A sad man's life....very very true..he can't cry like a women

After reading all the posts, I would just like to make a point. Most men in India do not like to share their problems with anybody. They just try to bear the situation. It is a reality that there are meek husbands and dominating wives too. Maybe he is just not able to help himself or not really know how to deal with the situation. I have also seen a couple of examples where husbands were totally dominated by abusive wives who went on to become abusive mother in laws. It takes a toll on one's health too to be in such a marriage..

I also know that some sisters are very fond of their brothers and may be not really understand where the dear brother is failing to become a dear husband to his wife. Maybe he is truly unhappy in the relation but it is also possible that he is failing to understand his wife's aspirations and not able to manage his life.

If the OP's sil is truly abusive and not happy with her marriage, she also needs to change her outlook to make her marriage happy and incase her brother also is not giving his 100% to his marriage, he also needs to change. Like most suggested, I too would prefer marriage counselling for both of them as a first step.

 

hi may be i am deviating a bit from op's post but i have read a thread in IL only in relationship with inlaws the link being http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/136387-mil-major-cause-of-divorce.html
here in that thread op had told "Came across an article, study has shown major cause of divorce in Indian community in Malasia is due to MIL. I wonder if PILs and SIL ever realize that they are destroying their own sons life. Came across a couple who were fighting for silly stupid reasons, SILS and PILs are adding fuel to the fire. most often PIL and SIL forget and forgive their son and sibling's faults but cannot forgive DIL. It is getting difficult to find a suitable bride, without compromises sons and brothers may end up staying unmarried especially if they are divorced.

i very well see how true it can be after reading op's post. it might be true that op's brother has a bad marriage and abusive relationship with his wife but dont u think it could also be that her brother and sil just have some isuues and due to immaturity are fighting at trivial things but just as most of concerning and loving sisters in india are op thinks only her sis in law is wrong !
i believe that two adults who can take most decisions of their life need not be what to do in their marriage. may be op is seeing a big problem where it is a minor issue !
you say that your mother wanted well being of ur sil and told things which ur sil did not like , many of us here know that a lot of time mil's interfere in dil 's life by giving them unnecessary advice and although dil may not say anything at that time she may harbour ill feelings. and this dil and in laws relation is like a silk thread which if once have a knot , it takes time to clear those knots and some knots cant be undone.

my only questions are : did ur brother ever ask u for help ? do u have firm reasons to say that they have problems in their relationship. may be u are seeing a problem which is not so big !!!!

in my answer to that post also i had said that two adults should be allowed to handle their life themselves , with the involvement of in laws and sil in-laws or even girls parents things definitely go wrong. i think no man or woman would like to keep on fighting with their spouse there has to be a reason for any issue .
I am not saying that it could be only ur brother's or ur parents faults but i cant agree with u that its all ur sil and her family's fault !

 

Dear Megha,

We all completely understand ur situation and do not doubt ur intentions however if the two are not ready to come to a common stand, there is a very meek possibility that u or anyone else for that matter can make it work for them...

Remember that it always takes two, to make or break a relationship....I would suggest tht u might be knowin some close friends/relatives of ur SIL with whom u think she might be sharing her good/bad times...If u do, pls talk to them and find out a logical reasonin for ur SIL's behaviour, there might be somethin which ur SIL is expectin from ur bro which u and everyone else is unaware of or she might not be comfortable discussin it wit u or in public for tht matter...

I would say pls talk to ur bro and understn wht is the reason for ur SIL's behaviour, there are some loose threads in this which need to be tightened before goin any further...

Guess, u r tryin to seek a solution for a problem which nobody is aware of....to start with pls dig in get to the bottom - seek the problem first so tht a suitable/appropriate resolution can be thought over....

 

Hi Megha

I don't understand why must you apologize for posting what you did. Women who are stubborn, treat their h and in-laws like dirt and have no respect for the institution called marriage are nothing unique to this world. There are million such examples. There's no point waiting for the mercy of such women. If your SIL doesn't come in for negotiations let her have her way. If your bro really wants he can divorce her, fight for the custody of child and start a fresh, cleaner, stressfree life. It's never too late for that.

 

Irony and sarcasm are all very well, but I think in the same thread a co-poster appealed to other posters to not to pick on her replies given to the OP. (just go to the previous page; you'll see the post am referring to).
I just want to point out that my reply was directed towards OP and OP alone and am not looking for some mirch masala from other users. i would also humbly request you to direct your energy into answering OP's queries directly rather than wasting your time on picking posts like mine.

 

I do not mean to pick on you.I just can't believe someone saying this so easily.And that too a person who speaks so much about DILs should adjust with MIL,SIL and hubby does not want it other way around???????bukbuk isn't it unfair?I could not resist posting this.BTW, I just read your reply to Monita and added few lines.

OP, If you really want your bro to have a happy life please do not advice him for divorce.Did your SIL say she does not want to live with your brother?You still haven't given the clear picture of what the fight is about and what her expectations are.

Megha, I know a person who is very close reln to me.Cannot reveal who it is in PF.The man never supports his wife and daughters in front of anyone and characterwise also he is an ***********.I just cannot tell how he cheap he is.But this man is called a gentleman outside and everybody thinks he is very decent.But only his wife and daughters know how yuck he is and they do not tell it out since he is the husband and father.This man who is 55+ is still the same.His daughters do not like him at all.His wife also does not like him and she fights with him when she finds out something.But this man will never react when there are people around painting a saint image.The wife is so helpless and she is a fightercock for everyone outside and this man is a saint.

I am not saying it might be the same in your brother's case but there are chances that there might be more than what we see.

 

Hi Bhuvnidhi: you are picking on me! You perhaps cannot imagine that it's dil's fault ever in a broken marriage, can you? It's unfathomable for you to imagine that a man can be a victim ever. Man is the ultimate beast, unless he cuts off ties with his parents and follows his wife like a puppy? Comeon, have you never ever seen evil women in your life?

For me, OP's post speaks volumes although she hasn't gone on to explain each and every aspect, which probably will run into a lengthy novel, which you may undoubtedly call a wonderful work of fiction. Because Dil abusing others exists only in fantasies correct? According to OP, her brother and his parents have endured 5 years of pain with a woman who is not ready for negotiations. What really you expect them to do? Would you want her brother to eternally wait for this woman to return to his life? I know a Dil in real life who did exactly this - divorce wasn't easy because of a child for the husband, but ultimately, it gave him some peace. Some marriages are just not supposed to last. And OP's bro's case could well be one. I don't know.

In any case, mine is just a suggestion to OP. Its not a suggestion to the co-posters. So if there's a rule about not picking on users comments, I expect it to be applied here.

 

When we mention on forums that in marriage first comes husband and wife and parents dont matter or are not part of the entire marriage equation....many feel offensive...but your story has proved it...

Unless the couple involved in the marriage are willing to fix it what will parents/siblings do? you guys are just outsiders like any other neighbours/friends...you dont know what happens b/w 4 walls...sometimes you may see whats happening..sometimes you may be confused whether its true or not...

Its your brothers marriage, if he doesnt want to fix it or if he doesnt want to make it better or come out of it and want to live in this type of relationship, do you have a say in it? no. he is an adult and let him decide. he sure knows what made his wife rebel to this extent...and why she doesnt like your parents or you...

so just relax and if you want to help him..all you can do is be empathetic and listen to him if he comes to you with any worries...you can help only when he seeks help from you. you may think his marriage situation is nasty..but for him he may not see anything wrong !! unless he feels the pinch you dont have to bother/involve. leave it to the couple

 

Here is some IL gyan for u Bukbuk.
A SIL is always biased .She has to stay out of her brothers marriage. Period. A simple fact that sibling is the first line of defense for any person is unfathomable to some here. If this post were to be from the DILs sister saying her sister is being abused by her MIL/DH advices and sympathy would have poured in by the truckloads.
Its not so much that a woman cannot be evil just that a DIL cannot be. People go to great lengths to explain that they accept that some DIL can be mean ....but that is strictly for countering people like u or me. They will continue to resist any post that tries to prove otherwise and do everything possible to discredit every line of what the OPs says.