1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

A Long Going Problem...

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by rosemary12, Apr 25, 2017.

  1. rosemary12

    rosemary12 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    212
    Likes Received:
    182
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    I need a reality check of what I am doing. A little background:

    My father had an illegal affair with a woman at work. I found out first, informed mom and when he wouldnt stop, had major drama, lots of crying and bashing. End result: Mom decided to turn a blind eye, I hated my father for a long time, would not talk to him. Everyone pretended like nothing happened and I always thought the affair continued, though my dad was very smart in hiding his stuff.

    A couple years later, Dad faced a huge business loss, I was working for him, but had no guilt and left to US with hubby. I am working now and started to feel guilty for leaving him during a critical period. Started to talk to him normally, we all pretend like nothing happened. My DH knows nothing of it as it all happened before marriage. Planning to never tell DH as though he is good he has a sharp tongue and will not think twice to throw this at my face during one of our arguments. Mom and I talk about everything under the Sun but this.

    I always had access to dad's official email id. He shared it with me once and forgot about it. I had the habit of checking on it once in a while if he was doing anything behind my mom's back. Recently found out he was still buying "intimate gifts" for the woman in an online site. Ignored it as I didnt want to start any drama. I was battling infertility and didnt want to add more drama in my life.

    Back to now: Currently I am pregnant. I am working here in US. But I still work for my dad's India office, sometimes even late night. DH is very angry I am spoiling my health but I feel so guilty. Dad has no help back home and this is the least I could do to help him.

    Last month from his email came to know that he was still buying stuff online not only for the woman but also for his son (some books). Ignored it again, but just cant stop myself from checking his emails. I was also having a doubt that he started a relationship with another woman. But was not confirmed. Today when going thru his emails, confirmed he has started a relationship with woman 2 (one of his friend's wife).

    What I feel: Ideally I should stop all communication with dad and cut him off from my life. I talk a lot about woman empowerment and equality, but when it comes to my dad I know he is doing some realy disgusting stuff but I am unable to hate him. I still feel sorry for him and help him. I am really like in 2 minds. Unable to stop going thru his emails, cant hate him as well as cant stop helping him even if it sometimes affects my health. I dont even know what I am looking for here in this forum. I feel angry at myself for this. Cant imagine my DH doing this stuff. Had any woman approached me with advise on how to handle this type of a husband, I would have told her to just quit the marriage. Why am I like this now? Am I not strong enough like I thought I was? I feel sorry for my mom. May be she knows and she is ignoring it for her own sanity sake.

    Please help me out how do I handle this?
     
    Loading...

  2. suasin

    suasin Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    305
    Likes Received:
    544
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear OP,

    I remember reading a very good story of JK.. Whether it is father and daughter or friends, some personal things are sacred. It is your mother's place to question him.

    I cant believe you are checking on your fathers secrets. It may sound harsh but you are crossing decency. If you want to say it, say it to your mother abd let her deal. Its none of your business in the first place, why do you want to involve your husband?

    I am not justifying your fathers actions, its just not your business. Concentrate on your health and pregnancy.
     
    BhumiBabe and AnooSA like this.
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,117
    Likes Received:
    2,686
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Its good that you are helping your dad
    in his work.
    Don't ever tell your husband about his infidelity. It will always backfire.
    Regarding his affairs, tell your mom.
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,469
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    1)why you like to help your father?
    2)You love him and wanted to help or you like to spy on him?
    3)If you love him, just help him as a dad and for no other reason

    You mom knows the stuff, lot of Indian women just deal with it as they don't have the courage or not able to deal the social issues.So, they just choose to live under the roof despite knowing stuff.So don't add more irony to your mom by digging your dad affairs.Ideally, t won't matter weather man to have one affair or 10 affairs when he won't respect his own wife.

    your dad only realizes when he hit by old age or any other health related issues.I am 100% sure, your mom will be there for him that;s how our society designed unless your mom had super special skills where she could rescue herself from your dad.

    There is no reason for you to help your dad when you are not 100% happy with him.what he is going to do with the money??I would advise, stop helping your dad and take care of your health and your family.

    Even if your husband gets to know, dad .he would backfire on your for helping dad.
    So take a break now and you have a good reason.I won't unhappy even if my dad fails when he doesn't maintain good moral standards.
     
  5. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    584
    Likes Received:
    368
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    I don't think u did wrong checking his email , u r just trying to keep an eye on him.. I think u need to talk to ur mom n tell her all not to tell him how u got to know all this ..
    U need to pay attention at ur health stop worrying abt ur dad wen he does not care for u n ur mom..he is old enough now to concentrate on his business n ur mom rather then having affairs,wen he has time to look online stuff then he can pay attention.. don't mind but he had to be greatful to u guys that u had forgiven he got second chance n change himself and give all the love wat ur mom deserves.. wat might be going on on ur mom wen she thinks that..
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    OP...your father is a polygamous man.He will not be satisfied with one woman.Period. If not this one...there will be another one.

    Seems like your mom has made peace with this...it is time you did too.

    Why are you stressing yourself helping your father?So that he can earn more and keep some more women?

    Instead,help your mom.She is lonely in that marriage.The time you spend helping your father...spend that time talking to your mother.Don't talk about her adulterous husband but about her life and your life.

    Buy her gifts that make her happy .If she needs financial help(who knows,with your father spending on other women)...then give the money directly to her or set up her account and give it to her.
     
    SunPa, Amica, amunique and 5 others like this.
  7. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,847
    Likes Received:
    1,956
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Leave them alone..Your mom probably knows things.And if I were you,I would have stopped helping him.If he is having the energy and time for other women,he very well has the capability to manage the business.
     
    Sunshine04 and yellowmango like this.
  8. vinodsinha

    vinodsinha Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    48
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Male
    To make it one, just understand what your dad is having with another woman is no more an AFFAIR. Because, your mother has known it well. After one confrontation with your dad, your mother has intentionally chosen , not to take up his affair, any more.

    I repeat, your dad's relationship with another woman is gong on with the knowledge of your mother. Your mother's decision to accept it (probably in great mental pain) in all her silence is her personal one.

    You have no business in telling what your mom should do about your dad. It is her personal life.

    You say, you can't hate him.

    How can you hate him ? He is not betraying you. He has never abused you. He has been a good dad to you. So, in my perception, you can continue to do whatever possible work related help to him (OF COURSE, WITHOUT COMPROMISING YOUR HEALTH) within your limits of physical endurance. And shut your mind down in the area of his relation (which we will not call an affair) with another woman.

    Don't punish yourself for someone else's sins
     
  9. JayaGomathi

    JayaGomathi New IL'ite

    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    First remember that your thoughts will have direct impact to your kid right from day 1 he / she has formed.

    At this moment ensure to support your mom & take care of your health.

    don't think too much, you cant stop your dad in doing these activities, To make changes you should have some rights to perform that, but here you don't have any control. rather than worrying be happy of your baby....

    have peaceful, lovleyy life with your hubby...provide your moral support to your mom
     
  10. WorriesTooMuch

    WorriesTooMuch Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    My dear OP, hugs to you. I know how conflicting it is to be a child of parents who are not exactly good in character. My dad is not as bad as yours, but he has the nasty tendency of praising all other women under the sun but my mother. No affairs, but the disrespect he does daily is enough to make me want to hit him thousand times.. But still I love him! I also never disclose these to my DH because he will throw it in my face.

    My mother puts up with it, rightly, wrongly... I have stopped judging or trying to understand. Marriage is strange, but only the two people in it should be involved. I speak briefly to my father, but spend most of my time and energy on my mother. She seems happy enough.. I don't want to rock the boat. It is maybe cowardly, but I really don't know what else to do. If she ever wants to separate, I'll be therefor her. Beyond this I don't interfere.
     

Share This Page