A sad man's life....very very true..he can't cry like a women

yes totally agree! am just asking as to how she was during that time? was she any different? was she ready to start a family? how were things before and after having a kid..

why is it such a bad thing to ask, wheen the wife had such huge fights with everyone including her own husband and this lady doesnt even let her husband eat food at home, so was wondering ...were things always the same? or after teh birth of the baby, she turned out this way?

I dont get this aggressive nature of posts when we ask questions...havent we asked questions, when women post their issues aobut inlaws/husbands? havent we told women to have the right expectations...seems like this forum is kind of torn apart with supporters n non supporters....why cant people stay away from threads or posts if you d ont like what was asked/suggested? Do I have put disclaimer in every thread of mine that the questions were not meant to hurt them but to know more info??


Coming to why anti-DIL posters never return...they do return if the husband posts the questions...because they know in and out of the story...but if sisters or brothers or parents are posting these threads..they wont have entire crux of the situation, they have some info and they may not have other info....if it was the husband who was posting this....he sure will be able to answer every question as he was the one who has gone through the pain day in day out....(its the sam ereason why you see many DILs whoahve issues with inlaws being around because its the DIL who has posted the thread not her brother or sister or mother...so the question n answer thing goes on and the thread remains constructive)

PS: let OP answer my questions, if someone doesnt like my questions/posts pls ignore my posts instead of questioning me and wasting your time and mine.(I may not be right all the time I understand that, but at the same time I dont jump in to bash the other side soon, this is how I handle it....if you dont like it, excuse me!!)

Megha

Remember that you or your brother have to face these questions / remarks when you make the entire issue public...if not today, someday you may have to tell people if you want to resolve this issue....or even if all this goes to court!! dont think that people will just say yes yes your brother is right and she is wrong....law also needs some answers...they will ask questions..so dont think people are not beleiving you. andd will beleive only the wife....just remember that when you are answering questions, you will gain more clarity on the problem or what to do with all this....people are asking questions so that its kind of evidence gathering thing. take it positively instead of this thu-thu mein thats going on in this thread. no one is against you or your brother. and whether someone beleives it or not...you /your brother know what is the truth!

 

I agree with SV.
Not that a sister can't post about her brother's problem or not be worried about his well-being and peace in the family. I too was wondering how two people with such a dysfunctional relationship have a baby? If the baby was the result of what they DID share, wasn't there anything more? Or is the OP not aware of something that could cause such unrest between them?

Megha, has your brother ever openly talked about anything going on between him and his wife with any of you? As a sister and as parents you will find it difficult to watch what goes on. But do you know the cause for it? There must be some reason.

I understand what you see does sounds disturbing. But you never know what is between just the two of them. A man and a woman's life is just theirs to decide upon. Yes, outside help becomes necessary at crucial times, but even so you can't decide who's right and who's wrong unless you know every little thing happening between them.

I am not saying what his wife is doing is right. But there should be some reason for her to behave so and I presume your brother knows more than he cares to reveal. Not that he is making the mistakes and trying to cover them up, but he himself might think he could handle it between him and his wife for what ever reason he is yet to reveal.

 

yes sister can post abt brother but your earlier question was about credibility/beleivability of a situation, i pointed out folks on the forum give more credibilitye if the husband or wife post abt the marriage rather than 3rd party to the marriage (marriage is between the husband and wife).

 

To OP,

Has brother come and talked to you abt problems in marriage? has he communicated with you that he is unhappy and fed up with wife etc.? If so then it would point to the fact that your bro is indeed in a troubled marriage. If not, you might bring up the subject yourself "brother, is everything ok between sister in law and you? "

My first instinct would be to not bring up this subject at all (2 adults in a marriage should be fixing the problem themselves, however this is not always the reality). So you might bring this up with bro if you are very troubled with the situation. See what he says. If he brushes off your concern then let the 2 folks directly involved in the marriage sort things out.

Earlier I had pointed out that sometimes the man's family thinks their son/bro is v unhappy in marriage when this might not really be true.

This had actually happened in my family - my aunt and cousin sis used to call me up and say with tears their son my cousin bro is so unhappy in marriage the new wife doesnt give him food doesnt take care of him fights with him etc. (my Aunt and cousin sis r very nice people in general, not the witchy shashikala type of hindi movie mil they show in the movies). When i talked with cousin bro (just general when visiting them not abt marriage troubles) I used my own judgement and understood they were newly married going through their own paces as a new couple (the sil didnt know proper cooking then so my cousin bro would sometimes cook - this gave impression to my aunt and cousin sis that since my cousn bro has to cook sometimes he is not getting deliciuos food and tea in morning he must be suffering terribly). Also, they would have difference of opinion, argues, once fought (but no abuse or gaalis or anything) - it was simply part of them learning to live together as a couple as part of arranged marriage. But i observed my cousin bro as being v patient n understanding with his wife, encouraged her, was loving, and today this sil of mine is a great homemaker, with 2 lovely kids. My cousin bro was also v smart, he kept his mom and sis at a distance for 1st few yrs of marriage, till the marriage got strengthened - so his wife was not adversely affected. My cousin bro was smart, he didnt fight with his mom or sis, kept talking with them, but cut down on visits n fone calls saying his new job, so busy, etc etc. He's a smart guy, kept his wife happy because he knew a happy wife is a happy life, didnt let his mom n sis have negative impact n his own family life n wife by keeping them at a distance for some time saying oh new job so busy you know, but never yelled, fought, did drama with them, and today after nearly 12 years of marriage they hve a strong marriage and also a healthy relationships with his mom and sis. They(my aunt and cousin sis) too got the message (without too much drama) that their "advice" "well-meant thoughts" were not taken to heed by my cousin bro, so after some time they simply stopped saying well meaning advise as they didnt see any impact.

By the way, my aunt and cousin sis didnt give advise to their son/bro in order to break up his marriage or create trouble, but simply becasue they felt he must be in pain, not getting good food n tea, his wife is not listening etc. and they wanted him to have happy life.

Its takes a smart (and self aware) man to know how to balance relationships (and my cousin bro loves his mom and sis v much!) and a dumb man to keep helplessly failing to keeping his mom and wife happy and being pulled between the 2.

For men who might be reading this, if you are facing such a situation, be smart and diplomatic, dont fight, do drama, but be smart and subtle, manage all relationships - prioritize your marriage in the first few years (just say soo much work, what to do), once it has been stabilized, you are home safe. In the meantime, dont give too much ear to what other well meaning folks might be "advising" you on YOUR marriage, be a man, and use your brain, and keep drama out of your life!

 

Well said , Yesican!If the men knew to balance between relationships, most of the problems might be resolved.

 

Maybe bro and his wife are facing rough weather over some issues. But generally no DW starts quoting the law on her own just like that. Maybe she was threatened with a volley of legal jargon by her DH ,the OP's bro (D word perhaps). Could be that even the OP does not know the full details. Bro could be hiding some facts, anything is possible.
Having a baby in a troubled marriage is not such a big deal. There are moments of tenderness between bouts of fights. What made the marriage a disaster after a couple of months of happiness?
Its normal to take the side of ones kin and paint the other person black .
It would be good if the family ie parents and sis refrain from widening the rift between the couple.Give them space, many marriages have been broken by well-meaning families.
Having said that Bro is an adult and can make his own decisions.He can divorce her.
Generally the sympathy is with the wife unless the H is ones kin.
Our parents are always perfect PILs , we are ideal SILs and the brother /son is always the perfect husband. :thumbsup

 

OP

If your brother stays in India, ask him to contact men help organizations.His wife looks like an abusive personality and he might get into depression if he continues to tolerate her.He may be scarred emotionally. So tell him to take some decision quickly. And do continue supporting him.

 

Woah, I guess in our country, even most women don't take help of women's cell unless they are severly or physically abused... And sometimes even after getting abused she don't prefer to take help of such women's cell so as to not hurt family's reputation. But I can see here, how you are trying to judge Op's sil as abusive personality without even knowing other side of story. Its good that some organisation has come forward to help real victims of false dowry/DV cases, but how many victims they actually helped? From what I heard is what they are doing, to some extent like few feminist organisation, they too are wanting media attention, by overhyping false cases abused by women, by overhyping multiple times about the statement or "Legal Terrorism" once given by SC judge, & overhyping men's suicide cases, giving illusive figures of suicide of men in India, they too are wanting to prove that men commit suicide because of wife and even wife can be abusive towards husband. But if they say, that laws are being abused by women, then aint their services are being abused by men? This is good (sarcasm),:biggrin2: if any men is not able to deal with "nagging" wife, (no matter if she is genuinely nagging if she is frustrated by husband or in-laws) or if he wants to get rid of wife without paying her 'alimony', then its good for them,:goodidea:Harhar first provoke the wife in a way that she starts yelling and nagging,record all the naggings of wife, then go to such organisations and portray oneself as poor abused husband. :eek And say, see, its wrong only men can abuse, omg, look at me, :-o I am the abused men and my wife is abusing me.... :shock::tongue omg, mg: help me, save me from my wife.. :hide: blah blah blah.. :rant . A wife's nagging will be projected as abuse, but maybe nobody will try to find out that what is leading her to behave that way.. You know what during childhood, my younger sister cunningly bother me, she will touch hot spoon on my finger or pull my hair from back or pinch on my waist, and I shout or yell as I could not keep patience, now my parents will hear my shouting, but will not see her doing that, and they will blame me for spoiling peace of home by keeping shouting... This is how it is, when married women yell, shout, do nagging, quarrel to her husband, she is tagged as impolite, disrespectful, karkasha, etc., I agree that women shouldn't do that, but maybe impatience or insecurity is in her nature, and in addition in-laws or husband causing trouble in marriage could be triggering her or frustrating her even more. Question here is that, if a women takes out frustration on her husband, complaint him about his family, quarrel with him about his family, not wanting him to see his family, then what actually is leading her to act that way? We are here knowing only one side of story, what an be other side of story?

 

In my point of view u should try to help them, by posting this i dont think this is good.And most important thing this all is written by you,who know that whatever u r saying is true.This is totally ur point of view.May be ur sister in law she might having some problems with u and ur family.WHO KNOW.?????????????

 

I want to ask the OP that from what I find in her post...the biggest problem with her brother's wife is that she is quarrelsome. But no where do I see in the post what does she quarrel with her husband about....what are her exact points of difference?

Don't mind it...as a sister in law, you're judging her on something you cannot exactly know about.....I mean how can a sister in law know in entirety ALL the points of disagreements of a couple from bedroom to monetary differences to relations. I mean there are some valid objections you can raise against your sister in law and its then you could stand up against her....e.g. if she barges in your parents place and abuses everyone, or if she steals stuff from your place, or if she commits acts of violence with anyone, if she is mentally ill, if she has been fraudulent in some way...

But if all you have to say is that she is quarrelsome......then its very difficult for you or anyone else to judge anything from that situation unless the reasons of quarrel are listed in entirety and absoluteness.

Having said that, I am sorry for your family and brother......but I assure you, you need to dissociate from his problem, being an adult man he has to deal with it himself. The biggest thing, in my opinion, you can contribute to his peace of mind is....not get too worked up about quarrels and be cheerful, and not discuss your sister in law with your brother....so that he can have stress-free moments with you all. You MUST not intrude unless there is clear domestic violence involved. Consult a lawyer if what she is doing is DV or not....if it is not, please try to relax.

Most people have to face problems in life....your brother is one of them, be positive..he is capable of finding his solution himself.