1 personal question

sampadaPhadke · Sep 9, 2012

ILs,

I have been a silent reader always and this is my first post. i am going to ask some very personal question to you. The reason for me to ask it here is I want to know the answer to help myself and it is difficult to talk and ask directly to someone I personally know.
I have been married for 2 years and I feel our s** life is not so good. We had a long distance relationship even after marriage but now even when we are together the s** life has not improved.
On an average we have s** once a month. Sometime twice a month.
Is this normal ? This frequency is quiet consistent.
My DH is caring but he hardly touches me. Touching meaning just normal touching. He never cuddles, never hugs, never kisses, etc. It is either s** or NOTHING at all. I have to try to seduce him for s**. When i try to seduce, I get cold reaction and later meaning next day or later he just comes to me and directly asks (i find it as a very formal way of asking).
If we have to cross a road then he holds my hand but never hugs, kisses out of love. Even when we sleep I like to cuddle or put a hand but he is very cold.
He does not have any problem in doing s**. It is just that it does not happen often.
I have spoken to him calmly when he is in a mood to listen. He knows my expectation but nothing changes his behavior.
I have taken initiative and asked but then I got a NO and felt embarrassed and never asked again.
Please tell me is his behavior normal ? Are all men like this ?
Is the frequency of having it once a month for almost a newly married couple good or normal?

renutn · Sep 9, 2012

Answer is Big NO.
Men more into s** than women. Whether it is long distance or living together or married wife they want to have everyday. This slows down over a period of time may be once or twice a week but now itself once a month. Can't believe

sumaramesh · Sep 9, 2012

Dear Samphada

Yes Ans is big no..... After 3yrs of marriage(6yrs of relationship) with both working in
different timings, we still make it a point to do on week-ends without fail...

And during beginning days of marriage, it used to be alternative days or thrice a week..
Thou intercourse is only week-ends thz days coz of time constraints(we both wrk diff timings)
I still manage to cuddle n sleep daily.(Sometimes if m too tired, i just go 2 sleep).....

Dear Please talk to him and try to learn why he is not very interested in sex(more frequency)..
See whats reason behind this, whether hes really tired, or upset over something, or is
there something else.

You try to wear sarees(Sarees seduce men), dress well and be more attractive...
All the best...

manalimanoj · Sep 9, 2012

Hi Sampadha
Do not worry dear.
As u r newly married sex will come frequently.
Talk to him again.
I would suggest yes wear dress which will attract him the color which he likes. moreover wear saree as sumaramesh said. use mild perfumes in ur bedroom lightup vanilla candels(it will work) in bedroom make ur bedroom toooooo good.
sure everything will be fine.
Manali

sampadaPhadke · Sep 9, 2012

ILs,

what you are telling me are the different techniques to seduce my DH. Do i really have to light candles , apply makeup and try to seduce him everytime ? Can't I just get a good-bye hug when he leaves ? or a kiss just like that ? or some cuddling atleast for 1 min before falling asleep ? or just a kiss to say good night?
I do not have any of this in my married life. I have told him nicely. I had a chat with him and does not give me any reason and just tells me "OK. now don't bother me much." I have fought with him. I have cried for this. But of no use at all. This change for a day or two and everything is back to normal.
he is exactly like a brother to me except for a day or two per month.

flowerlady · Sep 9, 2012

Dear OP,
Generally the first few years are very romantic as the DH and DW discover married life.
Why not give him a hug/cuddle on your own to start with?
Men consider candles useless , basically only women consider candles romantic.
Doing makeup at night may also rebound as its too filmy. He may ask why you have applied makeup at night???
Some men are born unromantic.
Hope there are no family issues between you two, some men are cold to DW if they are annoyed. Even DWs do the same and act cool if they feel bad over some thing.

sttelj · Sep 9, 2012

I agree with flowerlady.

Few possibilities that come to my mind are... possibly there could be something you do which he is not really liking / enjoying. You may have to observe him very closely, especially 'during the act'. See what he likes more and does not. Sex is all about the sharing the love. So, do take care of his interests as well. Try to make sure he gets the maximum happiness out of it.

Another possibility could be... is he addicted to watching **** / masturbation? That is one case where guys start losing interest in having real sex. Be more observant on him, learn to respond to 'his needs at the right time, the right way', which is the most important thing.

Sex is the glue that makes couple closer and relationship warmer. More the frequency you can have this, better the relationship be. Try to build some good habits, be encouraging talks (no senseless buttering please), appreciations, good words. Dress better, understand his 'weak points' in 'it' and exploit that... all the best

Varloo · Sep 9, 2012

Some people are unromantic and feel that such things as cuddling etc. are filmy and nonsense. Some parents bring up their children with the thought that being physical is sin, what about his childhood or your inlaws' thoughts?
Be natural, dont try to seduce etc. He may also feel bad that you are not like what he wants, what do you think? Try to be friendly in general and try to increase physical proximity slowly.

Hyral · Sep 10, 2012

hey dear,
I know how it feels to you...first of all have heart to heart talk with him.
Try to know if anything is bothering him..
Also, why to wait for him to initiate instead u initiate...everyday before leaving office I give good Bye kiss to my hubby....he never does that but yes whenever we fight or so...if am upset I dont kiss and open door that is when he keep staring me coz he wants it from me...gradually...he started initiating...but yes over all we never had issue of hugging as he always wanted to hug me and sleep...which at time I found difficult as couldnt breathe ;-)

Ok on a serious note dear....tell him what he expects and tell him some good romantic things and yes...u hug him and sleep...gradually he will get use to it...

All the best

tuulaa23 · Sep 10, 2012

Dear Friend, It is not normal in a healthy marriage to have sex at this frequency. Each couple has varying frequency in having sex. Some every day, some may be once a month. The more frequent, it is better for your mental and physical health. However, lack of interest from your husband's side may be due to few reasons:
1. mental distance or if he is seeing someone else-distance could have caused it
2. women who do not exercise the pelvic muscles do lose the tightness of their vagina and then it may result in not providing sufficient tightness during sexual intercourse.
3. lost general interest and physical attraction
4.health related issues-consult a doctor
5. if he used to be more touchy and affectionate before and is not now then there should be a reason for it but if he always was that way then its his nature
None of this is unusual either, I have heard a lot of couples say the same story. Few things you can do is to watch why the distance is there between you both, watch if he is communicating with anyone else or so. Also you may start to do the pelvic exercises on regular basis if you think that could be a reason. Think of a holiday for just two of you and be creative with either picking a spa resort, more exciting sex time together etc. If you need ideas please do message me.
Hope it helps, nothing to worry, it could be a phase as well with any kind of stress he is going through at work or some other matter, Talking more often openly will help.