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A Journey From A Victim To Survivor

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by DDream, Oct 17, 2017.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Her mother had reasons? From the link:

    And her parents sent her back. To get pregnant again.

    Minimum age for marriage in the UAE, where the girl was living, is 18. In Pakistan, from where her parents came, it is 16 for girls but efforts are always on to increase it to 18. It is one thing to get a willing and "happy about it" 16 or 17 year old girl married off. It is another to force a girl so young into marriage with a man 12 years her senior.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2017
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  2. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Silver IL'ite

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    Getting married very young before 18 is even happening in India. One girl from my school got married when she was only 17 or 16, to an old man for her age bcos she didn't have a dad to financially support and get her married to a well suited person. She gave birth to a girl before I finished my schooling. She is from my batch. I felt bad for her. It is happening because of family situations. Mostly financial. Parents doing that thinking the daughters will have a happy and bright future in their new house.

    I'm somebody who is dead against child marriage.

    But you can't deny the fact it is happening because of financial reasons, and can there be other reasons too. And the mother thought her daughter would be happy there. She sent her back again the second time which is a bigger mistake, but she also had 2 unmarried daughters to be taken care of.

    "She would tell me it was for my own good, and that a future in Canada would give me opportunities I wouldn’t have here at home." -
    Mother did that thinking her daughter would be happy there, who could have guessed that guy would turn out a monster, he was good during the early days of marriage. only after MILs arrival things got changed.

    First time she came back home, her dad was still alive, and she decided not to go back canada, but husband apologised and she went back to him. on her own decision.

    Second time when she came back, her dad was sick & died in few days. Dad didn't want her to go back to that life and asked her to escape but lead a good life in canada. He knew his daughter had that courage and she could do that. As for mom, she had 2 daughter to take care of and no husband. We cant take it as she didn't have any love for this first daughter.


    "One day, I sat with him in the ICU. “Papa, if something happens to you, what am I going to do?” I asked him. “Realize the strength you have inside of you,” he told me. “Go back to Canada and find a way to get out of your marriage.” He died two days later.

    When I asked my mother what to do, she told me I should go back with him. After all, she had two more daughters to marry off, she said, and she didn’t have the money to support me."


    Ok her parents got her married as a child, which is a big mistake. But I can't let her MIL slip off easily from blame just like that.

    "Then, two months before our daughter was born, he told me his parents would be moving to Canada and staying with us. He had planned for them to live with us all along, but this was the first I’d heard of it. We moved out of the master bedroom into the smaller one so his parents would be more comfortable.

    Everything changed when they arrived. My husband and I stopped spending time alone together.
    His mother got upset when he paid attention to me, so he didn’t show me any affection. When I would ask if I could call my parents in Ruwais, he or his mother would tell me we couldn’t afford international calls."

    My MIL is a controlling and dominating person. But she never even think of making us sleep in separate room just for their own comfort. They take the small one and give us the bigger room. I never been in such situations. But I can say that for sure about my MIL. From this story I realised my MIL is dominating but not evil minded.

    Her MIL was totally a evil minded person. Sleeping in separate rooms is the root case of later problem. It made her feel extreme alone. They didn't spend time together after that, so that they might not have resolved their misunderstandings. His mother would have spoiled his mind telling bad things about wife, her son was an easy access for her bcos the couples slept in separate rooms.

    "My mother-in-law gave me her cast-off clothing to wear."

    MIL took over the control of home with his son's support.

    She is a total evil. Spoiled her own son's life. He was also a dumb monster.
     
  3. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    I want this story to be read by all the foreign living young women -- whether they be first-gen or born in forin.
    When there is such a lot of opportunities in the foreign country, there is no need to submit to a 2nd class existence. Young women must try and "escape", or finagle to get to a situation where they do not have to suffer any nonsense.
     
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  4. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    I like to consider her story in a positive way. Yes. she was a bright girl with lot of dreams. Everyone abused her . Her parents, MIL and husband were against her wishes, created lot of obstacles in her way. We know very well that many women in India or Indian origin or even others, gave up their dreams after some point. They find some excuses why they gave up. Then they blame everyone (parents, MIL, spouse ) to support their confusion. Here she chose a different path-she fought her own war against the system where she belonged, it took her 10 years or more.

    In this case, she got a great opportunity to be in a country with a system, a country with lot of opportunities, else her life would have been different(I dont think she would get similar chances in her/husband's home country). She used all those chances for her favour, she worked hard to attain it. So happy to read such a great story. Like @Nonya said women dont have to tolerate nonsense when they have enough opportunity around them to lead a great life. Not many have that courage to move ahead alone with a strong will and focus.

    People fail in life when they gave up their dreams. In this case, the girl worked hard for her dreams and she succeeded. Her success is so encouraging for many other women with similar situations. It gives so much hope to everyone.

    "NEVER EVER GIVE UP . If the system wont work for you -change it, do something else instead of complaining"

    Another link to the same story
    Samra’s story: When marital abuse did not break her ( Canada helped her a lot, still..)

    “Do not let anyone disrespect you. Believe in yourself. You are the only one who can change your situation. It is not easy, but it isn’t impossible either. I had all the disadvantages any girl could have." -Samra Zafar

    “I have no father, brother, son, or husband to support me. But I have done it, all by myself. If I can do it, anyone can.”-Samra Zafar
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2017
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    @zeppelingirl, this story has a positive ending, and most likely OP wants that to be highlighted, and how the woman overcame such huge problems and turned her life around. So, I am keeping the following general, and not about this woman and her parents only.

    Girls do get married at 16 or 17 still. For many reasons. Sometimes they are not into studies and getting into bad company such as unemployed roadside romeos. Parents find a "good" boy and get the girl married off. Some of these reasons border on acceptable. I have two friends who got married at barely 21, just before or after the degree exam. Reason: dad has passed away, mom wanted to get her married off soon. The girls understood the situation, and agreed to get married. Mom (and relatives) found a good match; a match as good as she would have got at 24 or 25. Girls still feel bad they missed out on being single in early-20's, but are happy in their lives.

    But, when the girl is doing good in studies, is a good child, pushing her into a marriage at 16 or 17 is cruel and selfish. Often in families where parents kept trying for a boy. Once a girl (or boy) is brought into this world, it is the parent's responsibility to do what they can to educate the child and, make him/her independent. Pushing a girl into marriage without educating her about birth control, sex and her rights, and things like marital rape, is wrong. Plain simple wrong.

    Way before the internet was so accessible, I knew two such girls who were pushed into marriage. The questions, fear and sheer confusion in their mind haunts me to this day. I was myself barely 19 and 21 when each of them got married. But, I was the 'daring' one who read romantic novels, wore jeans without parents knowing, and so on. So, they turned to me! Went with one to the local doctor who gave her birth control pills, and explained when to start etc. For the other one, I couldn't do much. Her parents and to-be in-laws didn't approve of me and her meeting me after match got finalized. Went to her wedding, and saw her sad face, and the lack of joy as she got ready for the wedding, and the look on her face at the 'bidaai' , and what she told me a few days after the wedding. There are some details that cannot be written but are reality of a forced marriage in which the woman (girl) does not know her rights.

    TL;DR - Parents who push their girl into marriage, against her wishes, even though she is doing well in studies, tell her nothing about sex, birth control, and have reasons like 'younger daughters to get married too', I cannot condone their acts in any way.
     
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  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    They don’t generally “push”. They condition us from a very young age so getting married right at 21/22 is considered normal. You feel they did you a great favor by waiting till you were 22 so you had a year to have fun and work a little.
    I’m still mad at my parents even if everything turned out hunky dory. I sure miss that phd. So what if I earned money and made a career and have a happy family life etc etc. sometimes you can be mad for your lost caliber and potential.
    I’ll never do it to my child. She has to have a masters degree at least.
     
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  7. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    you miss a phd? [some say that the acronym stands for piled-high-&-deep :smirk:] member @SunPa was lamenting --in some other thread -- how her niece went to forin, got high-falutin' edjucation and job etc., and had commissioned her mummy to look for an arranged-marriage match. Mummy finds slim pickings; and even the few that pass muster initially, are rejected by the child. The bigger the edjucation, the tougher the parental job to find a "suitable boy". A simple graduate, working in a transferable job, wheatish complexion, etc.. would have huge number of choices... and that makes the parental job easier.

    I agree that a girl ought to have some time to run about with her friends when she is in her early 20's; but then beyond 25, unless :BangHead:-ing on a phd thesis topic, and gets a marriage-deferment, she should'a been married already. Girls who are yet unmarried after their 25th birthday are often called kisumasu-cake. It is said that a Kisumasu-cake is only valuable before 25 (i.e., December 25th), and after that its value in the market is not all that good.
     
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  8. Ineedhelp1

    Ineedhelp1 Senior IL'ite

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    @DDream what an inspiring story. I agree only education, job and courage can bring any changes to life . Thank you for sharing .
     
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  9. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    Women should be financially independent in my opinion before getting married. My parents also tried to get me married by 21. But I resisted, I told them I am not going to waste my life for a stranger or in someone else kitchen. I need more time to establish myself. Finally my parents agreed. Thanks to my mother, especially. So that I could go for higher studies and have a career. They are all very happy for me.
    I am 100% sure that my life would have been totally different if I get married in early age and I thank god for making me think that way and also to my mother. Financial independence helped me a lot and is helping me even now.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017
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  10. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    In this story, the "Kisumasu-cake" was 16y. It varies from society to society, religion etc..In this young age they dont have anything- no education, job, money.. so H and ILS can control her and make her to do what they want. When women get educated , they know the world better, the options available, human rights, they think, they will have opinions. etc.. that is what men-dominated society dont like to face. They dont want women to independent in any ways.

    It is good that now the age bar of girls raised up to 25 yrs from 18y in Indian society. Now marriage market is also changing. Most prefer girl with a job.

    I can understand the pain when you have a PhD and no job. It is tough. It was difficult earlier to find a a suitable when the girl have higher education. But time has changed. Now there are many choices due to internet matrimony sites.. Lot of options. It may take time.. but you get better choice

    I like to think positively. All my friends with PhD, who got married in late 20's, me too, is leading better life than those married earlier. They all got job, good matured spouse, they have a job and financially independent. It is better to marry a boy close to 30 or above than marry a immature younger one, who still a kid in many ways. Also agree that life is not predictable.

    Marriage is just a part of life. Even though it is still projected as the main thing in women's life. Once should marry only when they are ready to take up all responsibilities in married life. Most of the time it is forced upon by family, for many reasons, than there own decision. They condition the girls in such a way that they are her to marry only.

    "A simple graduate, working in a transferable job, wheatish complexion, etc.. would have huge number of choices... and that makes the parental job easier. "

    Why one should gave up her own dreams (including PhD) just to make her suitable for marriage market? This attitude of society should change.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017

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