required to advise the couple.
Emotions run high when families of the couple jump in and spoil any further chances of mending the marriage as they tend to take sides.
Blood is thicker than water !!