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torture by husband on h4 visa

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pinky18, Jun 1, 2015.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, you have a great life. Be proud of your achievements.

    There is only one concern- your dh is like a SAHD. It is not a rare situation. Many families work like that. What if the roles were reversed. If you are SAHM and read post # 9 as if your dh is complaining here on you. What will be your reply?

    As you are raised in a patriarchal family/society, the role of male as providers is embedded in your mind. You concern is mainly about the social impression or the one in your mind. That thought should be changed. My reply would have been different if he simply sit at home without helping you with home or kids or have other addictions or waste your money or you are not earning enough money. In that case you don't have to tolerate it. Your post suggests he is a good SAHD.

    I think only a good person behave like this. Its tough for many men to do this with their ego. He truly understand his role in your family and really loves you and kid, support you instead of PILS, take care of the household jobs well. He is a good role model to your daughter- he respects you and your contributions, adjust with the situation, taking care of family (it is not easy for many men to have that much patience to take care of kids) , not controlling you and is a loving husband. Your daughter is learning how a family can work this way if roles are reversed. You are also a role model- an independent, assertive and confident woman in every aspects. What else you daughter need? You should remove the gender specific concept from your mind. As long as your family life goes smoothly with this setup, dont spoil your happiness by over thinking or by pushing him to his limits.

    You -> You should take care yourself, your health, finance etc. Invest well, think about savings for your kid's education (read on College Savings Plan -529) and your retirement plans. Never take any abuse from your dh. You should stop him right there. Avoid issues that trigger him and you can tell him clearly that you cannot take any abuse or his anger. Good that he control it.

    Parents & PILS ->look like their visit create issues in your life than happiness. Why to waste time and energy for it. Avoid it if you can. When you go to India, try to spend time with your parents. Be firm that you will spend enough time with your FOO.

    Friends ->you can arrange get together once in a few months in your home or build your supporting circle of friends. Some people are not good in building friendships or not socially active. Accept it.

    Your husband - you should handle him with care. Males are generally leaders and providers. It will be embedded in him. Constant nagging on why he is not a provider can create rifts in your life. So treat him always with respect . But enjoy the rights of a provider. Always ask help ( use can you help me with this, be polite). Instead of doing everything in weekends, assign him jobs, like laundry, cleaning, shopping (prepare a list), ask him to help you with cooking / cutting vegetables/ dish washing etc. every thing a SAHM would have done. Dont expect him to read your mind. Always give clear instructions on what you want. Assign him tasks to complete. That communication should be there. I believe there is great intimacy and bond. Never replace it with anything else. Enjoy that aspect.

    The change in attitude should come from him. We cannot force him to do anything or go for job. He is an adult. He is educated. So tell him, when you are in comfortable mindset, that you really like him to have his own career and you don't like to see his potentials wasted. Its not a good idea to take long breaks from job, so its good to have one even if its a low paying or part time job. Is he interested to work from home? Ask him what he wants to do & his future plans ( I think the core issue is you don't know what he want, but assume he likes to continue this way. May be he is getting stressed out or its not his passion).

    Tell him that you are there with full support in finding a job (can you find it ?), also it will give more financial stability. What will be the situation once your kid starts going to daycare/ school or what if you loose job ? Communicate your concerns (don't hide it) in positive way, but make sure you convey how much worried you are. That's all you can do. Avoid negative talks and arguments. I agree, we have a limit. once we cross it ignoring and focusing on our own life will be another way to give the message. We cannot change others, we can control only our responses.

    You have a comfortable and happy married life, don't spoil it over this issue.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2020
  2. pinky18

    pinky18 Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you so much dear. I dont know how old you are but in felt the way my big sister sitting beside me and advising.
    Yes, I am successful being in my early 30s,I do have enough saving , paid car , half paid house and already paid in full for my child's prepaid college plan. I am confident and working in one of the well know company in U.S. I will do my best ...anytime I feel hopeless or loose patience I ll remember your words.
     
  3. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    i do not agree with this comment. With all due respect, then all men in this forum should be giving ultimatum to their house wives.

    OP says, he helps in home, cooks, cleans , take care of baby. lot of house wife do not do that also. it is ridiculous by OP to mention roti circle or square, my H i do not what shape he makes, but he will make sure no one is hungry after 8.30 pm .
     
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  4. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    Your posts are very conflicting to me. It is hard to trust the accuracy .i apologize too, if it hurts. Please note i did not read the complete past posts if any

    but i did read you said - he is lazy. then after sometime - you said, he cooks everything , helps with the baby.

    half paid house and child prepaid college - i am staying here for last 7 years, i still have my kids college 60 percent saving only. if this is true, you are in tough niche employment, you should be happy and be peaceful that you partner is taking care of the kid. lot of men are SAHD. when men say , that wife do not work , then we all jump up and complain .

    anger, this is very vague, just drop the word, and all blame games on giving ultimatum. i would like to hear, how he becomes angry. i do not accept the fact, like he sees you enter the house and starts shouting. there is series of comments passed before anyone loses control.

    i cannot say anything about love marriage, i had a arranged marriage, but i talked to my spouse about his life goals. you dated in before marriage, that means you were in same college or work . that also means you knew his personality. i am quite surprised
     
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  5. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

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    Well said @lavani
     
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  6. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    i apologize if my views are conflicting, but you are trying to fit him in a traditional career man, because it fits your mind in social side.

    i feel you have good chance, to grow up in career. if that is case , you should ask him to care for family development, like kid care and help at home.

    threatening , divorce and seperation are extreme when you have real violence. i do not know your side , if you were nagging him to the point of extreme anger .

    job is not working for him, make it work for you.

    CEO of coke, india nooyi, proudly says, she would not have been successful if not of her husband being at home.

    read other posts, total losers OF MEN, who are having affairs, neither work in good job and neither they let their wife work. still Mama boys, those are the reasons for divorce.
     
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  7. pinky18

    pinky18 Senior IL'ite

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    Do a
    @lavani thank you for your response. You wont belive but I had saved money for my child's EDUCATION before she was born.m I worked till 39 week of pregnancy without SINGLE LEAVE because BEING prego , still I was the bread winner. I have good financial plan , could be much better uf get SUPPORT. I am very much organized PERSON and he is careless , what pinch my nerves,that I have to ask him to do the things, treat like a child with lot patience because he throw the tantrums example, RECENTLY my parents visited me , we had plan to visit one of the relative living IN NEAR by city, he was agreed to join US DAY before , when I told him to get ready so we dont run late, he told me that he dont want to come ,so WENT alone with my parents, when we came back FROM VISIT, he was mad, silent and argued with me that he was not INFORMED PROPERTY where we GOING. It's so silly and childish we BEEN talking AND I told him where we suppose to go. 2nd example, we went to buy NEW sofa him and me, I got AGREED with one he likes , I trust him he does lot research before we buy anything, no PROBLEM with that but two love SEAT WAS enough ACCORDING our living room size and we already got one set. But it started to throw tantrums and argued at the point we wns up with theee , now my living room look like movie theater...
    He use to throw things in past , after 2015, no more ... he knows I will not take it any..
    I had my mom or him mom took. Turn to help me with baby , because his job always been unpredictable. If I ask him about his plan , his favorite answer "you never know I could get project anytime" , I have to keep back up plan with his answer. More , when I come from work I see him watching TV all time, my mom or mil do ALL FOR baby , he just eat,sleep and watch TV and that happened couple of time. 6 month work, 6 month home again find job ,all excuse to quit the job..
    So he BEEN unpredictable.. but now I dont have no one coming back from india, since last 2 month he been taking care of baby, when weekends comes he tells me, I ma tired I need break, you take care of baby , he does little but weekend his free time.. more my MIl and 3 sil, very much insecure and selfish , I am from different caste and rich family COMPARE to them , they always jealous of me, and do all pleasing to my husband and dont advice him to stand the ground and be a man.
    I am not divorcing him, I just get to frustrated sometime,,,, but i know i far blessed.
     
  8. pinky18

    pinky18 Senior IL'ite

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    More, I dont feel any different HAVING love marriage vs arrange marriage, people change when RESPONSIBILITY comes.. he did too or may be I had misunderstood his POTENTIAL from beginning.
     
  9. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    ^ This.

    Although circumstances may ask for being more or settling for less , but some people are naturally nurturers and some are providers.

    The guy is not lazy he is doing a great job in taking care ; however he is just not ambitious enough for the society. All those age old 'purusha lakshana' quotes are to put people in boxes, there are loads of them made up for ones own convineince.

    OP, if you think just one income is very tight then explain him WITHOUT degrading his nurturing behaviour.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2020
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  10. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    The point here clearly is OP not being happy with her husband. As a working woman, who used to stay home and have seen a struggling husband who stayed home for sometime, I understand to some length what OP is going through. The arguments, and difference in opinion, is all we have at times. But then a small change in the dynamics, a small act of love will bring together husband and wife. Sometimes it is as simple as that, but then there are small things that breaks out big arguments and fights. There are stay at home moms and dads because their respective spouses earn enough or their childcare/other expenses are so high that they cant afford to go to work. If that is not the case, OP is right, her husband needs to find work. I have nothing against stay at home moms or dads, but house work and child care can be tackled even if both spouses are working.

    To get divorced, it is not necessary to have affairs or violence or anything, it only depends on what husband and wife wants. I don't know the whole story here, but trying to make a judgement from what OP wrote. I agree with OP that her DH needs to find work. however, he doesn't seem to be too eager in it, so may be he can look for part time jobs, in the same area that he was working which has flexible and less hours? So he can stay home a little, still earn some money. And may be one day he finds what he wants to do and take up full time then?
     
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