A New look to Solve the problem with In-laws!

‘Silence is Gold', remain silent & by silence you can achieve what you want! This is the mantra taught by my mother who was in the joint family for more than 25years.
I follow her footstep. Like any normal in-laws, my in-laws too have spoken/ accused not only my parents, grand parents, great- grand parents...but they have pulled down my whole sect down! However, I remained ' quiet'. I know they were talking non-sense. I don’t want to argue/talk back/prove my self through words but through silence. My silence will torture them; it will take not my peace of mind but theirs. Being an educated person, we should deal the situation through mind & not through emotions or sentiments!

Getting respect / self-respect, it is all in one's hand. Well, out of an anger/frustration/depression they will definitely kill their D-L through words...they will wait for our side defends but that it will never happen in my case. When their son is back from his work, they will be awaiting to complain about me. But my husband knows his wife well, he has more trust & confidence in me. As I mentioned earlier, after all they are also human beings. Being old & weak, they feel in secured, suffer from inferiority complex, they are jealous of my well-being & help-less. By remaining silent, I am able to understand their feeling but my silence...is a mystery to them. It is a mask to me, a thin wall protects me, they are unable able penetrate’ what I am thinking with in’. That gives them a fear & nowadays they are double careful while talking with me because I have more inner strength & will power than they do.

To conclude, women...when ever a storm arises in our house. I will remember Swami sukbodhanananda’s speech. He had once said that if someone/somebody talks ill about you just close your ears do not take those words, problems will arise if only you take it personally.

Well, this is how I deal with my in-laws. Many may not accept & agree with me but it works !

 

Wow !!! Change such a wonderful post.
agree with u completely,particularly when u say that we should not take silently in laws scolding and bad mouthing our parents and siblings.
Hats off to u.:hatsoff
Hope girls read this post and understand what u r trying to tell us all.
My gud wishes to u sweetheart,where ever u r,do have a great life.

Suji

 

Ok Change

You enjoy your moment of "attention" here. I have deleted my responses to your "personal" thread.

I hope you are peaceful now.

Thanks,
Ria

 

I agree entirely with all those who do not espouse silence as the response. Silence means that one validates the injustice and disrespect. That is why the current generation of women who are highly educated don't have to resort to silence. Mounam sammati lakshanam.

Education also means liberation from slavery to archaic expectations, attitudes etc. If 30 years ago I could tell my MIL who told me that in- laws are more than my parents that it ain't so as my parents are the only family that I have known and they will be always more than them ! Well, I am proud to be born into Basavanna's legacy and I don't want to let him down after 8 centuries that men and women were created equal and that is how it will continue !
I was way ahead of my generation to think I don't need to bear any atrocities in silence and not bow my head down to anyone unless out of respect. And that respect has to be earned.

As the first generation of highly educated mothers we will be letting our daughters down if we don't teach them self respect,independence and courage to stand up to any kind of abuse. So for all of you out there don't bear anything in silence !

Often times I think of my beloved mom who took all her suffering to her grave and I can only cry that she couldn't confide in anyone including her four daughters because she was expected to suffer silently. Remember a squeaky wheel gets the oil !

 

Mounam ardhangeekaram ( silence is half agrrement is the literal translation). So if you are silent then you are half consenting to the treatment meted out to you. One doesn't need to be rude in expressing their feeling of injustice. Nor do they need to bear in silence.

I totally agree with this :

but also teach them not to loose their cool in the process

Mounam sammati lakshanam (silence is the mark/ trait of good people) is only applicable when you don't agree with their view point when no percieved abuse is involved. Here you just don't care enough about the issue to let your differing opinion be heard.

 

I completely agree with silence is not always the answer. In my case silence was definitely not the answer. I too saw my mum suffer at the hands of various people on my dad's side of the family. She had to listen to so much and bear so much bad treatment even though she was and is one of the most loveliest people you could ever meet. As a child I was a witness to all this and vowed in my heart that one day when I'm older I would never ever let myself be treated that way and if I ever saw anyone treat my mum like that then they would have me to answer to. I have children of my own and I will be teaching my children the value of self-respect and also of respecting others. But the most important thing to me is 'na mara suno na mara bolo' ..... meaning don't listen to bad things and don't say bad things.

When I first got married I used the silence is golden method with in laws. I listened to a lot and my nights were spent crying in my pillow because inside all i had was anger and resentment towards these strangers who didn't know anything about me but dared to judge the people who have loved me since I was born and taught me and made me the woman I am today. I finally snapped when the words just got a little too deep and it started to affect the relationship I had with my husband. I had been good dil, always polite to everyone that came to the house and everyone that lived there. Always in the kitchen cooking and preparing dinner, washing dishes, taking in laws to visit relatives. Never said anything bad about their son or them to anyone inside or outside of the house..... but they still weren't happy so i decided I might as well be happy!

After 7 years of marriage I have learned that sometimes it is better to wait a bit before reacting - I don't regret the things I said to in laws but maybe the manner in which i said could have been better thought out. I wish I had calmed myself down and said what I needed to say instead of being hot headed but not once have I sworn or said anything nasty to my in laws. All I ever did was challenge their lies and let them know that as a girl of todays generation I have total right in deciding how I want to live my life. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

Sorry to go on for so long but this is just my humble opinion and I hope god gives me the strength to carry on this way because at least God knows I don't say anything to hurt anyone and I don't want anyone doing that to me.

 

This is to clarify that Mounam sammati lakshanam means translated "silence means approval( sammati). This is in kannada.
When one is silent in the face of abuse you are validating the treatment by your silence.