Is it worth scraping and saving like this?

Dear Nithya
I was sailing in the same boat 5 years ago. My husband never told about his salary, savings, bonus etc. He didnt tell me how much he sent to his parents every month or how much bank balance we had. He just told that we have a big debt and have to be frugal. He used to keep a long face if I ask for dress, kitchen articles, eat out or anything. I totally sacrificed all my desires and put up with everything.
then I couldnt take it anymore and sat and reasoned with him saying that "if its your responsibility to send huge amounts of money to your parents, its your responsibility keep your wife and son happy too. you have to balance it out or else u will lose me forever"... then he sort of slowly reduced sending money and started to save and buy stuff for us.
its communication at the end, maybe unintentionally u are giving an impression that you are a miser too like him or he is assuming that himself. talk it out

Also try to earn money yourself. since u are in California, call Indian Recruiting companies and tell u can work for cash as their HR... they prefer H4 girls..

 

hi nithya, why dont u try and look out for a job and be self dependant. u can do a part time job. sit down with him calmly and discuss things that bother u. this way not only will u get to know him better but will also try to understand his predicament. marriage is not about money, people go through so many hardships and still survive a lasting marriage. talk n communicate thats the way u can understand each other.

 

If you have IT background, you can apply for H1 visa. Are you willing to work? There are ways to do it. If you are interested, i can give you some tips.

 

Dear Nithya,
i have 1 question....If you guys not enjoying here..are not saving any money...Then is it worth staying so much far from your dear ones and relatives.Y don't you guys go back to India.And if your husband doesn't care for your needs y don't you ask him..if you alone can go to India for sometime and start doing some job.I think you will be much happier then.
When he purchase these expensive gifts..does he discuss with you that i want to buy this for mother or sister..what do you think?Do you ask him if he have enough budget for that.At least he will be conscious.
Never keep anything in your heart...always tell your husband what you are thinking but in a positive manner.If you keep things in your heart it will only spoil your marriage in the long run.May be he doesn't even know that you think like that ...if you don't say it...how will he know what you feel....Boys are not smarter than girls in these areas...You have to tell them everything...
1 more thing..you can contact local job consultants in yout area....search on net.Ask them if they can help you in getting some H4 job.
There are NGOs where you can volunteer to work and they can aaply for your H1 at no cost any time in the year.There is no quota for NGOs.
there are other small jobs also in coffeeshops or malls etc. where they pay in cash.
No matter how much you earn..its very important t be financially independent.Don't waste your time thinking about what your husband does....concentrate on your life and make your own life.start from today what you gonna do for your career...

 

I would like to make a comment here. No offense please.

I cant understand why many Indian families are living frugally and suffering here in the US when there is a choice of going back to india ..

Let me give you my personal experience... Even though my DH and I did get a masters from the US(i got married just after I completed my MS)... I did not get a job due to bad market condition at that time.. Just 9 months into our marriage , when situation started getting worse in my DH's company we started looking for jobs in India.. JUst like anybody who has done a MS here, we wanted to stay back in the US.. but thinking abt it practically my DH could have been laid off anytime, and I would have remained jobless ... we thought it was not worth it..even though all ur friends struggled to remain here...

We both got good jobs in Bangalore and we moved back there even though everybody adviced us about staying here and doing a second masters etc.. I am glad we made that decision because... we got a very good salary, good experience and we were able to come back to the US after a few yrs with jobs due to that experience...In fact we retured back to the US in much better financial condition than we had left the country..

My personal advice would be to try for a while here and if it doesnt click go back to India... There are umpteen ooportunities there...

 

I dont understand what has staying in US or abroad got to do with the situation. It wont make a difference staying here or in India regarding this problem.
The situation is husband not forthcoming with giving wife money or including her in financial decisions. Will it miraculously disappear being in India. It will still exist. I know I am in similar situation . I have thought about returning too. But the situation will be worse if I did. My in laws constantly influence my husband to curb my freedom.Here it is bearable.
Yes,being in India it will be easier for us to find work. But with in laws and husband ganging up we will still be answerable to money we earn and not use it to our freedom. That maybe the time we wish we hadnt moved there.
There maybe lots of reasons women abroad though suffering in such conditions dont intend to return. One common factor would be in laws and maybe some other problems too.

 

Hi Nithya,
Nithya, Have been in a similar situation so here goes my 2 cents of advice-
Do not be subdued...
Ours was an arranged marriage, never asked about the salary directly, and the info we got on the salary was wrong...but money's not everything..so it's allright!
My husband's ways are similar to your hubby..but not to that extreme. I got a credit card the day I landed here..but i never used it knowing that he saved every penny, and looked up all deals...didn't want to waste! but then voila! his parents came and the whole experience changed my perspective. New handsets for them...new laptops for them..and splurging money through and through!
That's when I realised it was my stupidity..I had stopped living my life and was now living his..he never told me not to buy or spend...but he never asked me to either..so
So I started using the credit card after a year of our marriage
It's been 2 years of marriage...and the 1st year was quite similar to yours.. but after some introspection and advice from F&F this is what I have figured.and it worked-
1. Talk to your parents when you want to...you are not in a prison! The first 2-3 times he will not say anything...the 4th time if he does...tell him that he talks too...so why cant you..Most probably..either he will cut down on his calls too...or might not say anything..Secondly- Install SKYPE..free video calls to India...PC to PC...infact tell him also to talk through that and save money. Will earn you some respect in his eyes too!Even through yahoo you can have a call.
2. After a week or so, tell him that you saw some really nice deals in jcpenney/kohls/etc online on clothes etc...and wanted to go pick up some stuff....which you really liked...ask him for some money...if he asks you how much..tell him around 50 dollars.. And ask very confidently.while cooking...or doing some task...don't ask like you are begging..becoz you are not!! Go shopping....dont buy expensive stuff...and dont spend all the money! But don't come back and return the balance either...If he asks you how your day went...tell him ..show him stuff...be really happy about it ..and be very pleased for the next 2 weeks...and cook him his favourite food..Gradually start asking (if he doesnt voluntarily give) for the same every month (for pedicures/shopping for yourself/ a shirt for him at times..etc). Men usually don't shop too much so they don't understand our requirement to shop!
3. After another week or so..tell him how good India used to be..etc...and tell him you really need a phone...tell him that it is a necessity! Most cell phone companies..especially sprint...has this offer that if you register for the first time for a new account...you get the handset free...so it's not too much of a cost!
4. Thanksgiving sale is around the corner....look for awesome deals online...tell him that you really were looking forward to having X item for the kitchen or self...and you found this awesome deal....and ask him to go along with you and get it...or to buy it online...get involved in the process
5. When both of you are in a happy mood...talk about finances...future...tell him about good deals...give him good pre-thought advice...let him learn to respect you...and take your opinion on matters that count and that don't count. Talk to him about his office...work...try helping him in work..
Nitya, just getting work will not solve your issues...You need to get him to think that you are a team...irrespective of where the money is coming from!
If he persists on saving money only on you...tell him that you too are family....and his first prioirity...he is supposed to take care of your needs.
Secondly, don't think of concieving before this whole issue stabilises...and remains so for atleast 5-6 months!
Please be confident....its your money too..even if it doesn't feel like it! And unless you involve yourself...no one will bring the money on the platter for you.
Thirdly, if he still persists..and if you have to live your life begging for a 10 dollar bill....i think you need to make a very important decision in your life!!
Lastly, don't cry too much when talking to him and do not raise your voice. Be in control, be confident and don't compromise so much that you are miserable.
If you don't like his spending on his family/relatives, don't frustrate yourself, and neither blame him...calmly and rationally explain to him that this money could have been saved...think before you speak and convince him with such a rational answer that he will think twice before buying anyone anything in the future!
I hope this makes sense to you. This is my first post..and i hope I dont recieve too many brickbats for this.
And apologise if this looks like I am instigating you..which I swear I am not!
I wish things work out for you
God bless!

 

Hi Nitya.

It is definetely not worth living a life according to others needs.
You talk to your husband without losing patience and explain him what are you going through. If still not better and no change, why should you put up with him?

One more suggestion, you said you have internet. so why dont you use google voice chat to talk to your family. I believe it is free of charge. Try it, atleast you would be relaxed once you talk to your family.

 

HI Nitya

Believe me you are not alone. I am still sailing in the same boad. Now 3 years of my marriage but He never changed little bit. From previous marriage he has 2 kids and He send huge money and clothes and whatever they want my hubby send it and and he never discuss anything with me. I have good working experience in India but he is not interested that i go for job and also don't not give me money for my shopping also. So giving gifts to my relatives is impossible for me as he is against for this. He took one more plot there but what for !!! He don't like to spend a penny for me. He is fond of food so brings everything for kitchen and says what u want more as You are eating well, home to live...!!! If i ask or demand something, he either don't listen or will become angry.bonk

I think im like a cook for him. and people and his relatives don't know my condition they think, I am happy and I don't need any job because my hubby has lots of money.

This is my conditon dear.. But i hope that one day he will love me.. as now i cannot take serious step also coz my parents also no more. I was alone till i did'nt find this site, now here many indusladies friends are here for us, I read many advices and i relax and boost myself, make understand myself that one day miracles will happen in my life.

Just hope for good and be happy always.

 

Iam working and yet i find myself in this situation too, my husband had started a chit with his friend, and so we are investing together, when i got my bonus, he was strict that i should use the money for savings, i did spend a lot of expense and family necessities, hence i could not buy a dress i wanted, later that week, he takes me to a mobile store and landed up buying an expensive mobile for himself, i told him clearly that what he was doing is not right, when he can counsel me on savings, he should exhibit that too as an example, he realized and retured his mobile. may be your husband is tempted to indulge in expenses like that, tell him clearly and motivate him to seek a better job. But first "TALK" looks like there are lot of inhibitions and you think you are still a burden to him, may be thats what is stopping you from asking . Even if the wife works, the husband should be the bread earner and a womans earning is to support him thats all. You start excercising your rights, but tell him in a manner he will understand. do not become emotional, men just hate that.