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How To Identify 'mean' Person Or Camaflouged Person

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Vedhavalli, Dec 14, 2019.

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Dec 19, 2019 #51

anivijay Gold IL'ite

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Sunshine04 said: ↑

Hi @Vedhavalli , if I remember correctly.
Were you the one ,who was trapped with months of free babysitting of an Indian neighbor??
The mom had gone to India for months .
Click to expand...

@Sunshine, it's me who ended up baby sitting for months.. they didn't even say thanks... didn't even invite us to their home once after I took care of her for months... more over , the kid who is 12 now, wont even smile at me if we meet somewhere...looks like they were mad that I discontinued the service .. don't care..

anivijay, Dec 19, 2019

anivijay, Dec 19, 2019

#51

Sunshine04 likes this.
Dec 19, 2019 #52

Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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anivijay said: ↑

@Sunshine, it's me who ended up baby sitting for months.. they didn't even say thanks... didn't even invite us to their home once after I took care of her for months... more over , the kid who is 12 now, wont even smile at me if we meet somewhere...looks like they were mad that I discontinued the service .. don't care..
Click to expand...

Haha it was you. I remember your case because it was extreme exploitation.
No worries.
Anyways atleast your kid got to play with their kid.

Sunshine04, Dec 19, 2019

Sunshine04, Dec 19, 2019

#52
Dec 19, 2019 #53

Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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armummy said: ↑

Needs as in who needs to step out and heed some one to watch their kids for some time
Click to expand...

thanks for the clarification . the term 'needy homemakers' above meant different to me.

Caughtinbetween, Dec 19, 2019

Caughtinbetween, Dec 19, 2019

#53
Dec 19, 2019 #54

Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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Aarushi said: ↑

Hi OP,

Your feeling of resentment is perfectly natural because you have been lied to and someone tried to manipulate and take advantage of you. As others have said before, there is no magic wand to know what people are like. It is by their behavior they show themselves to you.

here’s what works for me with acquaintances. If I can help someone without inconveniencing myself, I absolutely do it. If I have to inconvenience myself a little bit I don’t mind - but I do want to get the other persons story about why they think it’s important that I inconvenience myself.

But if I am lied to or manipulated (and believe me all of us have at one time or the other), then I walk away from that person immediately. If they reach out or if I am harboring some upset then I write down a careful note and send it to them to make things clear. Example in this case- I would have simply written to this lady, “hey I found out that you had actually gone to a party vs it being an emergency when you asked me to babysit your child the other day. I know there are times we all need help but would have much preferred if you had been honest about it. Take care and all the best.” Now chances are she will either start blowing up your phone (block her), or sending you repeated texts explaining or lying some more. Just do not respond. Do not get into a back and forth with her.

a lot of people will try to manipulate you in life but you don’t have to engage with them or provide any explanation. However it’s extremely useful if you call them out on their manipulation or lies and put it out there. It helps a lot with reducing the building sense of hurt.

anyone who has tried to be a jerk to me either gets a solid ignore from me henceforth or a politely written note from me on why I have decided to take a break from them.

hope this helps. Take care...
Click to expand...

Thanks! I really appreciate the idea.
Ignore is the word.
I spoke to the mom, asked openly why she was 4-5 hrs delayed when said 1 hr.
She said ya told you na, traffic. I said it doesn't take that much time. 4-5 hrs is 150-200miles.
She didn't have any reply.
I said, hereafter pls try to keep up the time or at least tell what's the matter.
She kept quiet . I felt relieved

Vedhavalli, Dec 19, 2019

Vedhavalli, Dec 19, 2019

#54
Dec 19, 2019 #55

Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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SGBV said: ↑

Your acquaintance is clearly wrong. Her deed is not acceptable and your anger towards this is normal. But there is no way that you could spot a mean person just like that. It takes time, and a few bad experiences like this to understand what is behind their camouflages.
Don't be disheartened for this. Take it positively and add this experience as another lesson learned.
This way, you can increase your wisdom and be prepared the next time when you encounter similar people/similar requests.

A month ago, one of my acquaintance requested financial help for one of her college mate (in our age group) who was battling a serious illness.
Since she described about that person's family (like 2 kids, young mother etc...) it touched a chord in me, and I was moved in pain. I immediately forwarded a good amount of money to the said bank account (that is linked to this acquaintance as she has taken up this social fund part on behalf of that sick woman.
I felt so satisfied after doing this, because I did it with a good intention. After praying for this woman in the next few days, I eventually forgot this matter.

Exactly a month later, one of my subordinate at work requested 1/2 day leave to attend a funeral of her cousin. While discussing her leave, she shared info about who was her cousin, and what caused her death and all that. Since most of the info about her cousin were similar to the woman I helped, I probed further to know better.
Then only I understood that her cousin was terminally ill for a long time, and she never had kids, and her family is well off financially and they never needed assistance from outsiders.

I immediately tried contacting that acquaintance who collected money from me, but she doesn't answering her phone. Blocked me in FB and other social media.
Now that, I could bring this matter to the light, but it takes a lot of effort to prove, and a lot of other issues along with it.
I have no time to fight with this kind of people. So, i silently accepted my foolishness and moved on.
Next time i would be very careful before I commit anything as such.

As someone rightly said.... I count on my Karma. i did something good, and earned good karma. That;s it
In addition, I learnt an expensive lesson for life.
Click to expand...

Such people exist everywhere such incidents happens with anyone. Sorry.
Hope I earned some good karma

Vedhavalli, Dec 19, 2019

Vedhavalli, Dec 19, 2019

#55
Dec 19, 2019 #56

Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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armummy said: ↑

mean people can only be identified through these experiences .

it looks like you have spent more time in analyzing this situation than the actual baby sitting ...you already spoke to one other lady who relayed information about party , talked to friend and now such a long thread ....

You learnt now from this and can say no from now on .. I hope at-least your daughter enjoyed an unexpected play date ...

I never take any hep from anyone specially homemakers just to make sure I don’t get labeled as using their free services but most times my house becomes play date place for other needy homemakers
Click to expand...

It was my day ruined, yes I'm analysing to identify root cause to avoid being taken granted in future.
Working/SHAM is not the topic here, it's about being taken advantage of other's time without prior notice, lying, not considering other's time be it 20 min or 5 hrs. No gratitude or sorry is the context here.

Last edited: Dec 19, 2019

Vedhavalli, Dec 19, 2019

Vedhavalli, Dec 19, 2019

#56
Dec 19, 2019 #57

armummy Platinum IL'ite

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Rihana said: ↑

Financial angle and working/homemaker came in when in a thread about one parent allegedly taking another parent's babysitting for granted, you brought in "specially homemakers" and "needy homemakers."

Replacing "homemakers" with "parents" and "needy homemakers" with "needy parents" in your post makes the financial and homemaker/working parent angle go away. Context remains watching others' kids.
Click to expand...

Reading too much where not required. I stated my case why I don’t take help from Homemakers because of the labeling that happens ......

Any war good to know

Last edited: Dec 19, 2019

armummy, Dec 19, 2019

armummy, Dec 19, 2019

#57
Dec 19, 2019 #58

armummy Platinum IL'ite

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Vedhavalli said: ↑

Thanks! I really appreciate the idea.
Ignore is the word.
I spoke to the mom, asked openly why she was 4-5 hrs delayed when said 1 hr.
She said ya told you na, traffic. I said it doesn't take that much time. 4-5 hrs is 150-200miles.
She didn't have any reply.
I said, hereafter pls try to keep up the time or at least tell what's the matter.
She kept quiet . I felt relieved
Click to expand...

It is good you questioned her but why did you leave the option open for future requests .... ?

Genuine question ...

armummy, Dec 19, 2019

armummy, Dec 19, 2019

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Dec 19, 2019 #59

Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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It clearly looks like the acquaintance took advantage of OP. It doesn't matter she got held up due to traffic or party. Would you do this to your baby sitter? probably not because they charge per hour. For the friend, this was free, so she took it easy. May be she got late because of the office party, those things usually run until midnight. But, the way she dealt with Op is not acceptable. That mom has some nerve to leave her kid with a person who she doesn't know very well (for me, knowing very well has a lot of implications). But we are not getting into that now.

Another thing is, OP, this is a poor judgement from your part to take on a child whom you don't know very well. This is clearly exploitation and please say no from now on. If you don't know the person, say up front you are not comfortable, since you are not friends.

Angela123, Dec 19, 2019

Angela123, Dec 19, 2019

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Dec 19, 2019 #60

Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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googleearth said: ↑

I have a different perspective 1. Was it big inconvenience for you to do this pick up? 2. The errand that you were suppose to do could that easily be switched to other day? 3. Was that child unbearable or did your child have a good time at home since she had an unplanned play date? I know you are feeling used but I think you should grow a thick skin and also not be so sensitive. That lady went to party who told you that? Were you complaining about the same thing to someone and were they trying to gaslight you because it is fun to see people rallied up? I am sure that this lady did not just plan to be obnoxious and called you at the spur of the moment because that is a big risk she is taking with her child's security. May be her actual pick up person bailed (like husband got caught in a meeting). You can feel good that she thought of you, she trusted you and thinks you are a person who can take care of the most precious thing for her. And once she knew her child was safe she was a bit relaxed. Since the child told you mom was going to come home at night may be that was the plan the original person picking up was suppose to stay with child and mom could stay out late but since that did not work she left early from supposedly party and getting out was not very easy. May be she was not at a party but at some embarrassing doctors appointment which she could not tell you about which got prolonged. So my point is be positive instead of trying to find the bad in people try finding the good in people too give them some benefit of doubt and unless it is totally unbearable there is no need to go to extremes to cut ties with everyone you know in this alien country and be a hermit.
Click to expand...

It doesn't matter. these all are lame excuses. Will you do this if you had paid baby sitter? No, You would get home as soon as you can. If anything happens, she can let OP know about running late. We all have phones!!! If she had no access to phone, couldn't get out of the party or doc appointment, or a serious trouble which she never thought she got into, or was stranded for couple hours with no help, it is common courtesy to tell the person who was watching the kid to say "i am so sorry that I got here late, something happened and I am really thankful that you watched my kid this long, and please let me invite you for dinner someday or make it up to you in some way". I think this would definitely not make OP to think the way she is thinking now. The friend gets the benefit of doubt until she comes to pick her kid. After that if she doesn't explain or apologize, then she is taking advantage of OP's free child care and is not being a good person. Op is feeling used and that is exactly the case.

You can feel good that she thought of you, she trusted you and thinks you are a person who can take care of the most precious thing for her.

Why would she be ungrateful then?
The friend lacked common courtesy, and that is what caused all these issues.

Angela123, Dec 19, 2019

Angela123, Dec 19, 2019

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