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A new start - Need your inputs:)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Tugga, Jun 4, 2011.

  1. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all

    I dont think you need a brief about my life here....

    Just thought of starting a new thread, as I dont wanna continue anything of my past from now onwards.

    I have gotten back my money (though almost 50% of my earnings have been wasted/invested for my IL's luxaries - Ok, never mind) and the land deeds are with me now (though its still in our joint names).

    Had a very blunt talk with ILs about all the past happenings and their inteferences. Involved my FOO in this regard to threaten ILs, as they know my family is far better off and influencial one than theirs. So, I am sure they will think twise before poking their nose hereafter. (they are new to this town).

    Now I want to start a new life... if not for me, atleast for the future of my LO.

    Last night H called me and said he is coming on Monday for a visit... Unlike other days, he was so nice this time and wanted to see us.
    I am sure he will come up with 10000000000000000s of SORRY and begging for his nasty behaviour.

    On the other hand, FIL visited yesterday and he pretented to be so nice. Just day before yesterday me and my bro gave him a nice lesson for what he was doing all these times. But this man seems shameless:(

    I am looking for a job, house and a servant... and hope I will find everything soon.

    I have something in my mind, that i want to discuss with DH when he is around.. and I want to get your opinion on this. Coz I know i am confused. Postpartum is normally a depressed phase for any woman, and my case is an extreme as I am facing so much family issues after the birth of my LO. So, I just dont want make any imptn decisions on my own at this stage, hence I ask your opinions before I make such an imptn life decision of mine.

    I am going to tell DH that I am done with this reationship. All these while I trusted him so blindly as I didnt want to give a second thought of doubting him in anything. My love for him was so true. I always been a loyal wife to him no matter what.

    I listened to him, and did what he wanted. coz i loved him.
    My family members, friends and you online forum members repeatedly advised me to be cautious on this man. His behaviour has created doubts in everyone around me, but my poor mind didnt want to believe them,rather I trusted this man.

    Recently I found out that he has taken INR 300,000 from our J acc (thats a diff story), and he said he has taken this money for my maternal expenses, but at last my bro has spent everything from his own pocket and DH didnt re deposit anything.
    On the same period my FIL has renovated his home and that estimated cost should be the same.

    He never shared his salary details with me dispite me asking so many times. He never spent any cent on us either. When I asked him to give some money for me and LO during last April, he gave me INR 50,000, but now i discovered that he has taken that amount also from our J acc.
    And he has no other savings... which means, he was giving his entire pay cheque to his dad, and touching our J acc for his dad's additional request by leaving his wife and kid to beg from others.

    Recently my FIL was telling that he wanted to buy an AC and a car soon. Which means, he has already planned to empty our J acc for this purpose and that's why he was damn against my plan for building a home now (using that money) and my DH too had the same opinion in this.

    After knowing all this, my heart doesnt want to excuse my DH now... Even if i excused, he wil repeat the same in no time.

    I am not angry on him for draining my money, but using my love and trust to cheat on me.
    He could have killed me and taken my insurance than hurting my love like this. I am so hurt beyond words:(

    So, I am going to tell him that he can live with his parents, spend on them as long as he wants. I am not going to bother him.
    But he shouldnt visit or contact me from now onwards... I know i can manage my life on my own (till now he spent nothing on us). And none of his relatives should come over here to see the LO.

    He can take even 10 or 1000 years for this, but after fullfilling all the neeeds of his parents/siblings and after knowing that there wont be any inteferences from them only he can come to live with us. Coz i dont want to make him as a cheater of love anymore, and if i continue to live with him, i will continue to trust and love him blindly.. so living apart is the only way to save my LO from all the future dissaster.
     
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  2. kAlyaniShAnti

    kAlyaniShAnti IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Tugga,
    My best wishes to you and the LO for a peaceful and happy life. Hope you get settled soon with a job and other amenities to live an independent life.

    The decision you have taken is a quite hard one and you have to be absolutely strong to stick to it. I hope this is a conscious decision by you, though it is true that given the situations you are through I would say this IS the right decision.

    While discussing the matter with him, you have to be absolutely strong and refrain from showing any sign of weakness, if you want to stick to your decision. If you are mentioning about your unflinching love for him etc, he might try to exploit you on that ground.
    Even if you do love him or continue to love him, you should never express it to him, if you are absolutely serious about what you resolved to do.

    Make up your mind as to what you are going to say, be curt and to the point.

    However, my advice will be to get a job first and get settled then discuss the initiate the discussion with him. Is it that much required at the moment to start such a discussion? It is highly likely that he might create a tantrum over the issue, which will certainly affect the status quo and might delay the need of the hour - getting settled financially should be the first priority if you ask me.

    Give it a little more time. Be settled. Then proceed. That way you get time to read your mind more clearly, his also and about the future.

    Good luck

     
  3. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Well, thanks for your advice kalyani

    He is coming home in two days, and i am sure he will come to me like a very loving husband.
    Definitely there will be some fake promises, and lovly gifts to prove that he has changed. If i dont talk now, i will have to either act or fall for his fake dances. That's why I wanted to talk to him NOW and make a decision to move on.
     
  4. kAlyaniShAnti

    kAlyaniShAnti IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Tugga,
    My best wishes for you, the brave girl!
    Love
     
  5. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    KS and T, one thing we guys must be ashamed of ourselves. Our education, our profession has not helped us to be smart. Academic smartness is insufficient, we need to be worldly wise. This is a lesson that we have learned a hard way.
     
  6. dream.girl

    dream.girl Silver IL'ite

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    100% agree CW:exactly:
     
  7. pman16

    pman16 Platinum IL'ite

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    Tugga, keep the original land deed documents in a safe place and not at home. If possible, have the copies too seperately.
     
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I think seperation/breaking up is an extremely hard thing to do, so I urge you not to rush into any decisions to break up from him.

    I DO think you need to move on with your life. Which means getting a place of your own, a job, seperate bank accounts, and planning how you will bring up your son as a single parent. However, I think in your heart you still love him, and in a way, a child needs both their parents if possible. So I think you should give him a chance if he wants it. As in, he could come live with you in your new place, help contribute towards the bills with his own money (i.e. you both would have seperate accounts), and you could take it from there and see how it goes. If he can't get his act together, then you could always ask him to leave. Basically, if you gave him a second chance, he would need to play by your rules. He has made the mistakes, so it's HIS job to earn back your trust. If he doesn't want to make an effort, then I think you are right to split up from him. But if he is willing to put the past away and give it one more GENUINE try, then I think it might be worth while.

    But you need to carry on your life whether he agrees to change or not. Even if he comes to his senses, you still need to get a job, get a servant lady, and get on your feet because with him you never know when he's going to fail you again. If after some years you see he hasn't failed you, then I think you could go back to trusting him. But right now, you need to move forward. If he wants to tag along, I think you should let him IF he is going to change his ways. If he doesn't want to tag along and change, then you know what to do.
     
  9. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Well, you know you shouldnt fall for this. The first time he deceived you - you have an excuse that you were naive and trusted him. But now that you have realised that, dont fall for this.

    My suggestion is to put this on hold.. dont make impulsive decisions. Right now, completely concentrate on getting a job and getting equipped to start living independantly as a single mother. Dont let your DH influence your decisions.

    Even if you patch up with your DH,going forward, never sharing accounts, money and property. Yes, ideally among DH &DW, there should be no "my money" and "your money" and it should all be "our money", but in your case, this sharing thing has been entirely one sided with you yourself having no control on your savings.

    Set the expectations clearly - If your DH needs money, he should plan accordingly and save from his salary. If his parents AC and car... they should find a way to pay for it.

    When you get a job, you dont even need to tell DH how much your new salary is, what you spend money on etc.
    Let things go on between you and DH with no sharing of salary and accounts for sometime. Observe how he is with you and the baby when he knows that he will not get a single penny from you.Then, based on that make a decision on whether to continue the relationship or not.

    IMO, building a house, making a long term decision on your relationship with DH etc are not the priorities right now. Till you get a job, you are dependant on others.I am sure by now you have learnt it the hard way that without a job you cannot expect your DH to support (financially or emotionally) you and the baby. Dont let these things upset you, instead entirely focus on getting a job as soon as you can.
     
  10. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Tugga, the money is still in the joint account? I don't get it? Are you only thinking about yourself or are you also thinking about your LO. To me it seems, that you are still keeping a door open for a future with your husband, which is good and fair, but if you know what might happen to the money, which is a security blanket foremost for your LO, you should safeguard your assets.

    Once you tell your husband that it is over for good, he surely will have to moral dilemma to empty the joint account. Or are you so sure, that everything will be fine again and dont want to upset him by taking that step (to transfer the money a separate account) first?

    could you buy a house for you and the little one with this money?
     

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