Is Salary a Husband's Take Only ??

sirila29 · Jul 9, 2009

Hi Everyone,
This is sirila and this is my first post. it feels very good to know that someone out there really takes interest to find out others problem and help them out. it may be just verbal but sometimes it feels really good.
im married 3 yrs ago and my in laws live with us. my SIL lives in a different state. i was not much used to house hold work before marriage. being the only daughter i was the pet in the house.my dad and mom did their best to find teh groom that fits into my choice and in that process they are in a financial struggle now. my in laws got a ransom amount and demanded more just 4 days before the wedding. my dad borrowed from somewhere and fulfilled their wishes and the marriage took place and i came here from India. even for teh flight tickets my father only had to take it in. ever since i came here it was a matter of only house hold work. i thought they are getting old and need to rest and since i was the DIL i need to cope up with the work. so i kept doing everything. but i used to face trouble because basically i never did any work before. my MIL used to come around and start commenting on it and i took it lite thinking that she just wanted me to get it right. i just thought she was helping me out but actually she was making me bad in front of everyone that i cant do a thing right. no matter how much i do she never had a good word. for my SIL pregnancy iw as there to help her and for my niece i used to sit day and night to help my SIL with. SIL and her husband were very pleased then with me. after that i came back and started searching for a job and it took me quite some time because i was not experienced.during that search i was very depressed and all tehse people kept on taunting me. my sil and her husband would call upe veryday and start comparing with the people in her neighbourhood and finally he went to such a stage of calling me mad and saying that i should see a mental doctor. i was so perplexed and from then i reduced talking to them.my DH was comforting until then and he was like caught up between his parents and sister.so i understood his situation.it got to me and finally i took a job in another state. i thought that will settle the matters. but ..
every month my salary goes to our joint account of only DH has teh control. if i need to have something he gets it for me and gives me some amount every time of his visit.
now the situation is they want money taht i get from fields . i said i would like to have it in a separate account of my own and fixed so that it would be good for me later on but they are making a big issue of it. he stopped talking to me and my in laws are enjoying this situation. i cant understand what their problem is.
im statying far from home. me and my hubby we meet say for 4 days only in a month. all my salary is in his control but still they are taunting me. they talk so disrespectfully towards my parents. im not allowed to call my parents.it has been 3 yrs and i wnat to see my parents but these people dont allow me to. my mil goes to india every year and she tells me only two days before her trip.
cant understand where this life of mine is going?
please any ideas how i can rectify this situation,
thanks
sirila

peartree · Jul 9, 2009

Please change your direct deposit from the joint account to your own account. He is not talking to you now, what can get worse, he won't talk to you then! If he behaves like a 2 yr old who won't get candy, treat him like one. This clearly seems like a case of bullying, and you should not let your husband's family bully you or your parents!

Politely, but firmly tell them that staying alone, your expenses are not covered by what you get to spend, and would hence like to handle your own finances for the time you are alone. If your husband sulks about it, let him!

Your whole situation seems like a classic dowry harassment case to me. Please establish your stance, and remember you have the advantage of fyour education and financial independence to support it. They can only pile up on you as much as you let them. It is unreasonable and unacceptable for them to be disrespectful to your parents, and you need not put up with ridiculous demands from them. Please stand up fpr yourself. My prayers are with you to give you the strength to handle this ordeal!

priyapraveendvs · Jul 9, 2009

hisirilla ,

don worry i m sorry for your situation..but for one thing i am apreciating u that u stand on by your own legs..in usa country..

coming to ur problem... just don talka nd argue... u have ur own satatus noe that to in us... so you are defenlty a dynamic person... so don argue.. and let your husnband meet u up..and then slowly u just say him... what u wants ... or show some ur own shopping or some other bills to pay or like so....

don worry... but one thing never flow ur words in harsh voice.... be clam and cool... even i did same finally mmy husband slapped me so many time in front of my SIL BIL ND MIL AND FIL .AND THEY SAID ME I AM MAD...
SO DON USE HARSH VOICE ATA LLAND CHANGE YOUR OWN ACCOUNT SO THAT EVRY TIME U WILL HAVE UR OWN SAALRY RIT!!1

saddestiny · Jul 9, 2009

Sirilla,
I am also new to this forum. Hope I can make you feel better.
Please dont give control of your finances to others. you said its joint account. So that means both husband and wife have access to money. Why should your husband draw money and supply for you? Are you not free to handle the transactions.
Between husband and wife, there is no such thing called My money or Your money. It should be Our money. Talk to him that you are his family. Most importantly you are the one who will be mother of his kids in future(if you don't have kids yet).

So both of you should make joint decisions whether its about money or life.
Rest of your problems with MIL or SIL in another state.

Leave it yaar. Life is more important than all these petty issues.
By default all Indian MIL's, SIL's will do something one time or other. They want to show control on you and over play their roles to make you feel bad.

Just let them have their superiority. Be gentle and be loving. Just ignore their behaviour. If you give importance, you alone will be hurt. Nobody is gonna come and help you out. Moreover now you work in another state alone. Your hubby and you spend only 4days a month together.

Enjoy that time and be selfish. Rest all issues, give them secondary opinion.
Be more active in your DH and yours relationship. Grow that bond strongly. Have open conversations with him about how you feel. Hopefully he will understand.

MIL, SIL we all must respect them for their roles. Let them not rule your life and spoil your mood. Take it easy girl. Hope I have eased some of your load.

sirila29 · Jul 10, 2009

thanks Guys for taking the time to read and post the reply back. i sure was in a dilemma till now.Let me clarify on some of the things pointed above so that i can get more clear opinions.As saddestiny and peartree pointed out it was a joint account and only my salary goes into it. for his he has got a separate account of his own. he doesnt care to share any of teh finances with me. i have been asking him to show the bank statement we get every month but hes not willing to do that. he keeps saying its none of my business. My FIL always keeps telling me taht wives should never ask whatever their hubbys do becos always hubbys do it right. my MIL was also working and she never said a word but silently gave all her savings to him and never asked a thing from him. that was teh surface situation . thats how they act but inwardly its all her dealing.shes very adamant and all teh family members has to listen to her but in front of me they act. she was teh one who selected me. looks like my DH hasnt any opinion of his own. whatever his mom / sis tells him it has a deep impact on his brain. i cant understand even living together how they can be so stubborn. now they are darning me they will take teh whole issue to our village elders in India and they say my parents are the root cause for all this. i cldnt sustain that. y wld my parents do that. they did so much to get me marraied and these people are only reaping all my parents efforts.
my parents health is not so good and if they come to know their darling daughters situation is like this i fear whats going to happen to them.as priya says i will try to be polite and soft but firm on my stand. i feel like they are doing this because they want to break our marriage because money is not the problem for them.cant understand y they are doing this. also all my gold,sarees, documents everything in their control

Nandshyam · Jul 10, 2009

I don't understand why people had to spoil relationships because of some papers... yeah its green.. but is it worth it.

Your husband not talking to you because of you trying to have a separate account?
He has his salary saved somewhere else.. but your salary should go to joint account?
You cannot make a trip to India after 3 years..
You meet 4 days a month?

What have you gotten yourself into. I guess you and your parents are to be blamed (if they had a part in this or it was your adamancy to get married to him). You guys entertained their money thirst even before marriage, why? That's the problem, we try whatever possible to get married and then face the reality, which was staring at us all along.

Anyways, past is past. It's going to be hard, but you need to stand up for yourself now.. its now or never.

Have a frank discussion with your husband. Talk about your future together. Don't bring up she said, he said things. Talk about finance, how you can invest, save together. Talk about your family planning. Talk about job change thus can stay together. Talk about how you can share household work. Talk about trust, transparency, communication, intimacy. Talk about you and him. Find out where he stands.

prathima09 · Jul 10, 2009

Hello Sirila,

Depending on situations women should be as soft as butter and as hard as iron if needed.You are the representative of this generation in that family, dont be a target, fight with the situations. Just discuss clearly, smartly with your husband what are your both future plans, just show him the picture of future..how will it be if you invest good, lead happy family with kids, providing good facilities to kids etc... and what happens if you dont do all these things, show him some examples if possible.And regarding bank A/C be stubborn and ask him to show the bills where your money is going into or just open seperate A/C (as he is not feeling OUR money you can do this thing which may help you in future)
Dont bother about all others who just comment you, its just waste of time and energy..
Be brave :thumbsup

When you are not facing any hurdles in the way of life which you are travelling, probably it is the wrong way-Swami Vivekananda

sirila29 · Jul 13, 2009

Hi,
I tried verifying the joint account we have where my salalry goes in every month through telephone. he has it cleaned up. as soon as my salary gets deposited he has transferred it to his personal account and all i see there is only a 5000$. he hasnt still been talking to me. when i call up he just ignores it.
i feel like thoroughly exhausted. its not for the money but cant digest the fact that he has been trying to decieve. is he decieving on me or .. i feel like :drowning

Visu2k · Jul 13, 2009

Let me be blunt with you - you are yourself to be blamed for the situation you put yourself in. Why can't you open a separate bank account, keep the access with you and ask your company deposit your salary there? Why should you be sharing when your husband is not willing to share? Why should you be crying for their attention when you can take care of yourself (you living in a separate state and earning your life.

People won't respect you unless you respect yourself. Till now whatever had happened - conceding to their unreasonable dowry demands straining your parents' financial situation, keeping your family cornered 4 days before marriage to squeeze more money, your husband not even willing to sponsor your tickets. and now taking away your salary from you while withholding his own. Where will this stop? How far can you yield? Do you think that by being more yielding, they would understand you and become nice to you? If I were you I would have given them their own medicine. Cut off my earning from them and get on with my life - concentrate on getting ahead in my career.

You are never giving them chance to think how unreasonable they are, by always yielding and imparting them a sense of entitlement. It is not you who should be wanting for their attention, you should make them come to you. And that can happen only if you live your life on your terms. Caring and sharing can only happen if it happens mutually. If only one party has to yield always, it would only be termed as sacrifice. Don't sacrifice your life for people who are unworthy of it.

Visu2k · Jul 13, 2009

sirila29 said: ↑

Hi,
I tried verifying the joint account we have where my salalry goes in every month through telephone. he has it cleaned up. as soon as my salary gets deposited he has transferred it to his personal account and all i see there is only a 5000$. he hasnt still been talking to me. when i call up he just ignores it.
i feel like thoroughly exhausted. its not for the money but cant digest the fact that he has been trying to decieve. is he decieving on me or .. i feel like :drowning
Click to expand...

He doesn't want talking with you, wants you to feel he doesn't need you. But he needs your money. What does that tell you? Don't you still now what you should do? You feel like :drowning... well I would say, no one can save you if you are bent upon :drowning yourself.