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4 Year Old Thinks "nobody Likes Her!"

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by anika987, May 20, 2017.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    How do I deal with this?

    My kid is growing up to be senstive.I am a sensitive person myself and from day 1,I made sure my child will grow up to be confident.I read good stories,try to talk positive and show good programs and my neighborhood is also nice.

    When my child was around 2,I had some personal problems as to which I could not concentrate well on my child for few months.My mom took great care and once she left,it took some time for her to recover an come back to me.Now,she loves me as much as I do love her.

    I feel guilty now..for the past few months,i noticed my kid being very sensitive and feels no kid wants to play with her.for eg:if two other kids are busy on their own,instead of trying to play with someone else,she feels she is left out,. when her cousin is here(who is an extrovert and who makes everyone fall in love with her with her cute tantrums and speech)my quiet child feels very affected that she is not loved enough.She wants to be given attention by everyone she sees.how is this possible?No kid is against her nor people are different with her.it is her own mind.

    I try to give lot of love and affection but how can i make the rest of the world love her?she is only four,and i cannot explain.I am scared this is scar her.How to help my child?
     
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  2. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    I have been introverted and highly sensitive my whole life and recognise the traits you perceive in your daughter.

    I have two solutions, an Indian solution and a Western solution.

    1) The Indian solution is to have more children. Let her have a younger brother or sister to boss around. She shall feel a sense of responsibility towards her younger sibling and she shall naturally emerge from her shell. It is natural for children to be around others of similar age from whom they can learn social skills. Being surrounded by adults all the time is not good for their health or mental well-being. In the West, you have to schedule "play-dates" so that your child can have contact with other children. A second child shall allow her have a permanent companion with whom she can go on adventures with. I cannot emphasise this enough. The more alone she is, the more sensitive she will become. She is used to getting all the attention from you and being the centre of your world. Unfortunately, the world is not like that. The best way to learn that lesson is to have other children at home.

    2) The Western solution is to read the literature on introverts and highly sensitive people (HSP) and tailor your parenting accordingly. This girl shall likely remain an only child. She is going to spend a lot of time on her own and this shall only enhance her sensitivity and introversion. There are strategies on how best to parent such a child which you can employ. If you just google "dealing with hsp children" you shall find a treasure trove of information. Elaine Aron is the leading authority on HSPs and Susan Cain has written the book on introverts. Consult both of their books and articles.I have ebooks of the same and shall be happy to share if needed. Apart from that I have found consulting Introvert, Dear and Introverts on Reddit • r/introvert most helpful. Both of these communities are geared towards adults but I am sure you shall glean some insights that can help your child. You shall also learn a few things about yourself along the way.

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2017
    anika987 and sindmani like this.
  3. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    sindmani likes this.
  4. silento

    silento Silver IL'ite

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    It is good that you are recognizing the behavior and working on it by giving her love and affection.

    First off, try not to worry about the problem too much, as the kids pick up our worries, and react in a certain way, but instead help her get on with it. Besides it could
    just be a phase and she might be over it soon.

    You mentioned that this is happening since past few months, so please think and analyze if anything has changed recently at home or in her pre-school, her friends,
    her environment etc that might be affecting this?

    When she brings up the topic of friends not liking her, instead of agreeging or disagreeging, talk to her about different choices she can make
    (when her other friends are busy) "hey, do you want to go ask another friend to play? "
    "hey, do you want to read a book instead?",
    "hey, do you want to do the big girl stuff and help mommy".. .you get the idea.

    Basically be in charge and help her with other choices during that time.

    Help her develop an interest in things she likes, could be dance, music, painting, singing etc. IT will keep her engaged and be proud of her activity.
    Give reponsibilty at home ; help watering plants, sorting laundry, taking out few dishes out etc. Praise the work and effort she put in.

    This one book has lots of guidance and ideas:

    How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

    Good luck with everything!
     
    sindmani likes this.
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Gold IL'ite

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    The best thing about kids is that they adapt very well.

    My kid went thru the same thing. He also expected the whole world to love him. He had to be center of attention. But when it doesn't happen, he used to sulk n whine or even throw tantrums. Then I started explaining
    Me:"Does it matter that I love you or they love you?"
    DS: "I want them to love me too"
    Me: "But who loves you more than anything in this world?"
    DS: "You"
    Me: "Then who should matter to you more"
    DS: "You"
    Me: "That's right. You don't need everyone to love you. Do you love everyone? Remember mr.x?" - you can mention a cartoon character that she hates
    DS: "I hate him"
    Me: "See, but he is still happy right. He doesn't care that you hate him. Why should you bother?
    - you know it kind of goes like this.

    You can't make the whole world love your kid. the kid who showcases does get more attention and applause, the quiet ones don't. You need to explain the reason why the other kid got the attention, like she sang this, or told this story or danced liked this or said this. N that it's ok for someone to get more attention.

    Explain these things, stating facts from the beginning. It will really help as they grow up and they stop looking for the whole world to approve of them. N once they understand the concept, they grow up.

    Just make sure it's your family that matters, point the most important ppl in her life, like you, hubby, etc. Say it only matters that they love her, n she loves them.

    Don't feel sad in front of her about this or show like this is a big deal. Just repeat n repeat n repeat that it's only her loved ones that counts. The rest of the relatives and friends have their own set of people they love the most too.
     
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  6. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    I was one of those oversensitive kids and I still am..I needed a lot of love and affection and I constantly felt the lack of it.. The world is a very very tough place for people like us who feel everything very intensely. since your child is still young , I feel you can slowly toughen her up to be more confident and assertive .

    (1) Pamper her with your love and time. while for other kids discipline might be required, oversensitive kids need constant reassurance that they are cared for. I can see you are already doing that so that gives her a very great advantage.

    (2)Enrol her in a team game like basketball or something . winning in these games will give her confidence and being part of a team will also help.

    (3)seeing the glass full is a very important life skill. put a positive spin on everything .

    (4) be happy yourself , your happy vibes willl have a positive impact on your kid.

    I recently read a interview in which Aishwarya rai said her daughter was a very sensitive child but she considered it a very good quality to have .
     

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