9 yrs girl - Study Time

meril · Oct 27, 2013

How long a child studies isn't what matter how much he/she studies and understands is what matters.

Ask the child to read her daily lesson and guide her when she faces a trouble, revise the portion maybe say every alternate day and see how much she remembers.

Each child has a different level of grasping power and interest towards each subject. Just make studies as one among her daily chores.

Soch · Oct 28, 2013

Thank you Teacher & Meril,

I have noticed her that she does Maths and Science with interest. If she read her lesson one time she will answer the question what ever we ask on her on. I feel that enough for 4 years. But problem is my father he wants everthing to be memorised, he is very strict that while waking her up in morning ony will get up you hav study now. I feel that she is hating to study even if he call with normal way, she doesnt want to study.

I spoke to him regarding this, he is not understanding he scolding me and also tell that i am not descliping her by not waking her up early in the morning 6. Weekends only i have rest, so i will also wake at 7.30. And more over as soon as out of bed she has to study. not even breakfast at 9, he will make her sit till 11.

Basicaly, he like only people who study be good in academics, he even told me recently that he doest like me as i did not study well in 12, Now i am 33 years old, I am working in MNC earn well and take care of him so well than my brother. My brother doesnt listen to him, he will consider discussing with him before taking any decision, he even tease him. He loves to study, he made habit for studying all the time, he doesnt know anything other than studing. Only my Mom used to do all the house hold works other outside works like contructing house, taking care of us, money management and all.

I really dont know what to do with my father.

If DD and my father sits for study, it will be always shouting, she will cry very badly, what am i suppose to do. My father will say its because you are here she is doing this, he says leave it i will take care, But how will i be simply sitting that both are shouting.

MY DD says i dont want to study with Grandpa, you be with me. We asked dd yesterday, what you when we go fro long trip, she immediately said, i will be free from studies, and Grandpa also will not ask me to study. Once she told she scolded Grandpa during sleeping time. I was schoked hear this. is this normal??

I really dont know what am i suppose to do. I am going mad of all this. I am crying all the day, no peace at home.

My hubby says we will put her in some resedential school so that we can avoid this as we cant change my father.

Very sorry for the long post

Mahajanpragati · Oct 28, 2013

you need to stand upto your father............he seems to be bored at home & using the girl to keep him busy & occupied..........

Ansuya · Oct 29, 2013

Soch, I don't mean to be rude, so forgive me if I hurt your feelings regarding your father. But I strongly feel that his attitude and actions are damaging your daughter. Your father's ideas regarding education and studying are outdated, misguided, and just plain wrong according to all modern methods and educational theories.

By allowing him to dominate in this area of your child's life, you are doing her untold harm. It is not your daughter who needs to be sent away to a residential school (very cruel solution, in my opinion). Instead, you need to decide in your own mind whether you want to put your daughter through any more torture, or whether you want her to be the happy, well-adjusted girl that she could be.

She sounds like a lovely child, and frankly, I feel like crying when I think of her stuck in that house of yours, at the mercy of adults who consider books and unnecessary studying (waking up early, no breakfast, studying until 11am are all tantamount to child abuse in my book) to be more important than anything else, including the health and happiness of a young child.

By your own admission, your father is a churlish, sexist and manipulative man (he says he doesn't like you - his own daughter! - even though you look after him, he favors your brother who doesn't look after him, he throws temper tantrums and treats your daughter terribly). Why do you allow him to act as if he is some sort of knowledgeable authority? It sounds to me like he is frustrated and needing to bully you and your daughter to prove to himself that he is as important as he thinks he is.

You cannot expect his help in bringing up your daughter, because he has proved he is not up to the job. He either helps and does it his way (because he is not open to constructive criticism and feedback - not the mark of a truly educated person, in my book), or you leave him out of your daughter's education completely. You and your husband need to step up and increase your role in your daughter's life. It sounds like she is hungry for parental support and time together. Instead, she gets a cranky old man who makes her miserable.

Surely you know the truth of what I am saying, since I assume your father tried to do the same things to you? Do you really want to perpetuate this cycle of awful behavior? I know that in our glorious culture, we are supposed to listen to what our parents say til the end of time. But you are educated yourself, and the fact that you are posting here tells me you know something is drastically wrong. If you need permission, I am giving it to you. Your father is wrong. Sometimes parents don't know what they're doing, and harm their own children/grandchildren. It's a fact of life. Save your daughter.

P.S. The idea of studying is a good one, in principle. But it is possible to get one's nose so far stuck into books that one loses sight of the real world, actual people and their emotions, and what's important. This kind of obsessive behavior, like all obsessive behaviors, is a psychological illness. It's like compulsive hand washing. Just because it is a "good" habit, doesn't mean we should lose perspective and indulge in it mindlessly and repetitively to no useful end. Your mother sounds like she was the one who was really running your household and bringing you all up properly while your father was busy being a "scholar". Let's not get so hung up on what is "good", "right", and "expected" that we forget about what is important, necessary, and actually useful. Life is for living, not just for reading about.

Priya77 · Oct 30, 2013

Ansuya said: ↑

Soch, I don't mean to be rude, so forgive me if I hurt your feelings regarding your father. But I strongly feel that his attitude and actions are damaging your daughter. Your father's ideas regarding education and studying are outdated, misguided, and just plain wrong according to all modern methods and educational theories.

By allowing him to dominate in this area of your child's life, you are doing her untold harm. It is not your daughter who needs to be sent away to a residential school (very cruel solution, in my opinion). Instead, you need to decide in your own mind whether you want to put your daughter through any more torture, or whether you want her to be the happy, well-adjusted girl that she could be.

She sounds like a lovely child, and frankly, I feel like crying when I think of her stuck in that house of yours, at the mercy of adults who consider books and unnecessary studying (waking up early, no breakfast, studying until 11am are all tantamount to child abuse in my book) to be more important than anything else, including the health and happiness of a young child.

By your own admission, your father is a churlish, sexist and manipulative man (he says he doesn't like you - his own daughter! - even though you look after him, he favors your brother who doesn't look after him, he throws temper tantrums and treats your daughter terribly). Why do you allow him to act as if he is some sort of knowledgeable authority? It sounds to me like he is frustrated and needing to bully you and your daughter to prove to himself that he is as important as he thinks he is.

You cannot expect his help in bringing up your daughter, because he has proved he is not up to the job. He either helps and does it his way (because he is not open to constructive criticism and feedback - not the mark of a truly educated person, in my book), or you leave him out of your daughter's education completely. You and your husband need to step up and increase your role in your daughter's life. It sounds like she is hungry for parental support and time together. Instead, she gets a cranky old man who makes her miserable.

Surely you know the truth of what I am saying, since I assume your father tried to do the same things to you? Do you really want to perpetuate this cycle of awful behavior? I know that in our glorious culture, we are supposed to listen to what our parents say til the end of time. But you are educated yourself, and the fact that you are posting here tells me you know something is drastically wrong. If you need permission, I am giving it to you. Your father is wrong. Sometimes parents don't know what they're doing, and harm their own children/grandchildren. It's a fact of life. Save your daughter.

P.S. The idea of studying is a good one, in principle. But it is possible to get one's nose so far stuck into books that one loses sight of the real world, actual people and their emotions, and what's important. This kind of obsessive behavior, like all obsessive behaviors, is a psychological illness. It's like compulsive hand washing. Just because it is a "good" habit, doesn't mean we should lose perspective and indulge in it mindlessly and repetitively to no useful end. Your mother sounds like she was the one who was really running your household and bringing you all up properly while your father was busy being a "scholar". Let's not get so hung up on what is "good", "right", and "expected" that we forget about what is important, necessary, and actually useful. Life is for living, not just for reading about.
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100% agree with what is written.

Soch,
I can imagine what you are going thru. Sometimes its like banging head on a wall dealing with stubborn old parents.

I feel really sorry for your kid ... Poor child !

If your dad is not respecting your wishes , your husband needs to step in.
He can announce "Mothers are best teachers" and assign teaching responsibility to you. Will your dad not respect SIL decision too ?

Your husband needs to become the bad guy here and lay rules for everyone.

Soch · Nov 5, 2013

Thank you Anusya & Priya for your comments.

For past 1 week, i am taking care of her studies and school. Hope it helps in some way. i can see that my father is not happy with what i am doing, but i am ignoring his reactions. My brother & Husband also spoke to my father, so i can some changes in reaction but not fully.

My daughter enjoy my time with her, can feel some happiness in her. Some peace at home.

Thank you all for the valuable advice and support.

Ansuya · Nov 6, 2013

Soch, I am so glad that you are making changes for your daughter's happiness. I know it can be hard to go against what our aging parents want, but the truth is, they do not always know best. Like all of us, they are fallible, and vulnerable to the ravages of age, stress, ego, and lack of self-awareness.

I do feel sad for your dad. Is it possible for you and your husband or other family members to find other little ways to make him feel important? If there is something he does well (gardening, playing a musical instrument, organizing paperwork, taking care of household logistics), then maybe you could ask him to do that, or help out in some other way. You may not really need his input or help, but it is possible he feels he is losing his utility, and his trying to control your daughter and assert his authority to fight these feelings of inadequacy.

Just make sure his influence over your daughter is limited. They could do fun stuff together (playing cards, going for walks, etc.) which is what grandparents are supposed to do with their grandkids. But I don't think he should be playing any role that a parent should. You are very conscientious to make changes and sacrifices in your own life to ensure your daughter's well-being. I love reading about good parents on IL

Soch · Nov 7, 2013

My father like to play instruments Ansuya, so i got him keyboard last year . But you know what happen, He started training DD. She liked it, she also plays it, but he forces her to parctice it almost all the time as he does not allow to play or watch TV, so she doesnt do it :bonk.

I dont know why he does not like her playing outside, when ever she ask for play time, he will try to avoid saying something like kids are not there out, or dont play with that girl/boy or you people are not playing only chatting.

Other thing is, DD is not writing though she is in class 4 , her hand writing was good initially but its very bad now. I feel i have to make lot of changes in her, she is disintrested in her studies itself :spin may be its because of too much pressure from my father. In School, its very easy going, not much of homework or exams. Its only class test till 5.

She generally read story books, she always ask for story book as gift, now it changing to eating habbit, she want to go for different hotels to taste food.

He doesnt play with her at all even she call him, he will not do, i dont know why. Yesterday dd called her Grandpa to be banker in Business game, he immediately said not i will not come as you did not read today. For everything it will be like you study properly i will get you this.

But now days i am enjoying with her a lot, we both are going for a walk after dinner, play for sometime. So Hubby, DD & I are enjoying

MumsWorld · Aug 23, 2017

DD is in grade 6 ans she studies for max 1 and a half hour daily...and during holidays too almost the same time or may be half an hour more. During weekends she insists that she too gets a weekend after 5 days of study and fixed routine so I should let her be. I tried all possible to sit and talk many times, giving her fixed routines, bonuses, taking away TV time but nothing really helped to increase the time. DH says let her be, its not necessary to score high to be intelligent and not to spoil relationship and my health , that too when shes in her tweens. huhmmm...not easy though!
We do spend quality family time and shes a good reader and plays piano. I too somewhere within feel Being balanced is more important than scoring high.JMO.

shyamala1234 · Aug 23, 2017

Soch said: ↑

Thank you Teacher & Meril,

I have noticed her that she does Maths and Science with interest. If she read her lesson one time she will answer the question what ever we ask on her on. I feel that enough for 4 years. But problem is my father he wants everthing to be memorised, he is very strict that while waking her up in morning ony will get up you hav study now. I feel that she is hating to study even if he call with normal way, she doesnt want to study.

I spoke to him regarding this, he is not understanding he scolding me and also tell that i am not descliping her by not waking her up early in the morning 6. Weekends only i have rest, so i will also wake at 7.30. And more over as soon as out of bed she has to study. not even breakfast at 9, he will make her sit till 11.

Basicaly, he like only people who study be good in academics, he even told me recently that he doest like me as i did not study well in 12, Now i am 33 years old, I am working in MNC earn well and take care of him so well than my brother. My brother doesnt listen to him, he will consider discussing with him before taking any decision, he even tease him. He loves to study, he made habit for studying all the time, he doesnt know anything other than studing. Only my Mom used to do all the house hold works other outside works like contructing house, taking care of us, money management and all.

I really dont know what to do with my father.

If DD and my father sits for study, it will be always shouting, she will cry very badly, what am i suppose to do. My father will say its because you are here she is doing this, he says leave it i will take care, But how will i be simply sitting that both are shouting.

MY DD says i dont want to study with Grandpa, you be with me. We asked dd yesterday, what you when we go fro long trip, she immediately said, i will be free from studies, and Grandpa also will not ask me to study. Once she told she scolded Grandpa during sleeping time. I was schoked hear this. is this normal??

I really dont know what am i suppose to do. I am going mad of all this. I am crying all the day, no peace at home.

My hubby says we will put her in some resedential school so that we can avoid this as we cant change my father.

Very sorry for the long post
Click to expand...

This is not the right way.....absolutely not the right way. Make your father not interfere with her studies. He might have been a teacher but his guidance is absolutely wrong. Sorry to talk about your father but I do not want to mince words.
Spending time with you is very important. Children of that age need more sleep.
What is going to happen in future you know....by the time she is 13 or 14 would lose all interest and would rebel that she is not going to study anymore and quit school.
I know a family where a boy was in your daughter's position....declared that he is not going to school any more and not going. He is going through a lot of counselling sessions.....
So, do something drastic now and save your child.
Generally it is the other way round....grandparents pamper grandchildren a lot.
Do something NOW.
Sorry if I have hurt your feelings.
Syamala