A Quack Quack Here, A Quack Quack There

A Quack Quack Here, A Quack Quack There

Let me start this piece with a childhood memory. when I innocently believed that “Quack” only stood for the sounds ducks made.

Once during a trip down south I was going for a walk with dad . We chanced upon a clinic. The Doctor’s signboard proudly announced his name first, then his degree “RIMP (Edinburgh)”

He’s a quack””. Dad declared and I had visions of ducks running through the good doctor’s sitting room. Looking at my puzzled expression he explained that “quack” meant a fake doc without medical qualifications.

“But what is RIMP” I asked. “It simply means Registered Indian Medical Practitioner and it is not a degree” dad said. “And you don’t register an Indian medical practitioner in Edinburgh”

Later there was another guy in my neighbourhood, He had dropped the “I” and was just RMP (London). . Once when I had fever, my mother took me to him as many had told her that he was a “rasiyana doctor” ( The English translation of the Tamil phrase escapes me. The nearest I can come to it is “effective doctor” or lucky doctor”).

It turned out that our RMP was obsessed with stools. No not the pieces of furniture but what emerges from our bowels. As soon as he saw my face he said “Get a stool test done” without even bothering to take my temperature or prodding me with his stethoscope. And he wanted the test done in a particular path lab. Obviously he got a cut from the lab owner. But why only stool and why not urine or blood? This remains a mystery for me even now.

Then there were few quacks here and there but soon it is likely to be everywhere a quack quack thanks to a new medical bill being brought by the government.

The bill knocks the Medical Counci of India dead and brings in a new body and then goes on to ensure that everywhere there’s a quack quack.. Under the bill practitioners of Ayurveda, Yunani Siddha and Homeopathy (AYUSH) will be allowed to practice allopathic medicine, once they complete a two year “bridge course”. Hold your breath they can even perform surgery!!

Oh What a great idea sirjee!!!!!!!My sole grouse with the bill is they have left out babas tantrics and astrologers from its ambit. They should also be allowed to be licensed to practice allopathic medicine Who knows they may have hidden medical skills (Wouldn’t it be nice to have a surgery performed on you by your friendly family astrologer?).

Here is a college day memory for you. When I Used to travel to college by bus I used to see notices pasted inside the bus about a “Cancer Ummoolan Baba” who completely cured cancer patients with little help from his favourite deities Kali Maa and Hanumanji. Some years later Some years later after the AIDS pandemic broke out, I found that our Cancer Baba had had widened his field of operations. He now promised complete cure for HIV/AIDS casea with rhe blessings of Kali and Hanuman of course.

At a time, when medical scientists have proved their incompetence by not being able to find a cure for HIV/AIDS don’t you think people like our dear baba should be licensed to practice medicine? Of course here let us not forget the very telegenic Nirmal Baba who promises to cure (yes CURE) diabetes with the help of rasgullas. I suggest, why I demand that astrologers and babas be allowed to set up clinics under the bill.

There are many other equally interesting and people-friendly provisions in the bill but I will have to write a book to express my views on them. I am too lazy for it. But I will make a humble suggestion to our honorable members of parliament. As soon as this bill becomes a law they should take steps to increase their perks (OH, they just love to do that at the drop of a hat. Try increasing your pay and perks on your own at your office. You will be chucked out as a nutcase. But these mighty men and women can achieve that impossible thing) The perks should include complete free medical treatment abroad in USA or UK at state expense (read at YOUR expense) for themselves and their families . After all, we cannot afford to lose such worthies to (mis)treatment can we?

 

These Jhola chaps talk in a way no one comprehends and a lot, why even majority of people believe that a thick soup made of incomprehensible words must contain something profound. That way these guys get away with murder. A quack will use more medical jargon than a qualified doctor.

 

Tamrakshar the government's solutions to the problems of healthcare are becomi9ng increasingly ridiculous. Now the latest is the government of Gujarat has come up with a brilliant solution to the problem of doctors' shortage. In schools some selet kids will be designated as "bal" (child) doctors and they would be provided ayurvedic drugs and booklets on healthcare to tend to classmates falling sick. I appreciate the catch 'em young stuff but this is a bit over the top. You are talking of rural healthcare. Is there any guarantee that that the the AYUSH doctors will serve in the rurakl areas? They will remain where the money is -- cities. The plan sounds like trying to boost the number of tigers by putting domestic cats through a bridge course and releasing them in forests.