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A Good Touch and Bad a Touch.

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by Shanvy, Jun 17, 2008.

  1. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    A topic that has been troubling me for some time. During my vacation, had met my neighbour, and her 5 year old daughter. the daughter used to play with my DS and DD all the time. she was a permanent fixture at our home.

    Now, when she met the kids, she went and started hugging DD and playing with her, and avoiding DS. I was wondering what has happened to her. Then slowly, the mom says "Shanthi,The school has said, they are finding it difficult to keep watch on the kids all the time, what with the labourers, car drivers and all, so please teach the kids the difference between a Good Touch and bad touch.." and "Also since i did not know how to teach her, I just told her not to touch or be touched by boys, uncles ..."

    That raised a question in my mind, How do we exactly teach the good and bad touch. Though my daughter is 12 and can understand,I really don't know if teaching the difference is enough.

    Take for example the case of the 6 year old girl who was raped by the school bus driver last saturday..how do we avoid such things..

    Though the easiest way is to drop and pick the child ourselves, will it not make the child dependent on us and not learning how to defend and survive....Going by the happenings today, both boy and girl have to be taught good and bad touch, and also to be more tough. Will it affect their thought process, and relationships in later life. will the fear become a permanent one???

    Me as a mother,
    Have told my DD that if she is not comfortable with any thing happening she can discuss with me. I don't allow her to wear short skirts, sleeveless when she goes alone to her music class, or any other activity.

    Also have sent them for karate classes before. Tell her to always practice the self defence moves.

    Last but not least, never be afraid...fear is the threatening factor in most of these abuses...The fear to talk to the parents about anything that is happening. Some abuses would not happen in a day..it would be a process (me thinks)..so if the child braves it to tell us..maybe we can avoid such situations....

    And as parents we need to keep a watch also. So how do you teach your child, and how do you protect...It will help all mothers...I feel it is a topic needed at this hour....

    Do share...



    (P.S. This post is not to scare any mother..It is just to talk about it openly and get better ideas to help out our loved ones....)
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2008
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  2. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    Shanthi,
    Being a child counsellor, I have been telling all mothers I see, to teach about good touch and bad touch. But many mothers dont really understand themselves what does the good and bad touch mean, and they simply tell their kids, especially girls that it is not good to be touched by boys or uncles etc etc. I have taught my daughter this good and bad touch. I think she have understood, or atleast I am able to put across what I wanted to tell her. She will play with my Bil's son(who she calls anna, infact they even have wwf fights also. He is also quite comfortable with this kid sister of his). She enjoys company of her uncles and plays with her.

    This mother have really scared her daughter and infact what I have always felt is, it is not the kids to be taught but the mothers to be. Moreover the mothers should be taught to trust and understand the kids. Many mothers dont take the words of the kids and just brush off the fact that some one is doing some harm to their kids. I think all mothers of IL could take an initiative in this matter and train a few more woman, especially to understand the good and bad touch and also to trust their little ones.

    I really write it with a heavy heart.

    I just didnot see the last line. How to teach them. It is better the mother teach both the girl and the boy about those places that cannot be touched by others. And the others should be classified correctly. If the child tells something about someone who is not in the category, then it is better to listen to the kid with open ears and keep a watch on that person, however close he or she is. Now a days kids of both gender should be taught of good and bad touch. Kids should be taught to look out for help and also to shout loud when someone is stalking them.

    They should be taught to use the main and busy roads, whether they walk or they go on their cycles. It is better to avoid shortcut routes(as most of them are deserted). Upto a certain age, the parents should try to accompany the kids to whatever class they go or should send the kids with grandparents and if they are living alone with someone trustworthy. Many a times, if there are two or more kids going to a particular class at the same time, the parents could take turns and go with the kids. When they have to go alone, it is my personal experience, carrying a whistle with them will help them to get attention from someone when they are stalked.

    Small kids should be asked not to take anything from anyone, even though they are not strangers without the consent of their parents. Parents should be strict but not act like ringmasters. Small kids right from the age of 2 or 2 and a half, when they start to go to school should be trained to tell all that have happenned in the school. Once this habit comes, they will automatically tell if someone did something to them.

    There is one organisation in Chennai, named Tulir, who go to every school and teach this in particular.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2008
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  3. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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  4. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    Not just that thread Chitra mam(i), I remember Uma Sridharan starting a similar thread and me answering there. Almost the same topic. But I dont remember the thread so I am unable to find the link. Will check and post again.
     
  5. sharadha

    sharadha Bronze IL'ite

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    Shanti Mam,

    Well chosen topic.

    First and foremost, the requirement is for the child to understand what the parent is about to convey ie mainly the mental balance to understand. Otherwise, it wud be throwing a huge stone in small pond of water, causing big ripples which is confusion in this scenario. If not, after the kid is instructed (whatever tone whether in a soft or hard way), there is no assurance that the kid will not ask for clarification in public putting you in high embarrassment.

    Back to the topic, the child can be instructed slowly at the same time steadily to avoid overload to the little mind. I have seen parents telling their daughters to stop talking to the boys that too all of a sudden. Would the child understand the actual fact / reason behind this? Instead would be curious to know why and what..

    Friends, we should instruct our daughters to be friendly with boys too but to maintain a certain distance. In the movie nallavanukku nallavan Rajni says this to his daughter. I liked it and so posting it here.. "Jaaaaliyaaaaaaa konjam jaaaaaaaakradhaiya".

    Tell kids that they can go to the extent of touching the boys like shaking hands..Even patting is not advisable.

    Only if parents are friendly, their children would feel free to discuss these sort of issues.

    Be friendly and at the same time have an eye on them.
     
  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    RajmiDear,

    That is a good feedback from you.

    I have heard about Tulir, also. thanks for elaborating on what i have questioned.

    I am sure it is going to be really helpful, to others.
     
  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Chithmam ,

    I just read the topic.thanks for pointing the thread. see inspite of taking all the neccessary care things that happen around really makes you look at every person with a doubt. It really looks very bad. We need to educate the parents more than the kids,to believe, behave and understand the child more....
     
  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sharadha

    thanks for the prompt feedback. this is happening in the gulf,india allover.Read two three incidents of this happening in dubai and muscat. and the school in muscat has asked the parents to teach good and bad.They don't want to be completely responsible for anything.

    Agree with you totally. the kid is going to be confused and could put us in a embarassing situation....

    This is what happened to the girl whom i met. She completely shuns the boys, and behaves like a grown up...are we asking the kids to grow faster than needed mentally....

    I really like this dialogue. looks very sensible. You know what the male teacher patting a child is very common. and I suppose it has to be taken seriously and be notified to teachers.


    I recently read somewhere, that we thinking we need to be friendly with the child, forget to be a parent setting discipline... I feel we need to balance both the discipline and friendship with our children ...of course that is again a different topic...

    Thanks once again for stepping in...
     
  9. ramyanand

    ramyanand Silver IL'ite

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    Shanvy
    uve started a thread which will be useful to all the mommies with lil kids..

    I feel lil girls are not the only ones abused by predators..even lil boys...

    In my kid's school they teach abt inappropriate touching and they even reassure the kids that its not "their fault" when they r abused by anyone..There r sooooo many kids who dodnt tell their parents..Its our duty to make our kids comfortable to talk whats bothering them and make them feel that we r there to support them..
     
  10. Anandchitra

    Anandchitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Shanthi
    Thanks for raising a very important and pertinent topic..
    I have quoted the above 2 paras from your original post to ask about them..

    In the first you wonder .." How do we exactly teach the good and bad touch. Though my daughter is 12 and can understand,I really don't know if teaching the difference is enough."..

    In the second .. "Will it affect their thought process, and relationships in later life. will the fear become a permanent one???".

    Firstly its a little late already. Here all these things are taught in primary school itself. More over I have been talking about it ongoing.. which means if something comes on the news or in some t.v. serial.. so why wonder if teaching the difference is enough?
    I have not read your replies to others and others comments so if this is already addressed pl dont repeat I will catch up with reading.

    Secondly, how can this affect the thought process and how can fear become permanent.. I am surprised that you wrote these lines.. forgive me for saying so.. I am sure you know the World we are living now and the type of people in it.
    So its an absolute must to teach children and educate them on these matters.

    Thanks for writing about this .
     

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