Indian Marriages

Indian marriages suck big time, because the woman is made to believe, no matter what, she is not included anywhere.
She is excluded from her birth family the moment she enters wedlock. But she is not easily included in her marital home unless she fulfills all their demands.
This "not belonging" status is really frustrating.

Having a place is not literally having a place to live. It is having a seat at the table, and having a voice, and also having that voice be heard. This is what called belonging.

Every problem starts from the girl's family, where she's been told that you don't belong here anymore. She's been told to please in laws and H, no matter what, to get a place at their home.
She's been told not to return to her maternal home (unless with H) and she will not be welcomed should she decide to move in permanently at any given situation.
She's been told that her SIL (bro's wife) will be the new daughter of her maternal home, therefore she won't be able to enjoy her carefree daughter status any longer after her marriage.

This kind of advises and practices make any woman feel "removed" from her birth family immediately after marriage.
This makes her to grab a place at her marital home at any cost. Because no one wants to be "homeless" or "not belonging" in life, right?

As taught by her elders, the woman - wife/DIL would try to please her PILs, and go to any extend to receive "Good DIL" medal. She believes that's the gateway for a place in that home.
She would sacrifice her dreams, life style, friendships and everything literally for that place.
But it is not an easy task to get that "belonging" there. After so many failed attempts, she becomes as a manipulative and tactful person towards the end of her life.

That's why many innocent DILs turn out to be aggressive and manipulative MILs in their homes. By the time they reach MIL status, they know what strategy helps them to sustain. And the cycle continues.

To break this, we must stop "sending off" our girls to their marital home. First of all, girls are not mere properties to own or sell. They are individuals just like their male counterparts.

Their place of living after marriage could be anywhere. But they should always have a place to call it theirs, until they own their own place.

I had all the blues of "not belonging" at PIL's place right after my marriage. I did my best to be a good DIL, but it did not take me long to realize no matter what, I can never be a good DIL according to their standards, unless I completely compromise on my life choices.

Fortunately, I wasn't removed or totally "sent off" from my maternal home that time. I knew the home, where I was born, and lived will remain my home forever. Regardless of my marital status, just like my H, I had this sense of belongingness at my maternal home.
It eased my emotions when I had to return after a failed attempt to "fit in" at my in laws' place.
This "home" eventually helped me "set up" my own kingdom down the line, and to be the queen there.

Now that, I establish the rules and regulations of our own home together with my H... and anyone (be it in laws or parents) who visit us/stay with us need to "fit-in" accordingly.

The happy and successful me (us), makes the marriage successful too.

For my children, I would make sure they have their place to live before they chose to marry. Because "fitting in" at someone's place is the fundamental problem here.

 

How to achieve this!! ??

 

Start with understanding their weakness first n then manipulate that weakness. Most of them are material crazed, some possessisve, some jealous, some ego. So you have to customize the solution upon understanding the problem and then design so it suits ur needs are rather fits u perfectly.

 

How will I ever get to this summit... or if I ever will. I am as useless in all these 'tricks' as a white crayon on a white sheet.

Sunshine, you are stronger than you think you are... I can feel it thru the posts. Your daughter is lucky to have you hey!