A sad man's life....very very true..he can't cry like a women

Something just stuck me as I was typing ...why IL rel forum is filled with one train on thought...
very simple...its like a group which grows in a company.
Folks subconsciously hire folks like them.I am guilty of it too. After point unless there is a radical change in group the productivity goes down. If we make sure that none of the OPs whose brothers or sons or hubbies or PIL are victims are sympathised on the rel-forum they never return and in time thats all the posters we will be left with. DILs who are victims...
What a neat process of selection !

 

some posts are missing??

 

Justanothergirl: If one goes through all the posts here you'll see that there ARE few posts were users have said - 'yes, I know a uncle or relative who is abused in the marriage'. Many more would come up with such stories but the thread had started out with such negative line of thinking (negative towards OP, people were doubting if it's a genuine post and the credibility of OP's post), that attitude must have surely scared off other users who may have wanted to come up and speak about their opinion about husband abused in marriage. The problem is that we are not ready to accept that they are all kind of marriages. I personally know people who get beaten by their wives, believe it or not! Of course, a man would never confess such a thing in public like abused wife would do, but it doesn't mean that such things don't exist.

 

On another note:

Megha

I kind of got confused from your last post. Is your brother n SIL in India or abroad?

I have one question for you.....Did you anytime talk to your SIL? (not about the issues nope!!)...just a normal chat as to how is she feeling after marriage....whats the difference...what she does during the day? does she feel bored? does she wants to start working when the kid grows up? what are her interests/hobbies? any thing about shopping or missing her parents etc...

did you have a chance to kind of have a normal chat with your SIL anytime? how did she respond? did you try to call when your brother is not around and say I just called to say hi to you and see how you are doing?

Do you want to try that? I mean just out of blue call her , say hi to her, say its been a while you both had a chat and say sorry that you couldnt be intouch all this while but will be going forward...ask her if she has a fb account if she can create one and come online so that you both can be friends n chat..etc...

what do you think of this?

 

Well Said! I agree 200% with this statement.

 

Just my 2 cents on why a baby in a dysfunctional relationship. Here are some reasons I can think of

1. People don't always behave rationally.
2. For many people in a dysfunctional relation, a baby means new source of joy and happiness, a way to retract from the sorrow of a pain filled relationship with partner
3. A baby also means hope, a hope of getting unconditional love in the future. A baby can mean a total support system emotionally
4. People don't really need to be in-love. They might still go for a baby as they believe that a baby might make their relation stronger (may be true or may be a myth)
5. A baby might be unplanned and might be an outcome of lust than of love.

If we had all the people behave rationally and make righteous and informed decisions all the time, we would never run into problems.

 

As in all threads we read here, we know very well that there have to be two sides to each story - and we generally read only one and accept it for what it says. This applies to stories written here by dils too. We do not try to discredit the thread because we are only seeing the dil's point of view. I am sure if we asked the pils, they would have their own version too.

Similarly, the story here is from the sil's point of view. I can very well understand a daughter feeling bad about her parents not getting the kind of respect she would have wanted her parents to get or for feeling sad when she sees her sil attacking her brother verbally. But looking at all the points she has presented I can see the other side - that of a thoroughly dissatisfied, frustrated woman (husband is busy all day), we do not know the true picture of what has transpired between her and her in-laws. We may not have been told that story. In which case, we cannot offer a true estimation of the situation or suggestions to it. This thread sounds to me like the likely response of a pil/sil to a thread of a dil posted here enumerating her causes of unhappiness.

Assuming all that has said been here is 100% true, we can at best say it is upto the brother to decide what he wants to do with his life and suggest legal ways in which he can get on with it. If the parents and sister feel the man is so deeply unhappy, then it is also an option for them to discuss it directly with him and suggest solutions.

No, I do not suspect the genuinity of this post. It is just that we cannot get the true inside picture from a third person account here and therefore anything we suggest would be highly insufficient to help solve a problem.

 

Exaclty ... Without knowing what is causing your SIL to behave like this, it is highly impossible for anyone in this regard to help you out ... First try to find out what is in your SIL's mind which is making her behave like this ,.. Definelty there should be some problem. Only solving this will help you find a solution for this issue...

 

Thank you for mentioning this point....yes this was the exact reason I asked that question !!! So was the DIL good n behaving well initially?? was there a chance? seems so!!

I understand all the reasons mentioned for having a baby, but dont you think its time to change that train of thought that baby will bring hope n solve all issues? If we can think of woman going to work, saying no to abuse, can we atleast suggest and keep this thought in mind that after marriage there is no immediate need to pop a baby unless the wife/husband are comfortable and see that they have the basic understanding. (many have inlaws issues, thats just normal...but there are some issues you would know the next min. someone is married..issues b/w wife n husband.....)

Babies as much as they bring hope n happiness, people forget to understand that the same emotions are what will make hte marriage more difficult....(we are already seeing OPs brothers situation...cant leave because wife will fight for custody...cant share custody because she may never let the guy see his kid,..thtere is fight over parenting, doesnt sound like a hopeful situation isnt it?)...this was the train of thought!!! infact its like using baby to emotionally blackmail the other party (anyways I guess no point in explaining this anymore)

Last but not least...if we never learn to be rational and make the right decision and always go by emotions and being hopeful....even that wouldnt make any situation better....its like we can wakeup a person who is really sleeping...we cant wakeup a person who is pretending to sleep.

PS: I still think there is more to this story and may be OPs brother is the right person to share info...as the marriage is 5 yrs old and the kid is around 2 yrs.....so they did give time to have a baby...

 

Dear Satchi
I have to but disagree. Almost every post even when the person involved posts is biased. That's just how the human mind works. I do what I do because I think I am right. After all if I think I was wrong I wouldn't be doing it in the first place or seeking validation for it. Its an account of how the person views himself or herself in relation to others. In fact most of the first posts here are judgmental. There are rarely complete neutral accounts...sample statements
My DH is a mammas boy, My PIL created a huge drama,My SIL is evil,my MIL is narcissistic (another fav term in IL these days.)
These are the effects or judgements. There must be a cause Rarely are we told the cause or the events which culminated in the effect. Recently there was a post about a DIL conveniently forgetting to even ask the MIL what she would like to eat before ordering something just for herself and her mom. ( this after the MIL has been cooking for her and her mom). Then she goes on to write about how mean her MIL generally is ,comparisons with SIL etc etc ...totally not related to the incident. A post like this is actually very rare. Without mentioning the incident if she had just talked about MIL ....90 % of the fbs would start bashing PIL again.That's just how things go on here. I rarely see people pause to ask like in this thread..."Why is the MIL doing what she is doing to you ?" "Why does ur DH not respect your opinion about his mother? Did u break his trust sometime? "

I do not disagree with what u say ...I only disagree with the implementation of the rule .


Adding . Men rarely open up about relationship issues . This is one time I will resort to statistics. The suicide rate is higher among men. And when they are in abusive marriages .....siblings or friends are the first ones to sense trouble even when they refuse to see the writing on the wall or seek help. And when these friends or family do see it I dont want them to wait on the side lines. The choice could mean the difference between life and death.
At IL I dont think we should send the message that as a sibling u shouldn't interfere. If my brother were to be in an abusive marriage ...I will interfere even if it means I will physically drive him to the nearest counseling therapist. I am his first line of defense. I dont care a damn what the rest of the world thinks about evil SIL.

TO the OP...rarely are instincts wrong. If u think something is wrong.Talk to ur brother . Suggest /push for counseling ASAP