1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Feeling 'used'

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Vanani, Dec 4, 2019.

  1. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,139
    Likes Received:
    3,938
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I am quite surprised by the replies in this thread. OP, just how far back, how long ago, did you work together? Where I live and work, as a general rule, references are expected to be recent, not more than 2-3 years old, especially if its from a coworker. Only exceptions are if she was your direct report for four or more years or if you supervised her master's or phd thesis. I can understand her asking once or twice but not more than that. Especially if there is no contact at all and you have no idea how she is doing or whats going on with her. Why is she needing a job ref so often? If she is needing a reference every few months or yearly, that's also cause for concern. People change OP, over time. So it is better for you to be cautious too. It is perfectly acceptable for you to ask her to get a more recent reference, since its been xx years since you worked together. Since you work in same industry it is important for you to be particular in this regard. That's just my opinion though.
     
    sweetsmiley and Vanani like this.
  2. Vanani

    Vanani Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    23
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    To be honest, I was not feeling anything much personal about this until an American friend who is very very senior position (C-Suite) commented one time at lunch saying there is this lady who contacts her ONLY when she needs reference and that she thought it is very unprofessional and did not feel like giving one. She looked around at all of us at the table and complimented how each of us took effort to stay in touch one way or another and that that is the right way to sustain professional relationships. Not contact someone 10 years after silence out of the blue. Since then, I have been questioning if this is appropriate way of approaching someone. Of course, what is worse is listing a reference without even informing them!
     
  3. Vanani

    Vanani Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    23
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Job Referrals are mostly phone calls. One time it was an elaborate online questionnaire I sat till 11 pm to complete. And I have worked with this person so many years back. I think the only reason she reaches out to me each time is (1) I agree (2) Indian (3) I was in a top position when she worked with me so she trusts me within giving a good referral.
     
  4. Vanani

    Vanani Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    23
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    @1Sandhya - thank you. I agree with you 100%. References should be within last 3 years. Next I have NO IDEA what she is doing where she is working I heard through the grapevine she was going to school at one point. She asks for references frequently, some of these employers don't even contact me so I don't thinks these offers materialize. I have known her many years back when I worked with her only for about 6 months. So there is really not much I can speak for her work (different departments too - not my area). I can just say basic things like communication skills, team work, dependability (more like soft skills) not much her technical skills. Perhaps she has no one else she can count on for references so she falls back to me each time.
     
    1Sandhya likes this.
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,917
    Likes Received:
    3,997
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    It doesn't matter. When we write reference letter we have to mention how long we have been associated with that person and at what level. Whether she worked with you during the last 3 years or before 10 years doesnt matter. You need to give an idea on what your impression is, on the project you both work, her contribution to the project, positives on her skills and knowledge etc.. May be you can modify the old reference letter on her for this purpose. You are helping her. Take it that way. Its her choice to use your reference or not. If you dont want to give reference letter, dont respond to her mail.

    Op, consider it in a positive way. She thinks high of you and believe your reference letter has some value. But she dont consider you as a friend. Never mix personal and professional expectations.

    For example. A student can ask professor anytime in their life for reference letter even if they are not in contact. In my case, many established busy professors, I have never met gave me reference letter for my GC application based on independent assessment of the work I have carried out. They all did it in a very professional way. I learned a lot and humbled by that experience. I almost follow their steps and approach if someone ask me for reference. I never expected any reply from them when I contacted them. But they spend time for me and wrote reference letter. They are true professionals. For job, I used the names of colleges/supervisors I worked with. But they help me any time with reference letter.

    So my answer to your query is -NO she is not using. Its part of our professional journey.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2019
  6. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,177
    Likes Received:
    3,185
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I have to agree with those who say this is nothing unusual. Some people just do not click as friends to move in a personal capacity and it is completely OK.

    I have several former co-workers that I am only connected to via LinkedIn and I only reach out to them if I need to be referred (or someone else needs to be referred in their company), or if I need to list them as a job reference for any reason. Outside of that, we have nothing in common to socialize or personally interact. When I dop them a line asking for the favor, I might enquire about their family or something like that and beyond that, nothing. No one has refused such favors when I ask just because I did not keep in touch with them otherwise.
     

Share This Page