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A Letter

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by sandyr, Jul 7, 2009.

  1. sandyr

    sandyr New IL'ite

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    Dear Daddy,

    I know this may seem strange ..... me writing to you. But I needed to feel connected. I needed to believe that I could still talk to you. This was the only thing I could think of.

    I miss you. I'd always believed the pain would reduce - that, as the years rolled by, I would feel less alone. But I dont, I havent felt close to anyone in years.

    Yesterday was somehow so much worse. I spent the night either tossing and turning or staring at the ceiling, willing the tears would stop.

    I wish you were here to make me smile. I wish you were here to make me look at the brighter side. Becuase I cant anymore. I cant believe that everything is going to be okay. I need something to hold on to, to pull me out. And I have a sinking feeling that you were the only one.

    You had a way about you - an easy going optimism that I dont think I've ever seen. Everything was just a day away from being okay. And you made me believe it. That belief pretty much left the day you died.

    Its very hard to say that. "The day you died". Its finality. To know that you're never coming back. That every hurtful word, every stubborn decision is never going to be forgiven. Every joy, every achievemement is never going to be shared. I would have love to tell you so much.

    I still remember coming home after topping the class. I wanted to tell you....I wanted to see that look of pride on your face. To realize that I would never be able to was more painful than I thought possible. I can still feel that absolute desolation - the complete loss. And it hits afresh everytime I think of you being gone.

    Its amazing how much it still hurts. Its almost new everyday. And I dont know if its because I dont want to forget.

    I'm terrified, Daddy. I'm scared that I'm going to wake up one day and struggle to remember your face. I know its going to happen eventually. I'll forget the way you smiled, the way you walked. A lots already gone. The sound of your voice has faded away....

    There are little things that remind me of you. And, for years, I avoided them. I'd go out of my way to make sure nothing would remind me. I dont do that anymore. Its not going to make a difference. Everything reminds me of you.

    I know I'm holding on a little too much. I dont want to lose my memories. Like the cliche....they're all I have left. I know I wont forget but each day erases a bit of the image in my mind.

    I imagine quite a lot isnt even true. There are little snippets of information that I've exaggerated into facts. But there is so much that is true. You were a wonderful person. Of course you had faults. I'm not denying that. But thats not how I want to remember you.

    I want to remember the man who would take his little girl out to cheer her up. The man who would give his little girl whatever she wanted. The man who would listen to his little girls babble without ridicule. The man who had faith in his little girl and made her believe she could do anything. The man who that girl misses everyday.....
     
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